


Bucky's Life Coach

by buckyl0ver143 (series_fan_95)



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Hydra (Marvel), Kids, Later Though..., Lots of sexual tension, Love at First Sight, Recovery, Resolved Sexual Tension, Sexual Tension, Slight mentions of torture, Steve Rogers is a Golden Retriever, Tony Stark Is a Good Bro
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2016-11-03
Packaged: 2018-05-10 06:57:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 50,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5575699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/series_fan_95/pseuds/buckyl0ver143
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You work as the Avengers' manager of everyday things and you are a close friend to most of them. However, your life -and job description- completely change when Steve asks for your help to help his best friend regain his memories and past self</p><p>rated for later chapters</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. How may I help you?

‘Hello, how can I help you?’ you asked the man in front of you

‘My name is Johnson, I have an interview with mr Barton and ms Romanoff’ he said 

‘Of course mister Johnson, they are waiting for you at the third floor. Jarvis will guide you there’ you replied with a smile. He nodded and walked to the elevator. Poor guy. He thought he was getting an interview from the two most public agents of SHIELD but they were going to torture him. They didn’t like the questions asked and they were making fun of every reporter that ever walked in the tower to the point of them running out! They never learn tough and they always come back. Sometimes you pitied the journalists that walked in the Avengers’ tower but then you remembered all the bad things that they have written about them from time to time so you didn’t pity them so much. 

You were the Avengers’ manager when it came to mundane things such as interviews, galas and charities. Maria handled their operations and since she couldn’t do everything by herself they hired you. Although you were their secretary of sorts, you were pretty close with most of the avengers. Steve and Tony treated you like a little sister and Natasha had taught you a thing or two about self defense. Now, a new resident had come to the Avenger’s tower. Bucky Barnes. The former Winter Soldier. You hadn’t seen him at all and ever since he came in you hadn’t seen Steve as well. 

‘Ms (Y/L/N)’ Jarvis’ came from the ceiling ‘mr Stark and mr Rogers require your presence on the fifth floor’ you looked up confused. If they ever wanted something they would either come to ask you in person or over the phone. They never were so… formal. 

You took the elevator and when it opened on the fifth floor you saw three men sitting on the couches. Tony was seated at the armchair, Steve was sitting on the arm of the couch and a third man on the edge of the same couch. He was looking down and long brown hair covered his face.

‘You asked to see me?’ you said awkwardly 

‘No need to be nervous (Y/F/N)!’ Tony said standing up as he hugged you with one arm

‘You are the ones who started with the formalities!’ you countered

‘Touché! ’ Tony said and led you to the armchair. No matter how cool the billionaire was playing it you knew that it was an act. Steve hadn’t said a word, neither had the other man who you guessed that was Bucky Barnes. 

‘Listen, we called you here to make a proposal to you. You don’t need to accept and there will be no consequences if you decline.’ Steve started obviously frustrated and anxious. You had never seen him like that. He seemed like a kicked puppy that desperately needed a hug ‘this is my friend Bucky.’ He continued ‘you have heard of him I suppose…’ you nodded ‘we have been trying to… help him remember some things for the past couple of weeks but we haven’t got the progress that we were hoping for. So, we thought, that since you are our friend and also probably the only ‘normal’ person that we know, we were wondering if you could, if you want to that it, help him.’

‘How am I going to help? I am no therapist…maybe Sam could…’ 

‘(Y/F/N), you are one of the sweetest and most patient people I’ve known. You have no ties to our line of work. That is why I thought of you. You have every right to decline and no one is going to blame you if you do’

You looked at Steve. He was so desperate for you to say yes, so scared that it broke your heart. Tony was standing above you as if he was trying to protect you and Bucky, well, Bucky hadn’t moved a muscle sine you got there. 

‘Can I talk to Bucky for a second?’ you asked. At that he looked up, his blue eyes meeting yours. You looked at him, magnetized from the beauty of his blue eyes. But apart from that it was the sorrow and pain behind their beauty that captivated you. It felt like every sound was sucked out of the room and there was just him in front of you. No Steve, no Tony, just you and him.

‘(Y/F/N)?’ Tony asked ‘I am not sure that this is a good idea…’ you didn’t answer. You just tore your eyes from Bucky –internally mourning at the loss- and raised an eyebrow at Tony. 

‘Alone please’ you said in a slightly more raised voice. Tony sighed and squeezed your shoulder. 

‘If anything happens, we’ll be outside’ he said as both him and Steve exited the room.

You moved to sit next to Bucky and noticed that he had lowered his head once again

‘Hey’ you said quietly

‘You should refuse’ his voice came in a whisper so low and husky and you thought that it was a perfect fit for a man like him. 

‘Why would you say that? I’m (Y/F/N) by the way…’ you said with a smile hoping to lighten the mood

‘You should refuse (Y/F/N)’ he repeated on the same tone. The way your name fell from his tongue made it sound a million times better

‘You haven’t told me why…’

‘I could hurt you…’

‘It’s alright’ you said and tried to make it sound as genuine as possible. That got his attention because he shot up his head and looked at you in total disbelief and shock ‘I mean, yes you may hurt me but I will try  
as much as I can to avoid it and I know that you won’t do it on purpose. Right?’ you asked

‘I… I don’t want to hurt you…’ he said, his head falling back down

‘Bucky…is it ok if I call you Bucky?’ he shrugged and you continued ‘please look at me…’ when his blue eyes met yours you were once again stunned. ‘Your eyes are so beautiful’ you said and when you realized that you had said that loudly you blushed. How could you be so stupid! The last thing the man needed was you fawning over him! You instinctively looked down until a hand found its way to your chin and lifted your head. Bucky looked at you and gave you the smallest smile in the history of smiles. At that moment you had to suppress a really strong urge to kiss him, when a small shuffle outside of the door took you out of your trance and made you both tense. 

‘You are a good spy, right? Like Natasha…’ you whispered. He nodded. ‘Can you do me a favor?’ he turned his head to the side and if you thought that Steve acted like a puppy, this guy could give him a run for his money. ‘I need you to go to the door super quietly and yank it open. Can you do that?’ he nodded determined and stood up. You had never seen someone move like that. So smoothly and unnoticeable… he was amazing! In seconds he was next to the door and yanked it open just as you instructed, causing three people to fall flat o the floor on top of each other

‘Well well well! What do we have here? Tony, nothing that I didn’t expect, Clint, wait until Natasha hears about that aaaaand Steve. I understand these two, but you? ’ you said as you were walking above their fallen bodies and standing next to Bucky

‘we were worried’ tony tried to excuse themselves

‘curious is the word you are looking for stark’ you corrected. Then you turned to Bucky ‘you and I my friend are going to be spending a lot of time together… that was awesome!’ you said as you smiled brightly at  
him. He gave you another small smile but unlike the previous one, this was more carefree and it didn’t have the intimacy that the other did. 

The three men looked at the two of you in shock.

What you didn’t know was that Bucky had never smiled to anyone for as long as he was on the tower.


	2. Getting to know you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe that I got time to write this but here is the second chapter  
> tell me if you liked it, if you hated it, if you have any suggestions, anything  
> thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy it!

After you had solved the little problem with the three men and accepted the job as Bucky’s… therapist? No, that wasn’t the right word… well, you just went with life coach at the moment… after you had accepted the job as Bucky’s life coach, you two were shown to the 32nd floor. It had two apartments, one for you and one for him. As you walked inside you found out that the apartments were mirroring one another. That meant that your bedroom was a wall away from his. On another note, and in a try to get your mind off the gutter, you also noticed that the apartments were empty. 

‘Tony, not to sound ungrateful or anything but shouldn’t there be furniture and generally… stuff in the apartments?’

‘Weeeeell… given your love for decorating I thought that you might want to do it yourself’ he said handling you his golden credit card. Your eyes shot open and jumped into his arms screaming thank yous.

‘The things I have to do to get a hug from a pretty girl!’ he exclaimed as he hugged you back

‘My apartment is on the 31st floor, if you need anything just call, anytime. Alright?’ Steve asked sheepishly. You smiled at the super soldier and moved to hug him as well

‘Don’t you worry soldier! We will be just fine’

‘Thank you’ he whispered in your hair and even though you couldn’t see him, you could feel the emotion in his voice, you could feel in your own heart that you were doing the right thing, not only for Bucky, but for Steve as well. 

‘So!’ you announced ‘’enough with the touchy-feely stuff! We’ you said as you moved your hand between yourself and Bucky ‘have some serious shopping to do!’

It was the second time that day that you had left tony and Steve speechless. They two men looked awkwardly at you and stood frozen in their places.

‘(Y/F/N) Bucky hasn’t gone outside. It’s still too dangerous. Maybe we could go with you, or have Natasha…’ Steve started but you soon cut him off.

‘Nonsense! We’ll be fine! Right Buck?’ you said turning to Bucky who looked at you with terror

‘I... I don’t want to’ he said with a heartbreaking look 

‘But, Bucky…how are you going to decorate your apartment? I don’t know what you like and besides, getting some fresh air is going to be good for you’ he didn’t answer, he just looked at you pleading that you agree. 

‘alright. We will talk about shopping some other time. Now, what would you like to do?’ Bucky looked at you with confusion. 

‘I don’t know…’ he whispered. You ran your hands through your hair and turned to Steve and Tony. 

‘Don’t you boys have things to do? Tony I suggest you put Lou in my place. Don’t forget the press conference about the iron legion and you Steve have to go to the Smithsonian to give a speech. Come on boys! Hurry up!’ you said as you pushed them to the elevators. They both laughed and left with no fuss. As the elevator’s door closed Steve repeated the ‘thank you’ he had said earlier. 

‘So, now that we are alone, why don’t you want to go shopping?’ you thought that maybe he would talk more freely without Steve and tony. Steve’s speech was in four hours and Tony was always late in conferences. You just wanted to make Bucky feel like he was free to make choices for himself without having to impress Steve or just agree with him.

‘It is dangerous… I may… I may hurt someone…’ he said looking down once more. That was another thing that you had to work on.

‘Bucky, please look at me’ you asked and smiled when his eyes met yours ‘good.’ You praised ‘I don’t think that you will hurt anyone. Do you want to hurt anyone?’ you asked

‘No! ’ he replied immediately. 

‘Then you won’t hurt anyone.’ You replied smoothly as if talking to a child. 

‘You can’t understand!’ he shouted ‘I don’t control him! He can hurt you! he can hurt anyone!’

‘Who is he Bucky?’ you replied seemingly unphased and calm but your heart was beating like crazy from fear

‘The soldier’ he replied quietly. At that your heart broke. 

‘Follow me’ you said and moved to the elevator

‘Where are we going?’ he asked once you were inside. That was good. He was questioning things and didn’t just follow orders. 

‘To my laptop!’ you said with a smile

‘Laptop?’ he asked as if he hadn’t heard the word before. And of course he wouldn’t have heard the word before, it’s not like HYDRA would give him a “welcome to the 21st century” lesson.

‘It is an electronic device, portable, in which you can store documents, photos and other stuff. You can also talk to other people with messages or even video’ you explained. He was looking at you with awe. No one had ever given you so much attention and it made you swoon. When you reached the reception you greeted Lou and took your laptop. Then, you guided him back to the third floor, where the living room was. There you found Natasha reading a book in Russian. 

‘Hey Nat’ you smiled ‘how was the interview?’ she looked up from the book and smirked ‘at least tell me that the man is sane…’ 

‘He is’ she replied cryptically and returned to her book

‘Did Clint leave early? Because I saw him earlier when he was supposed to be with you…’ 

‘No’ she said without looking up. And before you could ask for more she continued ‘the reporter left early…’

‘Poor guy… that’s all I’m saying... poor guy…’ you laughed ‘Nat…?’ you asked to get her attention. She growled without looking up again ‘would it be terribly difficult or you to read somewhere else, because we have a job to do and no place to do it in?’ you asked in the sweetest voice you could master

‘Who’s we?’ she asked and when you looked behind you to Bucky, you found no Bucky!

‘Shit!’ you cursed and immediately started calling his name. You rushed out missing the look of horror in Natasha’s face. When you ran out of the door calling for Bucky you stumbled into a solid chest. ‘shit’ you mumbled again but for a different reason this time. As you looked up to apologize you saw a familiar pair of eyes looking down at you. You were so close to him that you felt his breath on your face and you had to master all your self control not to kiss those beautiful pink lips. But you weren’t going to make the same mistake twice in a day. Before anything stupid came out of your mouth you distanced yourself from him.

‘What happened? Where did you go?’ you asked trying hard to control your voice

‘Someone was in there.’ He replied like it was the most logical thing on the world

‘When something like that happens again I want you to tell me. I want you to tell me everything that goes on in your mind, alright?’ your biggest concern was his low self esteem and trust. ‘Now’ you said taking his left hand, ‘let’s go inside’

When your hand touched his, he froze and only then you realized that you had taken his left hand. As you took your hand away he grabbed it back. You looked at him scared that you might have triggered an episode when you really looked at him and saw how calm he was, you calmed down as well

‘You have beautiful eyes too’ he said and you felt all the blood in your body rush to your cheeks. 

‘Thank you’ you answered and quickly turned away to guide him to the living room and to hide your blush. When you reached the living room you found it empty. Natasha must have left but you didn’t notice her. Not that this was something uncommon…

‘So’ you said as you both sat next to each other ‘I am going to show you some photos’ you opened your personal file and found the two photos you were looking for. You opened the first that showed you at age four. ‘What do you see there?’ you asked Bucky.

‘A little girl’ he replied. You smiled

‘What can you say about her personality? Is she happy, depressed, strong, shy? Can you tell?’ Bucky looked at the picture more carefully and evaluated it

‘She looks happy’ he said and looked at you for confirmation, you nodded ‘she looks confident’ he looked at you again

‘Carry on’ you encouraged him

‘She looks like a happy girl around the age of four, five?’ 

‘Alright’ you said and showed him the second picture, one of you at the age of fourteen ‘what about this one?’ 

‘This one is… is it you?’ he asked and you nodded ‘you look… sad… shy… why?’

‘It was a hard time… I was a teenager who looked like a kid, you see it took me some time to get to the stage where the girl becomes a woman… I was bullied at school and the teachers said that kids were just being kids even when they pushed me a little too hard at the door of the classroom. Anyway, I lost all my confidence. My dad used to wonder what had happened to me. He said that I was such a happy child and then I didn’t speak to anyone, didn’t have any friends and didn’t like to take pictures, something that I loved. I was depressed. I cried alone at night and didn’t find the strength to get up from bed. So I read. I read and read until someday I realized. Instead of idolizing all the heroines that I read about I could be like them. I changed school and little by little I became happy again. You see sometimes, all you have to do is convince yourself that you are strong and happy and sane and yes, perfect even. Everyone has issues. Some bigger, some smaller. The important thing is how you deal with those issues. Are you ready to go out, face the world, have fun and restart your life?’ 

Bucky looked at you still unsure ‘are you going to be with me?’ he asked

‘I am going to be by your side for every step in the way’ you said taking both his hands n yours.


	3. Mission: Shopping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: slight cursing and adult language

You didn’t exactly sneak out of the tower. You saw no one on your way out so you were ok. Right?  
  
As you stepped into one of Tony's automatic cars, you took the driver’s seat and Bucky moved to sit on the back. After a three minute argument you convinced him to sit next to you.  
You turned on the radio and sang along with the songs you liked, trying to make it easier for Bucky. He didn’t know any of them so he didn’t sing. You occasionally nudged him to dance or at least sway with the tunes but to no avail. When you reached the furniture shop you firstly rushed to the living room section. Before you could reach it you felt a hand holding you back.  
  
“(Y/F/N) there are… many people here… and the place… it’s so… big…” Bucky voice sounded utterly lost and terrified. But apart from his face that was sweaty, his eyes were completely void of any emotion. His body was stiff and tense and you were starting to regret your decision to bring him there. But you had to keep your faith and help him, not only find himself but also his place in the modern world.  
  
“Bucky look at me, please, look at me” his eyes moved to you but still he was look _through_ you and not _at_ you. “Bucky…” you pleaded taking his hands in yours “tell me, what are you thinking… please…”  
  
“I see… I see targets… (Y/F/N) I don’t want to hurt them… what is my mission? (Y/F/N) please tell me my mission…” you were terrified and you slowly led him to a corner. He was mumbling non-stop things from ‘I have to eliminate every threat’ to ‘I can control it’ and it was breaking your heart.  
  
“Bucky we have no mission. I am your friend and we are here to shop furniture for your new apartment. You don’t have a mission” he seemed like he was starting to break from his trance but he wasn’t completely there yet. “Bucky look at me, look in my eyes” his blue eyes met yours and you felt stunned once more. His mouth was slightly open inviting you to kiss him, to explore it with your tongue and as those thoughts came through your mind you felt the need to know who he tasted. His body was eradiating heat and it was too close to yours for both your sakes. You wanted to run your hands up and down his broad chest and through his beautiful hair. “Bucky” you whispered and forced yourself to focus on his needs and not yours. “Breathe with me” you instructed and took a deep breath. He mirrored your action and when you slowly released the air he did the same. You continued that for a couple of minutes until you were sure that he was calm once more.  
  
“What’s your name?” you asked  
  
“James Buchanan Barnes” he replied almost automatically  
  
“What’s my name?”  
  
“(Y/F/N)” he said more smoothly this time and you melted a little, hearing him say your name in such a tone  
  
“Why are we here?” you asked with a broad smile  
  
“To shop furniture” he said returning the smile… a little  
  
“You feeling better?” he nodded.  
  
“Thank you. I didn’t want to do anything bad.”  
  
“Bucky you didn’t! You almost turned into the Soldier but you didn’t! You won! You controlled yourself! That’s... That’s AMAZING!” you cheered and his smile grew bigger at your enthusiasm “Do you understand how good this is? This is a huge victory! You are in control Bucky!” you made sure to emphasize the last sentence. You wanted him to feel good, to feel normal.  
  
“ Come on!” you said as you took his hand once more “we are going to celebrate that!” you smirked as you led him to the main area of the shop “after we finish shopping!” you winked  
  


* * *

  
Shopping with Bucky was an interesting experience. He didn’t share any of your enthusiasm and at first he would just say ‘yes’ whenever you asked him if he liked something.  
It was starting to frustrate you so you decided to take more drastic measures. You started making absurd combinations like a green sofa with a pink floral rug and a weird yellowish modern painting. His eyes would widen but he still wouldn’t say no. Then you decided to give him the silent treatment. If he didn’t chose anything fro himself you weren’t going to make a single noise. At first he looked disbelieving but thirty minutes later he was starting to pick things up looking at you for confirmation.  
You turned your face around and texted that it was his choice. You would show his your phone and after five attempts he was finally doing the job on his own.  
He didn’t have a bad taste but sometimes he would forget what he had chosen and he would make bad combinations. You would advise him but you would never insist.  
Sometimes he took your advice and others he didn’t. You were proud of him. You made sure that his furniture was delivered as soon as possible to the Avengers tower and left.  
  
It was a good thing that the name Stark made things easier. They were going to be there probably before you had the time to return to the tower.  
  
“Can we go home now?” he asked. You couldn’t believe that you had made a super soldier tired!  
  
“No.” you replied sternly “you need some clothes. I know that these are Steve's” he sighed dramatically and you laughed. You loved that he was comfortable around you.  
  


* * *

  
“Come on princess! How long does it take you to wear a shirt!?” you shouted. Frankly you were tired of waiting out of the fitting room. It was just a tuxedo. You had decided to start with the tuxedo because knowing tony he would throw an extravagant party and he would have to attend. Despite his protests you knew that he would need it sooner or later. What you didn't know was what too him so long!? His head poked out of the curtain with his hair all over the place. He was adorable but you thought that calling a former assassin ‘adorable’ wouldn’t be flattering for him and wise of you…  
  
“Ok, first of all, I didn’t drag you here, you did. And second, I can’t button this thing with this!” he said flustered showing you his left arm.  
  
“Such a baby!” you said to no on in particular and you walked in the fitting room. Big mistake!  
  
You didn't know if the fitting room was too small or if it was Bucky’s figure that made it look small, but you had no place to breath. He was wearing pants -thank god!- but the shirt was fully open, except from one button that was put in the wrong hole, showing of his muscled chest. The lights were making this place far too hot for your liking and you guessed that Bucky felt the same judging by the sweat that was forming. You had to blink a couple of times to remind yourself that Bucky wouldn’t appreciate if you licked that sweat off his chest and the wetness between your legs did nothing to calm you down. His eyes stared to your soul and you decided that if you were going to ogle him that much at least you should help him.  
You raised your hands, hoping they weren’t shaking too much, undid the button and put it in the right place. You buttoned the rest of his shirt, your hands touching his skin occasionally, sending shivers through your body. If you were to become more aroused he would be able to smell you, if he couldn’t already. You instinctively licked your lips and tried to take a step back, to look at him. The little space of the fitting room didn't help you look at the whole outfit so you decided to walk out and take a better look. Bucky must have thought the same, resulting to you falling on his chest, only to have his strong arms to steady you. You took in his musky sent and suppressed a moan.  
  
“I.. go out. You stay here…” you managed to stutter and walked out without looking at him. He put the jacket on and you motioned for him to turn so that you could ~~ogle his ass~~ see if the tuxedo fitted his form. You doubted if anything wouldn’t.  
  
“That is a must have if you are living with Tony. Trust me. I don’t live there and I bought a couple of dresses. You will thank me later.” You hoped your ramble would hide the flush in your cheeks. He nodded.  
  
“Can you help me take it off?” he asked innocently. Well, too innocently for that matter…  
you moved towards him again trying to keep your cool this time and you thought that you heard him breathe a little deeper once you started unbuttoning the shirt.  
You pushed that thought aside because you were sure that he wouldn’t be interested in anything of that kind, not at that moment at least, and stepped back to let him change.  
He disappeared behind the curtain and ten minutes later he came back, tuxedo in hand.  
  
“Are we finished now?” he asked  
  
“If you plan to wear that thing everyday then yes, we are done” you replied sarcastically and he rolled his eyes  
  
“Why can’t I wear Steve's clothes?” he pleaded  
  
“Your boyfriend might find that hot but they are _Steve’s_ clothes. You need your own” Bucky was looking at you with wide eyes and mouth agape. This was different from the panic attack he had before. This was just shock  
  
“Steve is not… we are not…” he was trying to say something but couldn’t.  
  
Then you remembered. The guy was from the forties and he hadn’t spent so much time with Tony to know his humor. Shit! On that note, you were spending far too much time with Tony.  
  
“It was a joke, don’t worry… and furthermore, even if you were gay it wouldn’t be bad and no one would hurt you. Well there are some people who still think that it is not ok, but they are just jerks…” he was less shocked but he hadn’t recovered yet. “Just forget it! I will talk to you about that another time.” You said and continued through the aisles of clothing.  
  
You bought him some t shirts and sweaters, jeans and shoes, sweaters and coats and generally whatever you thought that he would need. You decided not to buy underwear with him because judging by the reaction he had before, you had no idea how would he react if he saw you showing him boxers. You returned to the tower with lots of bags with clothes and some bags with Chinese take out. No one was away for missions and you had to celebrate Bucky’s improvement so you thought that the team’s favorite food was perfect for the occasion.  
Bucky looked at the food disbelieving but you reassured him that it was delicious and he shrugged.  
  
  
You didn't expect what you saw at the entrance of the avenger’s tower: a very worried Steve and a very pissed Tony.  
  
Well, you were in deep shit…


	4. Moving in and Movies

You never imagined that Tony and Steve would like so parent-like to you. After all Tony was your boss… kind of… When you went to work there you never thought that the billionaire would be so good to you and care about you so much.  He was like the older brother you always wanted. But no matter how good it would get, now Tony was pissed and being his overprotective self he wouldn’t let this slip like that.    You told Bucky to go upstairs but he took hold of your hand and didn't let you go.    

“What do we have here?” Tony said crossing his arms over his chest. “I never expected such a thing from you (Y/F/N)!”

“I am sorry daddy, I just wanted so bad to go to the prom! You have to understand me!” you said sarcastically, making your voice more sweet and girly.  He didn't appreciate the sarcasm

“It was dangerous (Y/F/N). You should have at least told us to come with you.” Steve said

“It was my fault!” Bucky piped up out of the blue.

“No it wasn’t!” you defended him. Steve smiled but Tony still looked mad

“Stop playing games! This was serious! You can’t run around like this unsupervised! What if he lost control? Would you contain him? Would you be able to stop him? What if he hurt you?”

“Enough!” you shouted “I have had enough of your nonsense! You know what? He almost lost control! _Almost!_ He made it! He didn't hurt anyone and we had a wonderful time! Until you ruined it!” the three men looked astonished by your outburst and you weren’t going to give them time to recover.  You threw the bags with the food in Tony's chest and stormed off, still holding Bucky’s hand. 

Once you were in the elevator you realised that you hadn’t let go of him and you did so, reluctantly. 

“Thank you” Bucky whispered squeezing your hand before letting go.

“For what?” you asked already missing the warmth of his hand in yours

“Standing up for me… usually it was the other way around. With Steve… he needed protection. Until… until he didn't need it anymore… I just… I want to be strong... for him… for… everyone…” you could see that his mind was running back to old memories but that damn elevator chose that moment to reach your floor.  You walked out and found all the boxes with his furniture inside the room. 

“Shall we?” you asked and you started opening the boxes.

Bucky did most of the work but that was to be expected from a super soldier. He did the heavy lifting and the moving. Honestly, you seemed to be there for moral support. But you didn't mind. He seemed to be enjoying it and judging from what he had said earlier, it would do him good to feel strong again.  When the room was finished you gave in to your stomach’s constant reminder that it needed food and headed downstairs with Bucky in tow. 

In the kitchen, you saw Natasha, Clint, Bruce and of course, Steve and Tony.  You sat between Natasha and Tony and Bucky next to Steve.

“We saved you some food” Steve said quietly and handed you your noodles -thank god everyone knew what your favorite was so no one touched it- and he gave Bucky another take out box that you didn't know what it contained.

“Well, this was supposed to be our celebratory meal but someone ruined it…” you said shoving some noodles in your mouth.

“Sorry” Tony mumbled and if you weren’t sitting right next to him, you wouldn’t have heard him

“Sorry, what was that?”

“I’m sorry” he said just a little louder

“Can’t hear you very well….”

“I’m sorry ok? I might have overreacted a little but I was completely right!” he exclaimed

“Well, it is as good as you are gonna get…” Natasha commented “what did you do exactly? We thought that they were going to die from a heart attack”

“I just went shopping…”

“That can be scary” Clint piped up and you glared at him. You never liked his jokes anyway

“…with Bucky, without telling Mr. Control Freak over here” Natasha’s eyes widened as she looked at you through the rim of her mug. 

“Anyway” Steve interrupted “you almost had an episode? What happened? What triggered it?” he said looking at Bucky. He obviously didn't feel comfortable talking about it in front of all these people and Steve was completely oblivious to his friend’s discomfort. 

“The food is great!” you shouted to get everyone’s attention away from Bucky “we should order food from them more often!” Bucky’s relieved look was enough for you but it didn't last long. 

“Did you get any flashbacks? Were they from your time wit HYDRA or before? Did you remember anything else?”  Steve continued, not taking your hint.  Bucky was frustrated but remained calm, showed no emotion and refused to say a word.  You nudged Natasha in the knee and she took Clint and walked out. You looked at Tony who did the same wit Bruce. 

“Hey buck, why don’t you go upstairs and try to find a movie to watch? JARVIS will help you. Won’t you Jar?” you said looking at the ceiling. The AI answered politely and guided Bucky to his room.  Steve was running his hands through his hair and he seemed ready to explode.

“Stevie…?” you asked trying to get his attention

“How did you do this? How did you get him to be so… so him… damn it (Y/F/N)! I have been trying for months! MONTHS! He has always been close and reserved and he couldn’t help it. He had no control over the soldier, HOW COULD YOU DO IT IN JUST ONE DAY?!” he was pacing up and down and he wasn’t looking at you. You were starting to think that a side effect of the super soldier serum was to bottle up their emotions and then let it all out in once! You couldn’t stand seeing your sweet and innocent Steve so sad.  It broke your heart

“He doesn’t want me around anymore (Y/F/N). I know it. I see it.” he said defeated, sitting down once more. 

“He does want you here Steve.  He really does. He just needs his friend. Steve, couldn’t you see how uncomfortable you were making him? He doesn’t want to discuss that kind of things in front of everyone.”

“I just want him back.  I am sorry I am jealous.  He… he seems to trust you more than he trusts me… it hurts (Y/F/N). It really hurts…” You stood up and sat next to him hugging as much of him as you could. The man was huge!

“Try to relax. Think of what he wants.  If he wants to talk he will, don’t push him so much”

“I am a horrible friend…” he muttered

“Honey, ‘horrible’ is the last thing anyone could say about you! You are literally the definition of kindness” he turned to you and gave you one of his smiles that really melted your heart. The poor guy had been through so much and he really didn't deserve any of this.

“Thank you! I know I have said it a lot but you have no idea what this means to me. And to Bucky. You are godsend (Y/F/N)” you smiled and leaned on him hoping that he would feel at least a little better after that. And at that moment Bucky showed up.

“I… didn't mean to interrupt. I just... I picked a movie… ”he said standing in the doorway.

“Wow! Great job! I’m coming right up!” you said with a smile. He nodded and left

“Hey, Steve” you whispered in his ear “when you spar let him win a couple of times but make it seem real” then you smiled, pecked his cheek and left. 

Bucky was waiting for you at the elevator’s doors and held them open for you. As the AI took you to your floor Bucky didn't say a word. The ride was somewhat awkward but you guessed it was about what happened during dinner.

“Aren’t you going to use the apartment tony gave you?” he asked out of the blue

“I will move my things tomorrow… no need to rush this…” you said

“So… you will be staying with Steve?”  He said more hesitantly

“Why would I stay with Steve? I will go home…”

“I thought that girls stayed with their fellas without a problem…”

“It’s ‘boyfriends’ and yes they are” you said having a weird feeling about this

“So, Steve is your… boyfriend?”

“What?” you shrieked “what are you talking about?”

“Is that why he was talking so highly of you? I don’t blame you... he is very good for you… I just wish he would tell me before… before we were introduced…” he was rumbling non stop and he was fixing the blankets and pillows at the same time. 

“Bucky, I am not with Steve! Besides, he is not my type…” _you are, idiot_ you thought but didn't say anything.  You were getting to close to him and it scared you.  “What movie did you choose?” you asked changing the subject. 

Two hours of Sherlock Holmes later you were ready to fall asleep on the spot. It had been a tiring day, physically and mentally and you couldn’t wait for your date with your bed.

“He looked like tony” Bucky stated

“Excuse me?” you asked stifling a yawn

“Sherlock Holmes. He looked like Tony.”

“Well, I hadn’t noticed it before but yeah… he does a little…” this time your tiredness won and you couldn’t suppress your yawn. “I better get going…” you said and moved to wear your shoes. Bucky walked with you and started putting on shoes as well

“Where are you going?” you asked suspiciously

“Well, I ain’t gonna let a dame walk home this late at night” he said like it was the most normal thing in the world.

“Don’t worry Buck! I have returned home alone many nights and later than” you looked at your watch “half past midnight. Don’t worry really” you assured him but he was looking at you like you had grown a second head

“There is no way I will let you go home by yourself” he said stubbornly

“Bucky, you can’t come back here alone either. And we are not going to wake Steve or anyone else up for something like this!”

“Then stay here!”

“I can’t stay here!”

“Yes, you can!”

“Are you crazy?”

“I will sleep on the couch. You will perfectly safe”

“I will not kick you out of your bed and I will not stay here!”

“JARVIS lock the door please” he asked looking at the ceiling. Damn you for introducing him to Jar! You heard the door click behind you and you panicked

“Jar open the door!”

“I am sorry ms (Y/L/N) but I take orders from Mr. Barnes about his room. Unfortunately I can not help you” the AI responded

“Ms (Y/L/N), you will be staying here for the night” Bucky said with a smug smile

“I am taking the couch!” you announced taking your shoes off again and storming to the couch

“No you aren’t!” he said following you

“Go to bed mister or I will call Steve and Tony. And we both know who this will en…” you didn't have time to finish your sentence because he grabbed you by the waist and once he had secured you in his arms, he carried you to the bed where he dropped you like a sack of potatoes!

“James BUCHANAN BARNES! YOU DID NOT JUST DO THIS” you screamed in mock anger. He just said goodnight and left you.  Once you were sure he had settled on the couch, you stood up, took a pillow and put it on the floor next to him.

“If you don’t sleep on the bed, neither will I” you announced and laid on the floor

“Has anyone ever told you that you are too stubborn for your own good?” he asked looking at you from the couch

“Too many times to count…” you replied and turned to the side to sleep.  You felt Bucky lifting you again, this time bridal style and you held on to him tightly.  Once he tried to put you on the bed you held onto him even tighter. 

“Not gonna happen sergeant.” You stated firmly

“If you wanted to take me to bed you could have asked”

“From where I am standing, _you_ are taking _me_ to bed” you said with a smirk

“True, but still…”

“Either we will both sleep on the bed or no one will. Your choice.” He sighed dramatically and after he promised that he would sleep on the bed as well you let go. 

It was a weird night for both of you.  You thought that you would find it hard to sleep due to the insistent wetness between your legs ( _thank you mind for reminding me that the hottest guy I have ever met is sleeping next to me without a shirt_ ) but once you concentrated on Bucky’s deep breathing it was like a lullaby. Bucky on the other hand, slept more peacefully than ever… as much as he remembered…

 


	5. Going Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone!
> 
> thank you so much for your comments and kudos and bookmarks!  
> they mean a lot to me! 
> 
> this chapter is a six month time skip and here is where the actual plot starts.
> 
> I just wanted to clarify some things.   
> firstly, i think that everyone understands that (Y/F/N) stands for "your first name". on that note, (Y/L/N) stands for "your last name" and (Y/H/T) stands for "your hometown" 
> 
> Also, I would like to clarify that there will be smut, quite later though. there will not be many sex scenes in this work but it will turn dark and violent. I am sorry if this isn't your cup of tea. 
> 
>  
> 
> I hope you enjoy!   
> XOXO

“It’s time to get up doll!” you heard Bucky call you from the door.  No matter how many times you two had slept in the same bed for the past six months, you would always wake up alone. 

“Five more minutes” you whined and pulled the covers over your head. You heard him chuckle and close the door. You sighed and stretched under the covers.  You loved sleeping with Bucky. Although you two never cuddled -you had tried it once but he was distant and it got weird so you didn't try again- you always had a strange warm sensation. Like he was closer than he actually was.  You tossed and turned but you couldn’t fall asleep again. The only thing you managed to do was to tangle the covers and get frustrated.  You sighed and got out of the bed and to your bathroom.  Your apartment had only the basic stuff that you would need since Tony never agreed to moving your things from your old apartment, but insisted that you should but new stuff. You knew that he was a billionaire but still it wouldn’t feel right to spend his money like that.  You bought just the essential things that you would need and moved your clothes and personal things from your house to the tower.

Looking at your self in the bathroom mirror you didn't feel like a ‘doll’. Dolls are meant to be looking fabulous at any time not with puffy eyes, tangled hair and morning breath.  But Bucky refused to stop calling you that.  It was cute, to think that he saw you as a doll but it was also completely frustrating.  The stupid lustful crush that you had developed the moment you saw him had grew in those six months and you had no idea what to do. Sometimes you thought that he knew about your crush and that was the reason he would push you away because he didn't want you to get the wrong impression.  But then he would call you doll and he things like that you would get your hopes up and nothing good can come out of this…

You were talking with Tony the first time it happened.  You were stressing for an email that hadn’t been forwarded to the right people and now you had to clean up the mess.  Tony walked in the lounge and saw you screaming at your laptop

“What’s up kid?” he asked casually

“Lou should have sent that stupid e-mail to our sponsors for the energy program but she mixed them up and send it to the buyers so I am trying to contain the damage.  Some of them were already not convinced so they don’t need to know what problems we face in the experimental stage. I need to get back to everyone separately…”

“Whoa! Wait right there!” he said raising his voice “why are you dealing with this?”

“Why wouldn’t I? It is my job right?”

“No, no it’s not! Your job is to be Frosty’s babysitter. This isn’t your mess to clean up, not anymore…”

“Come on Tony! My services here are still needed, this is why you pay me! And to be honest, I don’t know for how long I will be working with Bucky. He seems fine, I don’t think he needs me anymore”

“He still doesn’t talk to any of us unless it is really necessary. I wouldn’t call that fine… ”

“Alright. Still, I have work to do”

“No you don’t! Would you stop it!? I think that we agreed that your job is Barnes!”

“My job is handling your image on the media, my job is to make the Avengers and Stark Industries look less as a threat to everyone who still has doubts. The fact that I am helping Bucky has nothing to do with my job!”

“Ok then. You are fired” tony stated calmly

“I AM WHAT? You can’t do that! On what grounds?” you asked furious

“On the grounds that you will overwork yourself to death! Look after Barnes and when you are done you will resume your duties.” He walked closer to you and hugged you “don’t think that I don’t want you here. Don’t you think that for a second! I know how stressing it cane be, dealing with someone with severe PTSD. But you have done great.  You deserve to rest too. Your position will wait for you when Barnes’ is as good as new, well, as new as a 90-year-old can get…” he said letting go of you. 

As if on queue, the two super soldiers walked in the lounge. They must had just finished their workout, judging from the sweaty t-shirts. 

“Are we interrupting something?” Bucky asked looking at the two of you hugging in the middle of the room

“Just my dismissal”

“What? You are fired? Why?” Steve asked worried

“Well, he tried to fire me but I don’t accept so…” you answered breaking away from Tony’s hug

“You stubborn little…. I hate you sometimes!”  Tony said knowing that you weren’t going to stop working

“Come on Bucky, let’s make a grand exit!” you said as you looped your arm with his. You had plans for the evening so you needed to get ready. He looked at you, smirked and walked smugly, following your lead

“You can’t fire me Tony! You are stuck with me!” you said looking back

“That’s right doll! You tell him!”  Bucky encouraged you. And from that moment on the nickname stuck with you.  At first you would ask him to not call you that but after Steve told you that this is what he called all the girls back in their time you let it pass. 

When you made yourself look presentable you walked out of the bathroom and saw Bucky in your living room. You walked together to the kitchen where you had breakfast with everyone else.  That weekend was special for two reasons. First, it would be your first vacation since you had started working with Bucky.  You had plans with your family in (Y/H/T) and you weren’t exactly thrilled.  The other big thing that was about to happen this weekend was Bucky’s first Stark party.  You were especially content about this because when it was announced you got to tell him ‘I told you so’ for the tuxedo that you made him buy.  Tony was hosting a party for some big project that he finished but honestly, Tony didn't need a real reason to host a party. 

“Do you really have to go?” Natasha whined as you sat next to her for breakfast

“I do. I wouldn’t go if I didn't have to… you know that…” you said resting your head on her shoulder

“Cant you go next week?” tony asked stuffing some toast in his mouth

“I’d love to be with all of you guys but I have to go” the knot in your stomach was tightening again.  You really hated going back there and your friends’ pleadings didn't make it easier.  You wanted to hug all if them and stay there forever. But you were a grown woman and you had to face them. You pulled yourself together and away from Natasha's hug, grabbed your sandwich and coffee and went to pack your things. 

You had put your food on your side table and you occasionally sipped your coffee as you were choosing what things you should pack.  It was for a week and you had some clothes back home but still you had no idea what to wear on the family gathering that was to come at Saturday night.  Just the thought of everyone gathered there and interrogate you was enough to make you feel sick to your stomach. You didn't know how your mom would be and you didn't know who else was going to be there apart from your mom, your step dad and uncle. You hoped not many more because you couldn’t tolerate them.  The only person you actually were looking forward to seeing -except for your mom- was your childhood friend Jackie. Her name was Jacqueline but she didn't like it.  Everyone in her family was calling her that and you did also, but when it was the two of you or when were out with friends you would call her Jackie.  She was always happy to see you no matter how good or bad you were feeling, she would always accept you for who you are. 

A knock on the door pulled you out of your thoughts and you smiled as you saw Natasha coming in.  You smiled and waved for her to come and sit on your bed. You rarely slept on that bed but still, it was your bed. 

“How are you feeling?” she asked knowing how much you hated going home

“I’ll manage” you said

“We will miss you…” she took one of your pillows and held it “you know, all you have to do is make a call and I am pretty sure that Tony will fly with his suite to come and get you back home”

“I know…” you said and continued packing “so… have you decided what to wear on the party… you have a certain… aaaa-r-c-h-er to impresssssss……” you sang the last part and wiggled your butt while winking at her

“Shut you mouth kid!” she said in mock anger throwing you the pillow and hitting you right in the face. You caught the pillow and started dancing with it around the room mumbling the music from Cinderella.  Natasha would be furious at you if she wasn’t so busy laughing and when you stopped you were certain that you saw her eyes shine from tears. If they were from laughter or because she would miss you, you didn't know.  You officially met Natasha in your first day of work but when Tony insisted that you should learn how to defend yourself she became your tutor.  You were a decent student, trying not to show your soreness and tiredness and that was what Natasha admired, as she told you later.  It didn't take long to become friends and being the only woman who spent so much time in the tower you felt her presence refreshing as she did yours.

“You are the one to talk Mrs. I-am-not-in-love-with-my-best-friend”

“Natashaaa! I am flattered really, but I only see you as a friend…” you said as you gave her the pillow back and closed your suitcase

“Don’t try to hide it from me missy!” she scolded you “did you pack your gun as well?”

“I am so NOT taking my gun to my family’s house!” you said. You hated that thing and although it was fine to shoot some bullets in the tower -and you were very good at it- you hated carrying it with you so you kept it in Tony’s vault and whenever you needed to go to the shooting range inside the tower you would ask Tony to give it to you. 

“It can’t protect you if it is at the vault all the time (Y/F/N)” she said following you towards the exit

“It can’t protect me at all” you said ending the conversation about it and getting in the elevator. Before you went to the garage to take your car, you made a stop at the lounge where you knew the avengers would be gathered. You missed Thor, he was so much fun at parties and generally to be around but he was in Asgard or some other realm and you had no idea when he would be back.

“Hey guys!” you greeted the remaining Avengers, meaning Tony, Steve, Bruce and Clint, followed by Natasha.  “Everything is ready for tomorrow’s party.  Tony and Bruce, you will welcome the guests and you will be joined by Pepper who will be here in about two and a half hours.  A car is to pick her up from the airport and bring her here. Tony if you know what’s good for you, be in that car with the bouquet of flowers that I have on your desk” you said winking at your boss “Steve I have your speech ready, it isn’t difficult, nothing you haven’t done before, you will be right after the science bros. That’s all. Have fun and I’ll see you next Monday morning!” you said with a smile

“I’ll miss you!” Natasha whispered in your ear enveloping you in a hug. You hugged your friend back trying to hold back tears. You knew it was ridiculous to be so sentimental about an one week trip but you didn't want to go and Natasha knew how much you hated going back.

“There are people in line, Romanoff!” you heard Tony say and right after you moved away from Natasha, he grabbed you and twirled you in the air

“Maybe we should throw another party the weekend that you will get back so you wont miss it” he said smiling.

“No Tony! Throwing parties means that I will have to work more so I think I’ll pass!” you replied laughing. He put you down and you hugged Clint, Bruce and Steve. 

“Where is Bucky?” you asked mostly looking at Steve.  You were happy that he took your advice and once he relaxed about Bucky remembering, he did make significant progress and their friendship turned to be almost as good as it was in the past. 

“I have no idea.” Steve said “I haven’t seen him since you left to pack”. You sighed, bid them goodbye and walked to the elevator to leave. 

“JARVIS do you know where is Bucky?” you asked the AI

“He is waiting for you in the garage Mrs. (Y/L/N)” the polite British voice replied.

“Thank you dear” you said with a smile. When you reached your car Bucky was waiting for you, just as JARVIS had told you.

“I knew that I’d find you here” you said mysteriously to Bucky. He raised an eyebrow questioningly “JARVIS told me…”

“That little snitch!” he said looking up at the ceiling

“Maybe we should call him ‘Nails’ instead…” you smiled. The last show that you had shown him was ‘The Nanny’ and he had loved it. He didn't reply. Instead he just looked at you in the eyes and smiled sadly. It was the longest you had been apart in six months.

“I will miss you”

“It’s only a week…”

“Still…” you let your suitcase down and moved to touch his shoulder but he surprised you as he hugged you tightly and buried his face in your hair. Hesitantly you wrapped your arms around his torso and held him. You took in his musky scent and you wished you could stay like that

“I thought that I should slash the tires so that you wouldn’t leave…” he said and you breathed deeply again as you felt his hot breath on your hair

“I would borrow one of Tony's cars…”

“That’s why I didn't do it…”

“It’s only a week. I will be back before you know it”

“You won’t be at the party… Steve will make me dance with someone and I hoped that I would have you to avoid this whole thing”

“You will find a gorgeous girl and you will dance with her. You will talk and you will have a great time and then you will ask her on a date and then… well then we will have the flowers and the bees talk….” You said and you felt your stomach twitching at your own words. You didn't want that to happen. You didn't want him to be with anyone else. You wanted him to be with you, love you and hold you. But you also wanted him to be happy. And if he was happy with someone else, you had no right to take that away from him. He already had many things taken away. 

“You sound a lot like Steve now, you know that?” he said and he let go of you looking… disappointed? You couldn’t exactly tell. 

“Goodbye Bucky!” you said forcing a smile “I will see you next Monday” and with that, you put your suitcase to the back seat of your car and drove off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a bit torn about what to do next. Would anyone be interested in a chapter that will be written in Bucky's POV or should I just go on with the plot?
> 
> I am really looking forward to your comments and suggestions!  
> please take a moment and tell me your opinion. It matters a lot
> 
> Thank you very much!


	6. Bucky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me forever to upoload this and I am sorry if anyone waited
> 
> Thank you for your kudos and Comments.
> 
> This is from Bucky's POV so the "I" is Bucky
> 
> hope you enjoy! :)

She left. I couldn’t believe that she actually wished for me to find someone else and then left! It wasn’t how I was planning the conversation to go. Not at all.   
I didn't know for how long I had been standing frozen in the middle of the garage when I heard footsteps. Steve’s footsteps to be exact.

“Well, did you tell her?” Steve asked as he approached me

“No.” I replied. “She told me to go find someone and then she left.”

“You told her that you like her and she told you that?” Steve asked me shocked

“No Steve!” I was starting to get mad at him for no reason at all! _Great, (Y/F/N) was gone for less than an hour and I couldn’t control myself!_ “I didn’t get to tell her anything…”

“Darn it punk! You said that you would tell her!”

“I just couldn’t alright? The conversation didn’t go like I had planned it!”

“Buck?” Steve said putting a hand on my shoulder. It feels like our positions should be reversed, I had a feeling that I should be the one helping him, not the other way around but I couldn’t find the exact memories.  “You know I’m with you pal. Just, don’t take too long or you might lose her…”

“I know Steve, I know”

* * *

 

We left the garage and trained for a bit. Usually we banter during our sparring sessions and it would take us a good couple of hours for one of us to pin the other down. Today wasn’t one of those days.  I hadn’t realised how much I would miss (Y/F/N) until I couldn’t focus on my match with Steve.  My mind kept going back to our last conversation. It was a matter of minutes until Steve had me pinned down. As he gave me his hand to help me back up he hit me in the back of the head

“Will you focus already or should we stop?”

“I can’t do this now pal, I am sorry…” I apologised. It wasn’t Steve’s fault that I couldn’t man up and tell to the one person that I love the truth.  “What do I have to offer her Steve? Why would she ever consider being with me? I am still a mess…”

“Buck, we’ve been through this! You aren’t a mess. You have your issues just like everyone else. The Bucky I know has the biggest heart that anyone can imagine and (Y/F/N) is the kind of person who can appreciate that.”

His words didn’t put me on ease at all. 

“I’m gonna take a shower. I’ll eat in my room so don’t wait up ok?” I said. It was way too hard to be in the tower without (Y/F/N). She would always tell me stories about everyone and I was getting used to being around so many people but without her here to keep me grounded, I didn’t want to be around them. When I got put of the bathroom I ate some spaghetti with meatballs that (Y/F/N) had cooked the day before and I lay in bed. I dint feel like sleeping but I didn’t feel like doing anything either. I had plenty of movies and tv series to watch but without (Y/F/N) by my side they didn’t seem interesting at all.  I turned to her side of the bed and hugged her pillow. The sweet and fresh smell of her shampoo was still on it.  I had no idea how I was going to sleep without her beside me.  Every night when she was asleep I would hold on to her but before she would wake up I would let go of her. She must never know what I feel. I had tried to say it to her, to tell her how much she means to me, how much I will truly miss her, how much I love her, but it wasn’t the time. I couldn’t do it, she wasn’t ready to hear it. Maybe she would never be ready to hear these words from him and he would be forced to be happy without her. He would be forced to watch her spend her life with another man because he is too destroyed to have a normal relationship. 

She was the one who took his nightmares away, she was the one who made him feel normal and helped him find his place in this weird world. She was the one who wanted to set him up with someone else.  He was a fool to believe that she would ever want to go to sleep and wake up in his arms, she would probably hate him if he was to kiss her lips, her neck, hold her in his arms and show her exactly how much he loved her. Have her moaning underneath him because of his touch, of what he did to her.  He wanted her to scream his name like he had done so many times in the past when he was thinking about her naked body pressed against his. But she would never want that.  She would never want a ghost of a man with so many flaws, physically and mentally unstable and not to mention the age issue.  He was doomed to love and not be loved for as long as he was going to be walking this earth. Maybe being a cold blooded tool with no emotions and attachments wasn’t as bad as they made it out to be…

Did I sleep? Is it morning or is it still night? I had been half asleep for god knows how long.  I have been changing positions and side for the most time, the only thing staying the same is (Y/F/N)’s pillow in my arms. But it was a poor substitute. It didn’t feel like her at all. It was really early in the morning when I decided that sleep wasn’t going to take me so it would be better to take my frustration somewhere. The shooting range was a good idea. The constant and rhythmic bang of the gun in my hands was making me feel somewhat relaxed.  After the first clip that I emptied the AI’s voice filed the room

“Mr. Barnes would you be interested to put your score in the board?”

“What board?” I wasn’t particularly interested but I was curious. Then a hologram appeared in front of me with names and scores.  Barton’s was the first in the list and Romanoff’s close behind him.  But it wasn’t that what caught my attention. (Y/F/N)’s name was under Steve’s. She could handle a gun? There were so many things that I didn’t know about the sweet woman who cared for me. It was quite impressive to know that and I wondered what other things I did not know about her.  Truth is she never told me much about herself. Apart from the first day when she told me about those people picking on her she hadn’t told me anything.  The only people that I knew that were close to her were the Avengers and a girl named Jackie. She said that she loved her like a sister or even more than that but she didn’t say anything specific.  My heart rate increased. I loved her and I didn’t know anything about her? That was sad at least. Was I a horrible person? Did my own problems make me blind to the one person I love?

“Sir?” the Ai interrupted my thoughts

“Close the board. I am not interested.” I was angry again. Angry at myself, at (Y/F/N), at her family that took her away from me, at everyone.  I went to the gym and run a couple miles to ease my mind. Steve rarely used the treadmills, he always preferred to run outside and it was too early for anyone else to be up, so I would be alone. When I noticed Romanoff and Barton coming in I made my way out. I didn’t want to see anyone yesterday and today was no exception. I knew that I would have to go to that damned party but I would avoid everyone for as long as I could. 

“Good morning to you too” Romanoff said as I was walking out. I didn’t want to talk so I just left. I couldn’t care less what she thinks of me.

* * *

 

I went to my room and took another shower. I was feeling heavy and tired. My stomach growled in need of food what else could go wrong?

“You up Bucky?” Steve shouted from the door. _Great_ , I thought. I don’t know in what shape I was in but judging from the look in his face it wasn’t good

“Is everything alright? You look like hell” he said sitting on the couch

“I couldn’t sleep.” I stated

“Nightmares again?”

“I was just… uncomfortable” Steve smiled -how could he smile when I was a mess?- and made some coffee in the small kitchen of my apartment.  

“You really miss her don’t you?”

“I never said the opposite”

“Do you want me to call her?” my eyes lit up. Why hadn’t I thought of it? She had showed me how to text and call from the smart mobile phone.  

“She will be sleeping. She doesn’t wake up until midday if she doesn’t have to” I hadn’t realised that I had a stupid smile on my face until I saw me reflection in the black polished cupboards.

“Call her whenever you want to. I am sure that she will pick up”

“I will. Before the party, I will”

“Good” Steve said pouring some coffee in his mug. When I moved to do the same he slapped my hand. “No way! You need to sleep and look... well... at least somewhat presentable for the party! You are staying away from coffee”

“Punk!” I said under my breath

“Shush it jerk!” Steve replied smiling “speaking of the party, do you need a tux?”

“No” I said proudly “(Y/F/N) helped me buy one” Steve gave an appreciating look

“How perceptive of her!” he said

“She was so cute when she was buttoning up the shirt and she was touching me all blushed and…”

“THAT IS WAY MORE THAN ENOUGH! I am not really comfortable hearing all this!” Steve said red as a tomato. It was kind of fun. “I am not going to be buttoning up any of your shirts so better fix it yourself!” he said as he walked out.  

 

I found myself laughing alone and it was the first time that I laughed so openly since (Y/F/N) left.  I took Steve’s advice and headed to sleep. I was feeling tired but surprising lighter.  It was a good thing. I grabbed (Y/F/N)’s pillow and smelled her sweet smell. Then sleep took me easily.  The next thing I knew was Steve banging on my door again

“What the hell! I was sleeping!” I answered irritated. Then I noticed something weird. Steve was wearing a tuxedo and his hair was styled up on one side while he was looking at me in shock

“It’s almost time to get down! What am I going to do with you?” he asked but I really didn’t have an answer. I was hoping to get back to sleep…

“Get dressed! I will bring you something to eat and then I will help you if you need anything. Be ready when I come back” I groaned and moved to find my tuxedo. This was it. I was about to join this monkey show!


	7. home sweet home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!
> 
> i am very sorry if anyone waited for this  
> i will try to post more frequently  
> thank you for your kudos and comments  
> hope you enjoy and I cant wait to hear your opinion
> 
> * a little bit of swearing and animal abuse  
> from the next chapter it will get a bit angstier so be prepared

Home sweet home. You were driving for three hours and the empty highway helped you clear your head.  Ever since your father died it had been hell. You thought of it as a way for the universe to test your strength and you think that you dealt with it rather well. The one who didn’t was your mother, in three months she was seeing a man she met at the church through your uncle.  You never liked your uncle. His misogynistic opinions rubbed off on your mom who always felt like she needed him to protect her. So when he suggested that she should marry this random guy she accepted.

“You need protection, you need a father” she had told you and no matter how many times you had tried to convince her that you were fine on your own, just the two of you, she wouldn’t believe you. So she settled for your step-father. He never liked you. He thought that you were an obstacle in their relationship which consisted of your mother being his servant and whenever you tried to speak up, he would leave, your mother would cry, he would come back and the story would be repeated until you moved away. Even then you tried to persuade your mother to come with you, divorce the stupid guy, sell the house and buy a small apartment for the two of you but she was glued to that damned town.  Nothing worked. She was still living with that scumbag and you had no idea what he was doing to her. She wouldn’t let you help her.  Every time you visited she would play all good and nice, serve her husband (who pretended like you weren’t there unless he could accuse you of something) and never tell you anything about her life or her problems.

On the way Jackie called and said that you should meet and do some shopping Saturday morning, so that you could wear something nice. It was heartwarming to know that even in this hellhole there was someone who got your back, someone who you could trust.  You knew Jackie from highschool. You two hit it off instantly, you seemed to complete each other. Although you had overcome most of your self esteem problems when you changed schools, some were still there and Jackie seemed to be in total control of her life. You admired that. Her family was strange too. It wasn’t awkward when you told her about your problems because she told you about hers as well.  Her parents didn’t like the name Jackie. They had named her Jacqueline but she despised that name.  You would call her Jackie –like everyone else in school- but for her family it would always be Jacqueline. 

When you reached your home your mom was waiting for you. It was no wonder that your stepfather didn’t welcome you. If it was up to him you wouldn’t step foot in that house ever again. He hated you and believed that you were a bad influence not only to your mother but to everyone around you.   Your mom said that he was playing cards with his buddies but you knew that he was avoiding you. And you were glad. You cooked dinner with your mom but even though she asked you about your job you told her what you always did. It paid well, you organized parties and the Avengers were kind but distant.  You didn’t tell her about your relationship with them or about your situation with Bucky.  You didn’t know why but something in your gut told you that the less she knew the better it was for her.  The dinner was ready and you were waiting for your stepfather, you had suggested leaving him waiting and to go away before he came back but your mother gave you a stern look that said that your cause was hopeless.   You sighed and waited. When he wasn’t home at half past ten you ate. 

The next morning you woke up knowing that he would be home and that something bad was going to happen. When you received a message from Jackie that said that she had already done her shopping so your trip was cancelled you knew that the day didn’t start well. Walking downstairs with your phone in hand you heard the same conversation. Instead of “good morning” or “welcome” your stepfather started yelling at you about how late you wake up, how you never do anything but be on your phone and how useless you are around the house.  Things got worse when you saw photos on Jackie’s facebook with her and some friends who were shopping together.  You were ready to start yelling back but then you saw your mother, already looking tired, although it was just one in the afternoon and all the thought about arguing with your stepfather vanished. 

* * *

 

In the afternoon the guests started coming. Your stepdad acted like nothing had happened, like usual. Your uncle and aunt were the first to arrive.  You never liked the extremely patronizing attitude of your uncle. He acted like he owned you and your mother and he was trying to control your lives.  They were mostly making conversation with your stepfather and you and your mom nodded or laughed occasionally. 

“I think it’s time to get a new dog, Annie is getting too old” your uncle stated.

“Do you need any help taking care of her?” your stepfather asked

“No, I can handle her. It’s not like she can ran anymore…” your uncle replied and the both laughed

“Excuse me, what do you mean ‘take care of her’?” you asked not wanting to believe what you thought that it meant

“I’ll just shoot her down and throw her away” he said like he was talking about the weather. At that moment you were in such a state of shock that you couldn’t feel anything.  Your limps had grown numb and you could barely register your mother’s hand on your leg in an attempt to calm you down. 

“How can you do that to your dog?! It… it is a soul… it is your dog!” you were stuttering. You loved Annie. You were playing with her when you were younger and she was the cutest and happiest dog you had ever met. Whenever you walked outside of your uncle’s house she was crying if you didn’t pet her.  But even if she was the worst dog in existence you still object to her murder. 

“You are a child” he said belittling you “you wouldn’t understand. It is just a dog. It can’t do its job, it is replaced” his tone was cold and you could see that he was trying hard to stay calm. Well, so were you and you wouldn’t let your little Annie get killed.

“You can’t do that! She had feelings! She is a part of the family! Don’t you care about her?” both the men laughed at you

“Remember when we were kids?” your stepfather asked your uncle, completely ignoring you “all the old dogs, cats or chicken that were too old or too sick for use… it was such a great time to kill them” he said reminiscing. You were fuming! You wanted to take them to the police, to punch them, to do something! But you couldn’t. You never could. 

When more guests arrived you found yourself playing with your six-year-old cousin. She was your favourite and you got along great. She was a huge Avenger’s fan and especially Natasha’s. You didn’t even tell her that you knew them personally but she was thrilled to hear that you were in the same room with them. She was looking at you like you were her hero.

“One day, when you are older, because little girls can’t do such a big trip, I will take you to New York with me and if we are lucky we will see all of them!”   You told her and watched her face light up in pure glee

“You sure that’s the best you can do” you heard Jackie's voice from behind you say. You immediately got to your feet and hugged her. You were so happy to see your best friend again! She hugged you back and she told you that she had missed you but it didn’t feel like hugs from Natasha felt. It was like there was a thin barrier between you.

“Go play with the other while I catch up with Jackie a little, alright?” you asked and she nodded not too happy with that “haw have you been?” you asked walking toward your room

“Same old, same old. Yell me about you. You are the one with the ‘A’ job in the big city!” she said smiling

“You know, planning a party here, a party there… tony is very keen on having parties!” you both laughed. She knew that you were close with the avengers but she wouldn’t tell anyone.  You wouldn’t say anything about Bucky yet. It was a secret that you were going to keep from everyone.  When you reached you room, instead of getting under the covers and cuddling, like you always did, she sat the end of the bed and you sat next to her, taking your pillow and hugging it. 

“Maybe he is working on something big and he wants to keep you distracted”

“Of course, because he would feel threatened if I knew about his plans” you said sarcastically “whenever he tries to explain to me what he does I end up with a headache. So I stopped asking and he stopped sharing.” You laughed but she didn’t. She looked disappointed “actually, in about half an hour starts a party that is about promoting a new project he and Bruce are working on”

“What is it about?” she asked interested

“Told you, I don’t ask, I don’t get a headache!” you smiled but again she didn’t find it funny

“You know, word is that the Winter Soldier is at the Avenger’s tower. Have you seen him?”

“I don’t know… that kind of stuff is above my clearance level. Steve is a bit stressed these last few weeks but it could be anything” you never had a problem with lying. Natasha helped you master that art and giving her a false time was throwing her more off than anything.  She didn’t seem to have anything else to say so you suggested going watch the party from the living room. She agreed and you walked back. When you entered the living room you took your cousin in your arms and turned the TV on. Jackie never liked kids so she was distant to your cousin. As you saw Clint in a silver tux with a vest and Natasha in a midnight blue dress take some photos and talk with some reporters your mom approached you and whispered in your ear that your stepfather was angry at you for not being around with the guests.  So round 2 after? You thought remembering the morning’s shenanigans. 

The party was getting started and tony was talking about his project. Bruce was behind him nodding and trying to stay away from the spotlight.  Tony’s speech wasn’t enlightening to you, Jackie however seemed to find it interesting.  You didn’t dare to ask her anything because you knew that she would start explaining to you in a way that made you feel stupid and you would still not understand anything. Nothing like tony did. Despite his reputation he was very patient and didn’t think less of you for not understanding his science.  As he finished he introduced Steve and he started reading the speech that you had prepared.    Although the whole speech was fine, in the end he said something that wasn’t on the script

“You know, the Avengers aren’t just us.  We get to have recognition and your gratitude but it is also the people who work tirelessly who deserve your love and appreciation. They are the reason that we are safe and able to talk to you now.  The doctors who put up with us when we are in pain and try their best to get us back to full health, the former SHIELD agents who plan our missions and are our backup in case the worst happens and last but definitely not least, the people who keep us grounded, our friends who take their jobs a step further, who do things that they don’t have to because they care about us, who help us when the sane thing is to refuse.  Who are a bit crazy and don’t take care about themselves, but luckily for them, we are there for them and we care. So I need to say a big thank you to all these people and a personal friend who never takes credit for what she does. Thank you (Y/F/N). thank you” he said getting off the small stage.  The camera showed Tony and Pepper who were standing up and clapping and you were certain that you saw Tony’s eyes welling up in tears a little bit. Then you saw Natasha and Clint smiling widely and clapping as well and finally you saw everyone in the room staring at you frozen in shock. Well, Captain America had just called you a personal friend. You were kind of screwed…

“What was that about?” your stepfather broke the silence and asked angrily

“What?” you replied feigning ignorance

“Don’t you answer my question with a question and tell me why this failed experiment called you his friend” he growled

“He obviously wasn’t talking about me” you kept on

“Then why are you crying?” you hadn’t noticed the tears that were in your eyes until now.

“It was a moving speech”

“(Y/F/N) just tell them already” Jackie interjected

_“YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU! FUCK EVERYONE IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE! I HATE YOU ALL”_ you wanted to scream but instead you put your cousin down (who was now looking at you like you were the biggest star of the world so something good came out of it), glared at Jackie and walked to  your room.

It wasn’t hard to gather all your things. You hadn’t found the time to unpack so you threw a couple of things back to your bag and got out from your window.  The last thing that you wanted was to see any of them again.  Before you left the town you drove to your uncle’s house and moved to the door. Once Annie saw you she started waging her tail and crying, her way of asking you to play with her. You opened the door and set her free. Then you put her in the front seat of your car and left for the Avenger’s tower.  
  
  


**It was time to go home**


	8. A Stark party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone!  
> I did it!  
> i uploaded another chapter!  
> I will start working on the next one immediatelly so I hope it wont take long until my next update!
> 
> thank you all for your wonderful comments and kudos!  
> and i want to give a special thanx to my friend who was my inspiration and helped me start writing again! <3

By the time you there the party was in full swing.  You were outside of the building and you could hear the music loud and clear. Apparently Pepper’s choices of songs didn’t last long. Although there was no AC/DC the beat that you heard wasn’t very appropriate for galas like this either. But it was very... Tony. And that was enough to make you smile.  With your code you went to the underground garage and helped Annie get out. You guided her to one of the many empty guestrooms and told JARVIS to mark it as reserved under your name. In little time you had found two bowls, one for her water and one for her food. Her food consisted of some raw meat that you found in the fridge.  You made a bed for her from the sheets and pillows in the room and in the morning you would find a vet. You didn’t trust your uncle would have made sure that she was healthy when he intended to murder her.  You played with her for a little bit and then you decided to go and see your friends.

Most of the clients and funders had left and in the party there were just the people that you knew plus some of their acquaintances.  You already wore a dress and some light make up but it was nothing compared to what everyone else was wearing.  The friendly atmosphere helped you relax but still you were a little self conscious.  The song that was playing was a slow one so you noticed the two couples of the tower dancing among other familiar faces. Tony help Pepper close and you couldn’t feel happier about them. Natasha and Clint were dancing hesitantly t the song just like they were dancing around each other. You had no idea how two of the most intelligent people you had ever met were so oblivious to the mutual feelings.  Steve and Bruce were sitting at the bar talking so you thought that you could go and say hello.  You couldn’t find Bucky anywhere in the room.

“Hey guys!” you said and they both immediately tensed

“(Y/F/N)!” Steve exclaimed as he wrapped you in his strong arms “why are you here? Aren’t you supposed to be on vacation?” he asked as he let you hug Bruce.

“Well… I heard about a mad person mentioned at your speech and I had to come and make sure you were alright” you said smiling.

“I didn’t say mad...just a bit… crazy…” he said blushing and scratching the back of his neck.  He was so cute when he acted all shy.  You kept talking with Bruce and Steve without mentioning anything that had happened at your house as you kept stealing glances here and there hoping to see Bucky but to no avail.  Some minutes later you felt two arms wrap around your middle and squish you tight. You turned around and came face to face with and overwhelmed Natasha.  

“How did you get here?” she asked smiling. It was rare to see Natasha smile when there were other people present.  Maybe her dance with Clint cheered her up.

“By car” you replied non-chalantly while you were still in her arms

“Don’t sass me kid!” she warned you playfully “is everything alright?” she whispered in your ear and you could hear the concern in her voice. 

“Don’t worry Nat.  I can manage” you whispered back and broke free from her embrace to move and greet Clint properly

“I might need your help with a little something…” you told him sweetly and he gave you a look of fear and intrigue. “JARVIS will tell you about the room is have reserved, right Jar?” you asked towards the ceiling

“As you wish ms (Y/L/N)” the AI’s voice replied

“Thank you sweetheart” you said your heart filling with happiness.  It was so good to be around people who cared for you.  All of your worries and fears were rapidly fading as if what happened in your house was centuries and not hours ago.  When you understood that tony wasn’t going to stop dancing with Pepper, Clint took it upon himself to help him notice you. A loud whistle was heard and he shouted

“Hey! Stark! Look who’s here!” pointing at you.  Tony gasped and dragged Pepper towards the bar that you were all sitting while everyone was laughing at him

“Pudding face!” he exclaimed as he grabbed and twirled you around “I knew that you couldn’t stay away from me!” he said proudly when he put you down

“I was having nightmares and woke up gasping your name” you said dramatically putting your hand over your heart “aaaand… here I am!”

“It’s good to have you here kid” he said sincerely.

“What happened to your vacation?” Pepper asked innocently. No one –besides Nat who actually knew what was going on with your family- had asked you that and you hoped that you could avoid it indefinitely. You were wrong. Seeing your hesitation Pepper apologized but you shaked your head

“It’s alright… it’s just that”

“I called her” Natasha said “Barnes looked like he needed her, he was acting weird, so I pulled her out of her vacation” you smiled at Natasha’s save and you thought that you had a long way to go if you wanted to lie like her. Everyone seemed to have bought it, some more that others and Steve informed you that Bucky had retreated to his room. 

You didn’t waste any time as you ran to yours and Bucky’s floor.  You thought about making an entrance but when you saw Bucky, sprawled on the couch, with the TV on but his eyes heavy, dark circles under his beautiful eyes and his hair a perfect mess, you decided against it.

“Hey there” you whispered as you approached him

“Doll” he coaxed, his voice heavy from tiredness “is that you?”

“Yes buck, it is me. Let’s get you to sleep alright?” you said turning the TV off

“No!” he protested and held his arms out for you to hug him. You did so and he held you close to his chest with no intention of letting go.  You moved and sat on his lap to get more comfortable but when he buried his head in your neck you felt the familiar heat rising again his your body. The way his hands were roaming your back and his hot breath was ghosting over your collarbones weren’t helping at all. When he whispered ‘I missed you’ again and again with his lips against your skin you had to fight an extremely strong urge to moan and grab his hair to pull him closer.  You calmed yourself down and closed your eyes. Your head felt extremely heavy as you rested it on top of his and you took a log calming breath. Hi natural scent was the best thing to lose yourself into after a horrible day. 

You had no idea how long had it been since you two fell asleep there, but when you cracked your eyes open you felt something in the back of your head and you noticed that the music had stopped. 

You heard a deep voice telling you to stay quiet and you obeyed. Your eyes were completely open now and your heart was beating like crazy. There were three masked men with their guns aiming at you.

“Wake him up” the voice behind you said. You caressed Bucky’s shoulder and he woke up slowly. Once he opened his eyes he looked around horrified

“Don’t make a move soldier” the masked man behind you commanded “did you actually think that we wouldn’t find you?” he asked not really needing an answer. You had frozen in fear thinking that the man behind you was holding a knife and if the look in Bucky’s eyes was any indignation, the laser from the guns the other three men were holding must have been aimed at you as well.  There was no way to move. Bucky was under you and you were between three bullets and a slit on the head

“And you” he continued pushing the knife “you left your family to come running like a love sick puppy for this… this weapon” he asked.  He clearly was HYDRA and he clearly knew way more than you were comfortable with him knowing. You could almost hear the gears in Bucky’s brain turn as he was trying to make the best of the situation and get both of you alive but the man saw him as well

“Don’t think like that.” He said in an extremely calm voice that made your insides turn “you see, if you make a move and try take me, your precious girlfriend will end up with three bullets in that beautiful head.  If you make a run for the guys behind you, she will end up with said head cut off.  Are we clear?”

“What do you want?” Bucky asked glaring at the man

“Isn’t it obvious?” he said with a laugh “HYDRA needs you Soldier. You are our weapon, our tool to shape the world exactly as we need it.  We didn’t like that they took you from us”

“If I come with you she gets to walk” Bucky said sternly

“Bucky I won’t le…” you didn’t finish your sentence as you felt the knife push harshly in your head and you swore that you felt blood dripping down your neck. 

“You are in no place to bargain” he hissed, pulled you away from Bucky by the hair and hit him on the head till he blacked out. You had fallen down and for the first time you saw the three red dots, now on your chest. You moved your hand to the back of your neck and your assumptions proved to be right as it came back stained red from your blood.

“and as for you” the man said turning to you on the floor “you are insurance” was the last thing you heard before his fist connected with your face and the world turned black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soo, I joined tumblr and although I dont have the hang of it -yet- if anyone wants to contact me or send me anything you can now find me at: http://avengingfashionhunter.tumblr.com 
> 
> thank you for reading  
> your comments and kudos are always welcomed and much appreciated


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone!
> 
> so, on this chapter there is some violence ahead! (well, you are being held captive by HYDRA, what did you expect, flowers?)
> 
> \+ some Clintasha love cause they are my OTP ;) 
> 
> we are getting close to the smutty chapter so... be prepared! ;) 
> 
>  
> 
> I would like to take a moment and sincerely thank every single one of you who took some time to read my story and even more so those who left kudos and comments. I was in a very bad headspace and I was thinking some very nasty thoughts. I just want you to know that with your love for my work you have made me smile again and I know that most of you probably don't really care but you have made someone happy and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for this. 
> 
>  
> 
> I hope you enjoy!!!

Location: Avenger’s Tower, New York

“I don’t understand” Steve thought out loud “why only five HYDRA soldiers? Yes, they were holding grenades but still, it didn’t take us more that fifteen minutes to disarm them…”

“Is everyone alright?” Tony asked around. The people that remained in the tower were just the avengers and their close friends.  (Y/F/N) had gone to find Bucky about an hour ago and the rest of the people who shouldn’t be fighting (a.k.a Bruce, Pepper, Jane and Dr. Cho) were safe hiding behind the bar. 

“JARVIS, are (Y/F/N) and Bucky alright?” Steve asked the AI

“I am afraid not Mr. Rogers” the British voice answered

“What do you mean you are afraid not?” Steve said panicked

“Let me show you” the AI responded and a holographic screen appeared out of nowhere. The screen showed four men in black ski masks in Bucky’s room taking you down and escaping with a helicopter that waited for them on the roof

“Unfortunately there is no available identification” JARVIS said when the footage was over. Tony and Steve looked like they were ready to have a stroke and Natasha hid herself in Clint’s arms.

“Alright everybody relax” Clint said holding Natasha close to him “we will track the helicopter and we will find them”

“I am afraid I can’t do that sir” JARVIS said

“Why?”

“The helicopter seems to have the same cloaking technology that SHIELD’s helicarriers had”

“There must be a way damn it!” Clint shouted and his time Steve did not correct his language

   
  


* * *

 

  
  
Location: HYDRA base, Infirmary (Bucky’s POV)

I woke up and looked around. Unfamiliar territory. A doctor who could be taken hostage of the situation asked for it. Lots of needles but no real weapon. The doctor’s eyes fell on me and she held her hands up in surrender.

“Hello, I am doctor Reynolds. Do you know who you are?” she asked scared. She should be scared.  I have no intention of staying here and if they have hurt (Y/F/N) I will make them wish they were never born.

“I need to know of you are in control. Please tell me, do you know who you are”

“my name is James Buchanan Barnes, Steve Rogers is my best friend and if you have laid a single finger on (Y/F/N) I will personally make sure that no one in this facility will see the light of day again” I said masking my worry and hoping that she understands how serious I am being. 

“Alright, I take it that the mind control didn’t kick in with the punch.  I am glad. Now, let’s make a deal” she said walking confidently towards me.  This is going to be interesting

   
  


* * *

  
  


Location: HYDRA base, your cell

You woke up slowly feeling a strong constant pain in your head.  You contemplated opening our eyes but you thought that since Bucky hadn’t woken you up, you could steal a couple of minutes of sleep.  Why hadn’t Bucky woken you and why did the bed feel…small…? You opened your eyes quickly shooting up from the bed as the memories of where you were flooded in your brain.  Big mistake.  The buzzing in your head worsened and you felt dizzy. You didn’t dare open your eyes although the room didn’t seem to have much light.  You slowly opened your eyes and took in your surroundings. The bed was a single, there was a closed steel door, a door to another room –hopefully bathroom- and on the other end of the room another bed with a small child. WAIT WHAT?! You looked again and yes, unmistakably there was a little boy o the bed next to yours, hugging his legs to his chest, obviously scared. He couldn’t be more than six.

“Hi” you said quietly not wanting to scare him more. He just looked at you and didn’t answer “my name is (Y/F/N). Do you want to tell me yours?”

“Michael” he said so quietly that you almost thought that you imagined it. 

“Nice to meet you Michael.  Do you know how long I have been asleep?”

“Not very much” he replied

“How long have you been here?” you asked and h just shrugged “do you remember when they brought you in? or why…”

“I came with my… mommy… and… and daddy…” he said like he was about to cry

“Do you know where they are now?” at that he started crying. It was heartbreaking to see the violent sobs shaking his small frame and you couldn’t help yourself. You stood up, a bit disoriented, and walked to his bed. As soon as you wrapped your arms around him he screamed and shook you off

“I don’t want to hurt you dear, I am not going to hurt you” you tried to reassure him but he shook his head.

“I… I will hurt… you…” he said as he hung his head in shame.

“Do you want to hurt me?” you asked and he shook his head “then you won’t hurt me” you concluded opening your arms as an invitation. Michael hesitantly moved closer to you and when he realized that you were both alright he held on to you with everything he had. He had his eyes closed as if when he opened them you would disappear. You ran your fingers through his hair, calming him down and started singing softly to him. In a matter of minutes he was asleep.

So basically, Bucky 2.0…

   
  


* * *

 

  
  
Location: Avengers Tower, 58th floor, gym

Natasha punched the bag again and again. Each punch was harder than the previous and she was going faster and faster. Usually it was Steve who was hitting the punching bags if his life was depended on it but now Natasha needed it too.  (Y/F/N) was missing for three days, along with Bucky and she couldn’t stand it anymore.  No one in the tower got mush sleep or food.  It seemed so dark and depressing without her there. She would always tease everyone, make amazing foods that she had seen on the internet, sign as she cleaned, go shopping with her, have girl talks (something that Natasha had never experienced before). She didn’t realize when the tears started falling and when she stopped punching the bag and leaned on it sobbing quietly. She was crying until she felt a hand run up and down her back. At this point she didn’t care who saw her like this.  The hand helped her stand up and turn around.  It was Clint, of course it was Clint. He had been taking care of (Y/F/N)’s dog but he didn’t look great as well. Everyone dealt with it differently. Steve was walking around like a zombie, blaming himself for introducing Bucky to (Y/F/N) and getting them in that situation. Tony was working non-stop at his laboratory with just alcohol to keep him going. Pepper had abandoned everything and looked after Tony. Bruce was in his room, meditating, trying to keep the other guy in; and Clint, Clint looked after (Y/F/N)’s dog as if it was her. But the dog was too old and the vet said that she had several tumors.  Clint was doing everything to keep her alive until her owner returned. 

Natasha had calmed in his arms and she could almost hear (Y/F/N)’s voice in her head telling her to kiss him already, that they were both stupid for not saying anything. She smiled.

“She will come back, we will find her” he said looking down at her

“I miss her.  Some friend I am… letting her get hurt like this…” she said and buried her head in his chest

“You are a great friend. And she knows it. Don’t blame yourself for something that you have no power on.”

“I can’t! I should have been there! I should have protected her! Some friend I am! Two are the people that I care about in this world and I screwed up both of them!” she said more to herself than him.  But he had heard her. And there was no turning back

“What is that supposed to mean?” he asked

“I… I wasn’t there… and she got captured…” Natasha tried to save it

“Oh... I see… I mean… it kind of makes sense…” he trailed off feeling betrayed.

“What makes sense?”

“You don’t have to hide it from me Natasha. I wish you had told me sooner…”

“Tell you what Barton? What do you want for me?” she was yelling. It wasn’t so much about Clint but it was him being crazy and all the frustration of the past two days

“That you want him!” he yelled back. It took Natasha a couple of seconds to comprehend what he meant

“I love you, you moron!” she said quietly as she took a few steps to stand in front of him

“You love… me?” he asked and she only nodded. Despite everything she felt a weight being lifted off her shoulders. And she felt like she was soaring in the air when he cupped her face and softly kissed her lips.  Maybe, just maybe, if this turned out alright, they were going to get (Y/F/N) back and in one piece, maybe there was hope

   
  


* * *

 

  
  
Location: HYDRA base, Infirmary

“You can’t do that!” dr. Reynolds all but screamed at the two people in front of her “you can’t put him again on cryo nor wipe him again. Unless you want your Winter Soldier to be a Winter nothing you can’t do it!”

“I don’t understand why” the woman asked

“Ugh!” the doctor sighed. She had already explained that “the punch triggered the brainwashing to start again.  So if you try to brainwash the brainwashing his brain will fry and he won’t be able to do anything. Not fight, not shoot, hell, not even stand on his own!”

The two finally seemed to be convinced and moved along. The Soldier was contained on a cell and now that he was already theirs to control they didn’t have much use for you. Unless…

 

* * *

 

  
  
Location: HYDRA base, your cell

You were sleeping with Michael. The kid had terrible nightmares, maybe worse than Bucky’s. What made it truly terrible was the thought of what that poor child had gone through to get those nightmares.  You hoped that the avengers would find you so you could find someone to care properly for the child and help him forget about this hell.  You were sleeping with him, like you did with Bucky but unlike the former you were holding Mickey and either singing him to sleep or telling him stories. You were trying to give him hope and keep him strong for as long as you were going to be there. You had faith in your friends and you knew that they would find you.  You didn’t let your thoughts go to Bucky. You didn’t want to start crying in front of the kid. You would deal with the damage that these monsters had done to your Bucky when you got him back. 

The only way to tell what time it was, was the meals that they were serving you. Three meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It wasn’t much but it kept you going.   You had lost count of the days that you were there.  Until one day (or night) two guards opened the door. You put your body in front of Mickey to protect him. You’d rather die than let something happen to him.  But apparently they didn’t want him. They wanted you.  They grabbed you and shoved Mickey back to the bed. He was screaming and crying but you only had time to smile at him as they dragged you out of the room.

It was dark, where they took you. You were strapped in a chair, there was a yellow light above you and a huge mirror in front of you.  If Law and Order had taught you one thing was that this mirror in front of you was actually a window and someone was watching you from the other side.  Suddenly you weren’t alone in the room. You didn’t see light from the door that opened but you know someone was in there with you. Before you had the chance to say a word you felt your face collide with a cold object and by the force that it hit you, you could tell that the someone had brass knuckles on his hand.  You felt blood dripping from your nose.  This wasn’t going to end well. 

The weird thing was that the person you was hitting you didn’t ask you anything. This wasn’t an interrogation. Your nose was bleeding and so was your mouth. He had hit your kneecaps with enough force hurt like hell but not break them.  He or she had punched your stomach a couple of times and you felt like you weren’t going to be eating anything for a couple of hours.  You were certain that you would get a black eye and your head felt dizzy. Concussion probably?

As unexpectedly you were dragged out of your cell, you were being unshackled and dragged out of that torture room but in a much worse condition. You just didn’t want Michael to see you like this…

Your wish was granted as they didn’t lead you to your room but to the infirmary.

“What is this? What did you do to her?” a doctor asked

“Do what they asked you to do. Don’t ask. If she doesn’t survive the process don’t worry, she is useless now” you heard someone say and you started losing communication to the outside world. Well, they wouldn’t need anesthetics to put you down, would they now? You thought and everything went black once more.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, for the next chapter I will need to find my drafts and I have no idea where they are... Please be patient until I find them!


	10. **SMUTTY SMUT**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone!
> 
> here comes the smuuuut!!!!!!
> 
> and some feels  
> and some plot  
> but mostly smut! :P 
> 
> it is juuust a little bigger than the other chapters but I hope that you enjoy!
> 
> i dont dont know if I will write smut again, it will depend on your feedback  
> it isnt somethign that I do much so please tell me what you think
> 
> thank you for your kudos, comments and your time

You woke up slowly. It felt like you were still in a dream, a very hazy slow and blurry dream but your eyes opened slowly and you realized that you were back to your cell. You would never think that you would feel safe in a cell but you did. You noticed that there was something heavy on your right side and you turned your head to look. Mikey was there holding tight your shirt and resting his head on your belly.   You smiled sweetly at the child and held him closer. You closed your eyes once more but before you could sleep you heard his voice whisper your name. it was so cute and funny how his voice was when he was half asleep.

“What is it dear?” you asked

“You are awake?” he asked back astonished. When you processed his words you remembered what had happened. The weird thing was that you didn’t feel any pain. You raised your hand to your eye, where you were sure that there would be a bruise but no matter how hard you touched it you couldn’t feel any pain. It was a bit weird but you couldn’t focus on that now. You would lose your mind if you dwelled on everything that happened in that damned room. You just hoped that the avengers would find you soon and then you would do a full check up. Although that hope seemed to vanish with every minute that passed in that hellhole. 

“How long have I been sleeping?” you asked Mike

“You missed five meals.  I was scared that you… you wouldn’t wake up…”

“No baby! Don’t ever think that! We are buddies right? I will always come back for you, I’ll never leave you alone. I promise you that” you said and hugged him. You knew he was on the verge of tears just like you knew that he was extremely scared of being alone. It was normal for a little boy at his age. He needed a mother, a father, a family.  You still didn’t know why he was there. Every time you approached the subject he would cry so after a couple of tries you stopped asking. 

You got up and you felt stronger than you thought you would feel.  You hadn’t eaten in for a day and a half and you just came back from surgery and a beating. You felt really strong considering the situation. You drank some water from the bathroom sink and walked back. You hoped the food would arrive soon because you were starving. 

When the guard came in with the two trays he looked at you and smiled. It wasn’t a reassuring smile though. It was a smile that told you that you would be in real trouble real soon… 

Your thought couldn’t be more accurate when four meals later they came in and took you away again. This time though they were gentler. You were guided to another room, bigger than your previous one and there was a note on the bed

_Aren’t you a strong girl_

_We will find out just how strong you are_

_I suggest a shower and a change of clothes_

_Don’t worry, I have everything you’ll need in the bathroom_

_-J_

It was weird and creepy but you walked to the bathroom anyway. There you found a white dress with black flowers on in and no underwear. That was even weirder. As if you weren’t scared before, you heard the door of the bathroom lock and suddenly you found yourself having no idea what to do.  You searched for a window or even a crack on the wall, something to help you escape but to no avail. You decided to take a shower. There didn’t seem to be any cameras there so you undressed and stepped in. the products that you would use were lined up and last you noticed a shaving kit. You eyed it suspiciously but you gave in to the temptation.  When you got out all of your clothes were missing and the door was unlocked. You put on the dress; after all it was the only thing to cover you and you walked out.  Opposite of the bathroom was the bed. It was bigger that you last and more comfortable.  You sat there facing the bathroom door.  Then you noticed a blinking red light. Was that a camera? You thought in horror. 

“(Y/F/N)! Long time no see!” came a familiar voice and you turned your head quickly towards the door

“Jackie..?” you managed to coax. This couldn’t be happening…

“What is it? You thought that you could lie to your family, lie to me, abandon us to go to them and have no consequences? Oh dear… you are still too naïve for your own good” she was smiling smugly and you could feel anger boiling inside you.  You remembered Natasha’s lessons though, and you didn’t act on your rage.

“What are you doing here?” you asked trying to show no emotion in your voice.  Natasha had given you lessons and now was the time to prove yourself

“What am I doing here? What am I doing here?” she asked like it was the most stupid question she had ever heard “tsk… tsk… little girl, you moved to the big city and you think you got yourself a career? You think you are the only on with a bright future? You allied with the wrong people kid! You always did! HYDRA formed our past and present and now we will conquer the future as well. Losing the winter soldier was a minor setback but now, now thanks to you!” she said pointing to you dramatically “we have him back!” she was so smug about this and maybe you could turn it against her

“You couldn’t do this alone... You weren’t alone… was it him? Did he help you?”

“Always underestimating me… I did it alone because I am capable of tracking a pathetic human like yourself. Your are not that unpredictable… in fact you are pretty boring… your stepfather and uncle were more than gad to give us some intel… it did cost us a little but it was all worth it”

“How did you even find out?”

“You may work for Tony Stark but you are not him. Your computer security sucks! All the cute photos that you took with him… crushing much (Y/F/N)? What makes you think that he would ever look at you? A man like him…” she said and as if on cue he walked in the room in full winter soldier gear. He even had the mask and the goggles on.  He looked so hot… and intimidating. You didn’t know which was worse at that time

“Bucky!” you pleaded and moved to him but Jackie caught you and pushed you back

“He doesn’t answer to that anymore” she said with a smirk

“You always sucked at finding guys to date you but I never thought that you needed to brainwash them” you said your anger finally hitting the surface. So much for Natasha’s lessons… Jackie moved forward and slapped you hard across the face.  The weird thing was that even though your head moved from the force of the hit you didn’t feel any pain. You were too angry and shocked that the nerves in your body seemed too have seized working after being so tense for so long. After that she said ‘have fun’ to Bucky and walked out. When the door was closed Bucky started walking slowly towards you. As he took a step forward you took a step back.  Your plan was working perfectly fine until you reached a wall. You were pleading and calling his name but he didn’t react.  E was definitely intimidating now. Once he was centimeters away from you he raised his hand and as you prepared yourself for the impact you felt him touching gently the side of your face. It was weird and comforting. Until he grabbed your hair and tugged backwards exposing your throat. He moved his masked face along your neck and when he reached your ear you almost couldn’t believe what was happening

“Doll it’s me. Bucky” he whispered.   You thought that you were dreaming.  You wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. It was a good thing that he had trapped you on the wall next to the bed so the camera only saw his back and not your facial expressions.

“Don’t do this. Stay scared. I’ll get us out.” Your survival instincts kicked in and you complied immediately.  “I… I have to do this… they are testing me… breaking you… I am sorry…” he whispered and you were glad that he had the mask on so that no one would she him talk. His voice was barely audible and if you hadn’t gotten used to it by the numerous nightmares that he had narrated at this volume because he was scared and embarrassed you wouldn’t be able to hear him either.  You blinked to state your understanding.  He raised his metal arms and tore the top of your dress open exposing your breasts.

“Bucky please stop” you begged mostly for show

“Doll, please believe me… it me… I’m sorry…” he said as he put his metal hand on your throat hard enough to keep you there but soft enough so that you weren’t hurting... much. His flesh hand was exploring your breasts and pinching experimentally your nipples. You felt yourself getting wetter by the second but you couldn’t really enjoy this due to his constant apologies.

“Bucky stop!” you shouted when you actually wanted to tear his mask off and make him suck on your nipples and not only. You knew though that the mask had to stay in. he needed to talk to you and they couldn’t know.  He growled staying in character and pulled your hair harder.

“I am sorry doll. I wish I could do this properly… ” at this angle your face was covered completely by his and you whispered three words that seemed to spike his interest

“I want this”

At these words he started grinding his hips against you and you found his delightfully hard. He pushed you down by the shoulders and you acted like you didn’t want desperately to take him in your mouth, savour his taste and suck his until he came in your mouth. Once you were on your knees he took your hand and guided it to his clothed erection. No one would know that it was you who grabbed him hard and stroked him through his cargo pants and his hand was only following your movements.  Finally he unzipped his pants and freed his cock from its confides.  It was a good thing that you were probably soaking by now because he was huge. You had to fight the strong urge of kissing the tip that was already leaking with pre cum.  He opened you mouth and guided your head to his cock. At first you kept your mouth shut, half for show, half to tease his but he was having none of it.  He growled angrily and opened your mouth pushing his cock inside you. He filled you completely and you let out a choked moan that he covered by thrusting in your mouth groaning in pleasure. You were gagging and you felt tears in the corner of your eyes but you couldn’t care less. Bucky was mercilessly fucking your mouth and you had never felt more turned on in your life.  The only sounds that were heard in the room were his moans and growls and your whimpers.  You hoped that whoever was behind those cameras had stopped looking but you tried not to think about it or you would have a mental breakdown.  When he slowed down a little bit you found the perfect opportunity to suck his as you had dreamt and ran your tongue around his head and his slit.  His shouts went straight to your painfully ignored clit and he trusted harshly inside you a couple of times before he came down your throat. You tried to take everything he was giving you but it was too much and some of his come spilled on your chin and breasts.  Bucky was panting above you and you noticed that he was stroking his cock already ready for round two. This had so much potential for future bedroom activities.  After a minute his breathing returned to normal and he was looking at you. Although you couldn’t see his eyes you were sure that he was feeling sorry.

“ ** _Please Bucky_** … **_please_** … remember who you are… it’s not too late… **_please_** ” you begged hoping that he would understand. And thankfully he did. He grabbed you again and threw you to the bed. You landed on your stomach and you looked sideways to see what he was doing. He took your hips and raised you in the in the air. His hands were holding you tight and you were sure that you were going to have bruises from his fingers. It was a good thing that he was steadying you though because when he slid his cock inside you, you felt all the air go out of the room and you gave in burying your face in the mattress.  When he pulled out of you completely and rammed back in you couldn’t help the scream that came out of your mouth. You didn’t care who was watching or listening, this felt too damn good!

Bucky kept pounding hard in and out of you, the slaps of his skin against yours were muffled by his moans and your whimpers. You were never this vocal during sex but then again, sex had never felt so good.  Steadily and rather quickly you felt yourself getting closer to the edge and all it took was for Bucky to grab and squeeze harshly you ass and a couple of thrust to make you come hard screaming his name.  As you rode your orgasm you felt that Bucky was still pounding in you and once you had regained some composure he turned you around and brought you over the edge of the bed. Even though you couldn’t see his face you knew that he was smirking and before you had the time to wonder why he had brought your legs around his waist and slid inside you once more. The change in the position made his cock reach deeper in your pussy than you thought possible and made you see stars. Your eyes rolled back as Bucky was relentlessly fucking you without showing any signs that he was close to coming. You on the other hand, feeling sensitive from your previous orgasm and from the way that Bucky was hammering your g spot, felt your pussy tighten again and you knew that you were close. You managed to stammer his name but he just growled in response and doubled his efforts.  Seconds later you were milking his cock, your body needing his seed inside you.

You had lost count of how many times you came when he finally reached his peak and emptied himself inside you.   You were a filthy mess of tangled hair, sweat and come, both yours and Bucky’s.  While you could feel him getting ready for another round you slipped away and ran for the bathroom. He caught up to you though and pinned you to the door, his front to your back. The good thing was that you were under the camera so no one could see you conversing. 

“When I go count to 10 and leave. Follow me and we will get out. You need to trust me. Are you alright?” he asked, concern clear in his voice

“Just need to breathe.” You managed to say. He was holding you close, supporting your weight while he was drawing circles with his hands to your sides. It was as much of a cuddling that you were going to take “I wish I could have done this right…I’m sorry doll…” he said but before you could answer him he was grabbing your hair and trying to push himself inside you again. In a matter of seconds the door slammed open and Jackie walked in.  When he saw her he abandoned you and you almost fell on the floor. 

“that is enough Soldier” she commanded even though he had already stopped/ her need to confirm that she was in charge was getting to your nerves and if you weren’t in post orgasmic haze you would have said something. But maybe another time… you felt so cold and empty without him by your side but you knew that you couldn’t jump on him and cuddle him for endless hours.  “Let’s not waste any more of this on her, right?” she said cupping his erection.  You prided yourself on not being a jealous person but at that moment you wanted to pull her eyes out with your fingernails.  “Follow me” she said without glancing at you.  As they left the room you were alone with your thoughts.  You felt like that little girl from junior high who was teased and made fun of, a little girl who didn’t know who she was and you felt all the self consciousness that you had locked in a dark place in your mind breaking free.  But there was no time for self pity. You needed to count to ten.

_One…_


	11. The road to hell...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone!  
> thank you so much for the comments and the kudos!!!  
> your support keeps me going so please, never hesitate telling me what you think of my work!
> 
> PS.: I should really stop uploading at 5 in the morning! My sleep schedule is seriously messed up! :P

He had told you to count to 10 but before you reached seven the door clicked open and the red light stopped blinking. Without hesitating you rushed outside. Two guards were on the floor hopefully just unconscious.  You swiftly took their weapons and followed the sound of footsteps on your left.  You saw Bucky’s and Jackie’s backs enter a room and thankfully the left the door ajar.  When they were in you saw Bucky back to the bed and Jackie laying on top of him.  She was caressing his chest and he moaned. It was low and sensual unlike his groans when he was taking you. You felt a sting in your chest and waited. When she was sucking on his neck you silently walked in the room. Bucky tangled his hand in her hair and pulled her closer to him.  As quietly you could you walked behind her. When you reached the bed you walked to the side and raised your gun to her head, your hand surprisingly steady

“Show’s over” you said and she turned to look at you with wide eyes. Before she had a chance to recover you punched her in the face with all you got.  When she hit the ground Bucky shot up from the bed and held her body down, covering her mouth.  You looked around and found her gun that had a silencer attached to it. Before you had time to think about your actions you took aim and planted a bullet between her eyes.  When you realized what had happened you froze. No thoughts were going through your head, no emotions ran through your body and your limps felt extremely numb.  Everything was a blur. Bucky made himself presentable and threw a coat over your half torn dress.  You heard Bucky’s voice in the background saying some things like ‘what the hell took you so long’ or ‘are you going to move’ but it was too far away. He shoved you out of the room and led you through the surprisingly empty corridors. When you saw three guards Bucky took them out swiftly making no sound. Or so you thought.  You continued running following Bucky wherever he took you. Suddenly he stopped in front of a door and opened it quickly

“Are you alright doctor?” he asked a woman, putting his hands on each side of her head. Your stomach turned at the sight. You were so sucked in the scene in front of you and what could it mean that you only noticed Michael when he hugged you

“Are we leaving now?” he whispered looking up at you.  Then you realized that this was bigger than you, you needed to take care of this little boy and there was no time for anything else. 

“We need to leave, right now!” Bucky said and started running once more. Adrenaline took over and the strong responsibility of that young life so you ran as fast as you could.  You could tell that Bucky was holding back, he was after all a super soldier and the tree of you couldn’t run as fast as him but Mikey was really slowing you down.  Before you could think twice about it Bucky took him on his shoulders and ran.  When you reached a door Bucky put a code and it opened. And just like that you were out. It felt too simple to be true. He hijacked a car and you sat at the front seat, leaving Mickey and that doctor sit behind. Bucky took the wheel and he sped off in the forest that was on front of you.  The ride was silent. It felt like a single word would make a bomb go off in the car.  When you were in what you assumed a safe distance from the base Bucky got out of the car and did something with some controllers that you didn’t really understand. 

“I am (Y/F/N)” you said to the doctor “Bucky’s… friend” you said lowering your head when images of only hours ago flooded your mind. 

“I am doctor Sarah Reynolds. I operated you.  Bucky… he cares a lot about you…”

“I can see that!” you said sarcastically. You still couldn’t get over the fact that seconds after he was done with you he was moaning for another woman like it didn’t mean anything. Like he told you those things only to get to you.  You stomach turned but there was no time for that now. You looked at Bucky from the rearview mirror and then an explosion was heard somewhere far, probably the base.   Mikey was scared, you could feel that, but you couldn’t comfort him. Not when you smelled like that and felt dirty with every sense of the word.  Your heard ached and you decided to go check on Bucky. When you opened the door he was under the car, searching for something

“Get back in the car!” he barked when he saw you outside and you didn’t hesitate for a second. You went back inside in the blink of an eye, your heart beating like crazy from fear. 

“What happened?” the doctor asked and you were too scared to answer. This was the man that you had told Mickey that was coming to save you? That was the man you had fallen in love with? How did you read him so wrong? The child was glued to the door of the car silent and on the verge of tears

“Would you mind if I sit in the back with you guys?” you asked sheepishly. They shook their heads and you sat next to the doctor away from Mickey. You fidgeted with the edge of your dress –or what was left of it anyway- and Bucky’s words played in a loop in your head _‘I wish I could do this properly’_ _‘I wish I could have done this right’_ why did he do this? Why did he have to humiliate you like this? And it wasn’t just Jackie! No! That damned doctor whom he touched so tenderly. Why did he care about her? Why could he spend some time to ask you if you were ok after you just killed someone? Why didn’t he care? Your eyes stung and you felt a tear drop from your face

“Hey…” she said “I know it’s not ok but it will be… I know what they did to you. You have nothing to be ashamed of…” if you weren’t too busy hating her right now, maybe you would have liked her.  Bucky walked in the car and noticed how you had changed seats.  Your eyes met in the rearview mirror and you felt your blood freeze in your veins. You didn’t take the time to read him. It didn’t matter anyway.  He sped off making the three of you grasp anything that was in front of you to steady your selves.  He turned the car around and kept on driving. Soon you saw smoke around and smelled a fire. The base must have been close. The ride went on for hours and hours and you had no idea what time it was when you finally reached a house.  You could see a town not very far but Bucky took you there and opened with a code.  You woke Mikey up and guided him in.

“HYDRA’s safehouse. Or SHIELD’s. It doesn’t matter anymore.” Bucky said to no one in particular “I will communicate with the others”

“I will get cleaned up” you hurried to say, handing Mikey over to the doctor. Bucky froze in his place for a second and then kept walking. 

“And I will find something to cook!” doctor R. said with a huge fake smile, trying to lighten the atmosphere.  You rushed in the bathroom not really caring for anything than taking off your body anything that reminded you of him. 

When you found the bathroom, you took some sweatpants and a hoodie with SHIELD’s logo on it.  Once you locked the bathroom door you fell on the floor and let the tears that were begging to be released. You muffled your sobs with a towel hoping that no one would ever know.  Thankfully there was plenty of warm water and you hoped that it could burn the remains of the day off your body.  You had no idea how long you were in there but your skin had turned a sickening red color and your fingernails had weakened too much from the excessive time you had spent in the water. You walked out of the shower and wrapped the towel around you. Cleaning the mirror with your hand you took a good look of yourself.  It was nothing like the gorgeous women that you saw coming out of the shower, with their sexy wet hair and flawless skin. You could see some marks from where you had acne in your teenage years and your eyes were decorated by two huge and hideous dark circles. Of course he didn’t want you. You admired his acting skills and you wondered how he even managed to fuck you.  You also remembered all the night he had spent in your arms, crying or the times he preferred to hang out with you instead of anyone else.  Had that been an act as well? Had he just used you and now, now that he was fine he didn’t want anything from you? She was prettier.  They would be good together. Maybe you were never meant to be the girlfriend, the one who gets the guy in the end. Maybe you were always doomed to stay ‘the friend’ or worse: ‘the help’. You never coached his like as you jokingly said in the beginning. You were just a tool to help him get back in the world. You were nothing. This time it was easier to turn around and empty your stomach to the toilet seat next to you. You felt dizzy after but a little better none the less.  You rinsed your mouth with some water, took a few deep breaths and walked out.  You could do this. You could face them.

It was a sight to behold. Doctor R. had her back on the kitchen counter and Bucky was whispering things to her. He was closer to her than he had ever been with you while talking.   You didn’t react to this you just turned back in the bathroom and emptied the rest of your stomach in it. Before you had the time to wash your mouth you heard a door slam.  Had you irritated him? Had you interrupted their moment and made him angry? You felt scared for the first time since you met him. It sucked.

You left the bathroom once more and found the doctor with her head in her hands. You tried to be quiet and leave the room without being seen but the creak on the floor didn’t let you do that. 

“(Y/F/N)! Hey! How are you heeling?” she asked with a sad smile on her face. You didn’t bother to pretend so you just shrugged

“Michael is sleeping. There is another bed that you and Bucky could share for the night. The avengers will be here in the morning. We only have four or five hours of sleep but still…”

“I will sleep you Michael. You sleep with Bucky” you spit out. She didn’t have time to respond when you left the room and searched for Mikey.  When you found him sleeping soundly, hugging a pillow like a teddy bear, you smiled despite your condition. 

“Mommy..?” he asked half asleep

“Hey baby… it’s me, (Y/F/N)” he held his little arms out for you and you happily hugged him. You wished you could do that before but you didn’t feel comfortable being around him while you were like... well like that… he had surprised you and hugged you back at the base but you hoped that he couldn’t tell what had happened. Then again, he couldn’t know what had happened. He was just a kid after all.  Still, it didn’t feel right. You moved him over and you slept next to him.

 

You woke up with a slight buzz in your head and feeling tired. It was like you hadn’t slept at all.  You moved silently away from Mikey and made your way to the living room. There you found doctor R. sipping some coffee on the couch. When she heard your footsteps she turned around. She didn’t look much better.

“Good morning” she said smiling faintly

“What time is it?” you asked rubbing the sleep off your eyes

“A quarter to seven. Do you want some coffee?” you nodded missing the sweet caffeine in your system.

“So…” she said while she was pouring you coffee “about last night…”

“Can you tell me about the operation?” you cut her off, not really wanting to know about how they spent their night

“The… operation… yeah… sure” she said sitting down next to you and handing you the coffee. You nodded your thanks and let her continue “I don’t know all the details to it. It was kind of strange. I have performed the same surgery to many people yet you are the only one who survived. First of all I took some of your blood. Quite much of it actually. Then the transplants begun. Are you sure you want to hear more?” you nodded. It didn’t make you sick. It was just medical stuff. What had happened after that though… that was gut-turning “I took the organs, one by one out and gave them to some goons they had in the room.  They took them to gods-know-where and gave them back to me. I was praying all the time and talking to you, hoping you could make it. When I put them back they were… well, not like a baby’s, they were fully developed but you can say that they are… brand new… Before the surgery, while you were out, you were repeating Michael’s and Bucky’s names, how you needed to save them, protect them. Then it was when we found out about the kid…”

“We?” you asked raisin your eyebrow

“When Bucky came to me, he wasn’t brainwashed. We came up with a plan, to trick them to believe that he was so he would have control. His only goal was to get you out. I... well, let’s say that I wasn’t willingly there. I needed help to get out. He had mutual interest. When I told him how much you cared about the kid, we decided to take him with us. (Y/F/N), Bucky really cares… please”

You didn’t let her finish her sentence for the second time that morning. You walked to the door and as you reached for the handle it opened and a broad chest appeared before you. You looked up to lock eyes with a frowning Bucky. _Great!_ You thought.

“Get the kid. We are leaving” he said looking at both of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank germancutie88 and sassy for the inspiration about Jackie!  
> hope you liked it babies!! :)


	12. Coming Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone!  
> Sorry it took a while to upload this!  
> Some angst, some feels and things are getting a liiittle better between the reader and Bucky  
> Or maybe not....
> 
> Thank you so much for your kudos and comments!  
> You have no idea how happy you are making me!

The Avengers. They were finally here! You could go home now…

You turned away from Bucky and went to see Mikey. The child was still peacefully asleep, looking better than any time that you had seen him.  You knew that he was still scared, you knew that he didn’t trust Bucky (he didn’t give him the best impression so…) and you knew that he wouldn’t tell you anything about his life or parents. But you also knew that you wouldn’t abandon him. He was your responsibility now, a responsibility that you happily took.

“Wake up baby…” you cooed “we are going home” he opened his eyes and you smiled

“Yes… avenger’s tower” he opened his eyes wide and gasped

“With the avengers?”

“They do live there…” you laughed “come on, let’s go outside and meet them”

When you re-entered the living room with Mickey in tow you saw Natasha and Steve talking to doctor R. and Bucky.  When they noticed you Natasha hugged you so tightly that you had to remind her that you needed air to breathe and continue living. She relaxed her death grip but didn’t let you go

“I was so worried” she whispered “I am so sorry that you had to go through this. So sorry”

“You have nothing to be sorry about. I am just glad that you came for us.”

“Of course we did silly! And you are?” she asked smiling looking at Mikey

“Black widow!” he exclaimed in awe. Natasha and you both laughed

“His name is Michael, he will stay with us for a while if that’s alright…” you explained

“If you can get stark to agree…” Steve said smiling giving you a hug as well. The look of adoration on Michael’s face reminded you of how you had to suppress your inner fangirl when you met the avengers.  Only he wouldn’t have to.

“Captain America!” he snickered and Steve took him to the plane “is it the plane you take for missions?” he asked

“No… Tony wanted you to be… a little more comfortable” when you peaked outside you didn’t see the familiar black quinjet that the avengers took for missions but Tony’s personal jet

“So… is everything alright?” Natasha asked you as you walked towards the jet “Barnes looks like shit”

“I really don’t want to talk about it” you dismissed her and took in the inside of the jet. White leather seats formed quarters and the tables between them were filled with any kind of food you could imagine. You didn’t have a proper mean in what seemed like ages but that thought of putting something in your stomach made you sick.  Bucky was sitting alone in one the quarters near the cockpit, Steve was sitting with doctor R and Mickey in the middle, eating and sharing stories that seemed to amuse the little kid and Natasha went to check the systems. You decided for a spot in the back of the plane so you could be alone.

“Would you like something to eat?” Steve said motioning for you to sit with them

“I will just sleep for a while if that’s ok…” you replied with a smile and moved to a seat that hid you from the others. You looked at the first rays of sun that warmed the earth when you noticed a dark silhouette next to you. You turned your head and saw Bucky standing there. 

“I came… to say... I’m sorry…” he said and you were too mentally and physically exhausted to understand if he was being shy, cold, distant or embarrassed. At this point though, you didn’t care. 

“For what?” was all you managed to coax

“The car” he mumbled and left, almost running. Before you had the time to understand what had happened, Mickey came and sat next to you yawning

“Can I sleep here?” he asked

“You don’t have to ask dear” you said and he laid his head on your shoulder. A few minutes later you were soaring in the clouds. You had no idea where you were being held and you didn’t want to know. You only wanted to leave all this behind you and never think of anything that happened in that damned base.  Natasha must have put the jet on autopilot because she came and sat on the seat opposite of you

“Cap and the doctor are really hitting it off” she said smiling. You simply nodded and looked out of the window. You were really tired and the last thing that you needed was being reminded of all this

“How long have we been…” you trailed off

“Six days” Natasha replied automatically

“When we get back, I have a favor to ask you”

“Anything baby, anything at all” she said smiling. You smiled back.

“So, what did I miss? Is everything alright with Annie?”

“Annie?” Natasha asked

“The dog I left for Clint to look out” you saw all the color drain from Natasha’s face and her eyes go wide

“Baby… she… we did everything we could… we wanted you to find her there…”

“What happened to my dog Natasha?” you asked terrified

“I am sorry (Y/F/N). Annie had some tumors that were too big and she was too old for a cure… she wouldn’t survive the surgery anyway…”

You could feel your insides turn once more. Was that why you had brought her home? Was that the only thing you could do for her? Your vision turned a bit blurry and before you knew it Natasha was gently slapping your cheeks to keep you awake.  You couldn’t deal with this. Your heart was beating faster and breathing was so hard. Steve’s and Nat’s concerned faces hovering above you and Mickey’s shouting. A couple of seconds later and since everyone stepped away from you, you managed to calm down.  Steve took Mikey and said that he would take care of him. Natasha sat next to you and held your hand.

“Baby…?” she asked cautiously “what happened to you over there?”

“I… I don’t… I can’t talk about it”

“(Y/F/N)..?”

“They did it Nat. they won. They broke me”

“Don’t talk like that. You are here, you are strong. Yes, you are shaken and it will take you some time to recover but this doesn’t mean…”

“I killed someone” you said and although you wanted to scream and take everything out of your chest, you weren’t strong enough for something like that. Your voice was just above a whisper, devastated, shaken, unsure and weak

“(Y/F/N)… please, tell me what happened to you… it really helps… trust me, I know that kind of stuff”

“I need to sleep. Please let me sleep” you pleaded and she silently moved away. Before you closed your eyes you were almost sure that someone else but you were too tired and your eyelids were too heavy to see who it was. You just wanted to sleep. 

You didn’t wake up until you felt that plane land. You were alone in the quarter but you felt warm. You shook off that feeling and headed to the exit. You walked in the avenger’s tower smelling the fresh air and feeling the cool air surround you. You had never felt more free in your life than this very moment, than the walk from the jet to the living room of the tower. 

Steve held Michael in his arms and Natasha was walking behind you, having your back.  Bucky and the doctor had already got in. 

“There is going to be a debriefing” Steve said when everyone was gathered to the otherwise empty room “but today get some rest and we will talk tomorrow. Where do I give this?” he asked showing the child in his arms terrified. You smiled weakly and motioned for him to follow you. You lay Mikey on the bed and climbed next to him.  Sleep took you easily and when you woke up again the sun was setting.  Michael was still soundly asleep and you kissed his forehead before heading out. You asked Jarvis to notify you when he woke up and you walked to the kitchen. There was everyone but before you had the chance to look at them properly you were swept away by strong arms

“Pumpkin!” he said when he put you down “they didn’t let me come with them and pick you up!  I am so sorry kid! So, so sorry!” he babbled

“Well, you did overwork yourself, trying to find her and you did pass out from exhaustion so…” Natasha commented

“You did what? Anthony Edward Stark what have I told you about working hours to no end? Do I have to” you didn’t get to finish your sentence because he took you in his arms again

“You little annoying shit will you ever shut up and be happy that you are home?” he said with a smile

“I hate you old man, you know that?” you said smiling and holding him close. A couple of tears fell from your eyes but no one said a thing

“We have pizzas and I saved some for you” Steve piped up

“Thank you dear but I am not hungry” you dismissed him

“You haven’t eaten anything all day…” he noted sadly.  At that Natasha stood up and grabbed your arm. She led you to her room without a word and felt your arms go numb.

“You are going to tell me what’s wrong and you are going to do it over eating” she said while rummaging the cupboards in her room presenting you instant noodles and a bottle of wine “and drinking” she added

“I don’t feel like drinking Naaaat” you whined. You had no idea how the first bottle got emptied so soon or when she pulled out a second and then a third bottle of wine. You also had no idea when you started purring your heart out, telling her how Bucky implied that he cared about you when he was sent to rape you, how you killed your best friend who wasn’t your best friend and seduced Bucky as well, how he trusted that stupid doctor more than you and how rude he was to you after the incident.  Most importantly though, you had no idea when the tears started falling and the sobs started shaking your body.  But it wasn’t all bad. It felt liberating, like a weight had been lifted from your shoulder.  You slept at Natasha’s bed that night and in the morning tony gave both of you a pill that he had developed for hangovers. He was after all the expert for that kind of stuff. 

“(Y/F/N), we need to talk about the kid you have with you” tiny stated seriously “who is he? Why was he there?”

“JARVIS?” you asked the AI “is Michael still sleeping?”

“He appears to be awakening miss”

“When he does notify me” you said sternly “I seriously don’t know guys… whenever I ask he starts crying and I can’t stand him crying…” you knew that eventually you would need to ask him but you were going to postpone it as much as you could

“Miss (Y/L/N)” came the AI’s voice “Michael is awake”

“Ask him (Y/F/N). You are the only one that he will talk to” Tony said. You looked down. You knew that it was the right thing to do. His parents were probably worrying sick about him  
  


“Tell him to wait for me in the room and I’ll be there in a few” you didn’t wait for the AI’s reply and you ran to the kitchen as you were preparing some things for him to eat. Then you heard rather than saw someone entering the kitchen. When you turned around you saw Bucky standing awkwardly on the door. When your eyes locked he looked away immediately. You turned your back at him and continued fixing the food  
  


“You can’t even look at me now?” you asked angrily

“I am not the one who vomits at the sight of you” he countered

“Well, the whole scene was too sweet for me, I couldn’t help myself” you said your voice dripping with venom

“What is that supposed to mean?” he asked stepping into the room

“None of your business Barnes”

“What do you mean none of my business?” he said as he walked behind you, turning you to face him “I thought that you were alright with this… you said…”

“Are we talking about what I said? Because you said some things too”

“I never wanted to make love to you like this! Don’t do this to me! I want… I want at least my friend back…”  
  


_‘make love’, ’friend’_? What the hell is wrong with this guy? You opened your mouth to reply but Michael stepped in the middle. 

“Leave my mom alone!” he said sternly, which, considering that his age hadn’t reached double digits, was kind of funny. Bucky did let you go and took a step back. You were stunned at his choice of words and given your condition you turned to the audience that had gathered outside of the door.

“Michael go outside” you said with the calmest voice you could master

“But…” he protested but before he had time to say anything more, Tony stepped in

“Hey child who I know nothing about! How about you follow the invincible Ironman in the living room? ” he said taking Mikey by the hand. 

“You need me?” you said angrily at Bucky once Mickey was out of earshot “I am not your friend and I don’t want to be your friend! You made me believe that we… that this… you used me Barnes! You were into that HYDRA scum right after you finished with me and then... then you and the doctor! Well you seem quite cozy don’t you? Congratulations! Have fun together! Just leave me out of this!” you practically scream and ran outside. He called your name but you didn’t look back. You had made a fool of yourself and you didn’t want to see him ever again.  
  


After all, you had something more important to take care of. 

 

 


	13. The next Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!
> 
> I hope that you didn’t have to wait thaaat long for this chapter...
> 
> I did not realise the trouble the previous one caused and I honestly apologise for all the feels!  
> Thank you for sticking with me and this story, your kudos and comments mean the world to me!
> 
> So, about this chapter: there isn’t much interaction between the reader and Bucky -so not that many feels-   
> There is some singing involved and the song that I had in mind is "never grow up" by Taylor Swift. Don’t worry though, any song would do 
> 
> I hope you enjoy   
> Please write to me in the comments what you thought about the chapter!  
> xoxo

You walked with a tray of food to your room. You ignored the looks from the avengers that had gathered outside of the kitchen and you were sure that they enjoyed the show. You asked JARVIS to inform Tony that you needed to talk with Michael and he brought him to you in less than a minute.  Everyone knew that Tony never really liked being around kids so just the fact that he willingly took Mickey even just for a few minutes, meant a lot to you.  Michael was standing next to Tony, looking down as if he had done something wrong and he would get reprimanded. Your heart ached for this child and you really loved him, that was just who you are. You saw a stray and you took it in. but this time we aren’t talking about a kitten. This child had a life before HYDRA. Parents; and even if they turned out to be bad, there are many qualified people who would take care of him.  There were many couples who couldn’t have kids, that would gladly call them their own. Not you who had only stumbled upon him and now he called you ‘mom’. Although it brought a warm feeling to your heart.

But you weren’t ready, no way, you weren’t mother material

“Hey baby” you said softly getting down to his level to meet his eyes “do you want to eat with me? I brought breakfast” not mother material. Sure. You were definitely screwed. Mickey shook his head and Tony took his cue to leave. “You must be hungry. You were sleeping all day yesterday. You hardly ate.” You tried to reason with him when you saw his teary eyes. You rushed to hug him and calm him down

“Will you leave me now?” he said between tears

“Baby, I told you that I won’t leave you. We just need to find your parents…”

“Why can’t you be my parents?” you smiled sadly at him and led him on the small table that you had set the food on. 

“I want to help you dear” you said giving him his milk “but I can’t do that if you don’t help me” you took a bite from your toast and your stomach rumbled in appreciation.     
“So…” you started as he drank the last of his milk. Usually, kids at his age threw tantrums in order to avoid drinking their morning milk but your poor baby had gone through so much… wait, what? ‘your’? You definitely needed to get him back to his parents before you got more attached to him. “I need you to be a strong boy for me and answer my questions. Can you do that?” you asked and he nodded hesitantly. You had a feeling that this wouldn’t go well. 

“Alright… let’s start with your age. You are…?”

“Seven” he replied proudly. You smiled and thought that you shouldn’t tell him how you thought that he was five or six when you first saw him.

“And how long have you been… held there?” you asked and saw his face fall.

“I… I don’t know…” he replied shyly

“It’s alright honey… this isn’t a test…” you smiled reassuringly “so you were seven before they took you?” he nodded “do you remember how old you were during the Battle of New York?” you asked hoping that you could determine his current age by his age then

“I... I don’t know… I remember the biiiig dinosaur things in the sky…” he said emphasizing his words by spreading his little hands as far as they could go “and iron was like pew and the dinosaur went boom and my mommy and daddy got me posters and captain America’s shield!” you could see that he behind all that enthusiasm he was starting to get distressed and knowing what a sensitive subject his parents were, you gave him some fruits to eat and asked another question

“Do you know why they held you there?” at that his breathing became erratic and he wouldn’t meet your eyes “baby?” you asked trying to get his attention

“I… I do bad things… I am bad…” he said as if he was taught to say that

“Honey, I know how bad people are. You are not bad…”

“Like the man with the weird arm?” he asked hesitantly

“No dear…” _like me_ you thought but didn’t say anything

“But he was mean to you and you cried…”

“I know he was but he was held by the bad people and he is still trying to get better” you tried to justify him.  You weren’t going to vent to a seven-year-old with PTSD. He had gone through way more than any kid his age should. He had to know the sugar coated version.  “Why do you say that you are bad? “

“They told me… I did… bad… I hurt mommy and daddy… they… they dead…” he said while sobbing again. You were too stunned to react. How could this angel have hurt anyone, more so his own parents? His cries, that had intensified brought you out of your trance. You moved him on your lap and held him close to your chest and kissed his temple, now drenched with sweat from the force of his tears. His whole face was burning up.  This child was no murderer, that was for sure

“Do... do you… hate me?” he asked sniffing his nose

“I don’t hate you baby… I just need you to be brave and tell me exactly what happened” you said but when you saw that his cries didn’t stop or slow down, you started singing softly to him, to help him calm down. When he finally stopped crying and snuggled in your chest you kissed his head and he closed his eyes

“Baby?” you whispered trying to prevent him from falling asleep and he mumbled something you couldn’t understand as a reply “what was that baby?” you asked again

“I do… electry” sounding unsure of the word that he had used. You tried to contain your giggles at this imaginary word that he had just made up

“What do you mean by that?” you tried to avoid repeating the word so that it wouldn’t stick. 

“Some time, when I touch things, the bzzzzz” he said, sounding more confident and more embarrassed. Your eyes went wide with this revelation. How could this even be possible?

“Do you want to show me?” you asked hesitantly

“NO!” he cried “I… I don’t want to hurt you…”

“Alright…” you said even more curious now “how about we go to a special room that Tony has built so that you won’t hurt anyone? I will be right outside, watching you” at this he looked at you horrified

“They… they said that… they told me to touch a box and make it bzz and mommy said it was ok and I didn’t see her and then it bzzzed and mommy and daddy screamed…” at that he was breathing with difficulty and suddenly his eyes rolled back and he fell on your arms

“JARVIS!” you screamed

“Pulse and breathing are regular, my reading say that he fainted due to excessive stress”

“WHAT DO I DO?”

“I would advise you to put him on the bed holding his legs up” you followed JARVIS’ instructions and a few seconds later (that seemed like an eternity) he re-opened his eyes

“Hey baby” you said relieved “you scared me there!” you said as you put his legs back down gently and went to get his some orange juice. He accepted without questions and you held him until he felt better. 

“Will you… send me away?” he asked scared

“Of course not baby, of course not…”  
  


* * *

 

  
When he felt strong enough to stand again, you guided him to the common area where everyone greeted you with an awkward smile. Thankfully Bucky wasn’t there.   You set up a movie for Mickey and you were more than relieved when Clint and Steve sat next to him to watch the movie.  When you made sure that he was comfortable you pulled Natasha to the side

“We need to talk” you said seriously

“All ears” she replied almost automatically

“We need to catch some bad guys…”

“…been there…”

“…save an innocent person…”

“…done that…”

“…and of course no one needs to know…”

“…my specialty…” she said with her usual smirk.

“What are you two talking about?” Clint said as he came up behind Natasha and wrapped his arms around her waist. Yes the two of them were close but never this much… oh… OH! You smiled knowingly but before you could say anything Natasha cut you off

“Were are going to go shopping” she said seriously

“Combat boots and ammo?” he asked smiling

“No, tutus and tiaras” she said sarcastically “(Y/F/N) needs to protect herself and I will train her accordingly”

“Alright, alright” he said seeming to believe her completely “I will watch over the kid, ok?” he asked you and you nodded before leaving the two of them alone and heading to the car.  As you waited for Natasha you instructed JARVIS to show footage of the conversation you had with Mickey to Tony and asked him not to say anything until you had tested him.  When Natasha slid in the driver’s seat you smirked

“Well, haven’t you been busy while I was gone…”

“Shut up” she said and it sounded like a warning

“I only have one thing to say…”

“Don’t you d…” she said smiling

 “TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH!”

“Where are we going?” she asked when you were done laughing. It was the first time that you had truly laughed since you came back.  But her question brought you back to reality.

“Home” you said seriously.    
  


* * *

  
You returned to the tower as the sun was setting.  Fury was there as Bruce informed you and he immediately talked with Natasha.  The others didn’t know that in the meantime you two had returned to your hometown and arrested your uncle and stepdad. They tried to resist but Natasha was having none of it. She took them out in a matter of seconds and they were both in a SHIELD run prison with other terrorists, aka HYDRA associates.  It was nice to see the people of the town looking at them in disgust and your aunt crying and wondering what had gone wrong in her apple-pie life.  You wanted to tell her how wrong her apple-pie life was in the first place but you didn’t have time for her.  You needed to find your mother.  Unlike all the previous times that you had asked, this time she immediately agreed to come and live in New York with you.  In a couple of days she would move in your old apartment that was now vacant.  When you asked Tony if you could return there he refused and didn’t leave any room for arguments. He wanted to keep you close so that he could keep you safe.  The one person that your eyes dwelled on was your little cousin who looked at you and Natasha like her heroes. You knew that she thought of the Black Widow as a role model so you made a mental note to get her to visit your cousin some time in the future or send her a present, preferably both. 

Bruce took you away from Fury and Natasha and explained to you that since you were a civilian and that Natasha knew the whole story, she and Steve would fill up for you so that you wouldn’t go through that experience.  Fury had suggested that you should see the SHIELD issued psychologist but that was up to you and you didn’t like that idea at all.  When Fury left the Tower he looked at you and you felt cold sweat run down your spine.  You had heard rumours about that man but meeting him in person was more intimidating as you thought.  However he nodded towards you with a hint of a shadow of a smile and left without a word.  You had to blink a couple of times to overcome the shock. 

Mickey was taken care of and it was nice to see the Avengers looking after a young boy with such enthusiasm. Tony and Bruce were showing off their labs and Clint offered to teach him archery. Mickey was excited about that but you refused without a second thought. He was fascinated with Steve’s stories about the war and the good captain seemed to never get tired of telling them.  Maybe he was feeling guilty of what you went through and he was trying to please you by taking care of your kid but you would never blame the kind-hearted soldier for something so horrible that was after all, out of his powers to prevent. 

That night you couldn’t sleep. You had slept off the physical exhaustion the previous day but now brain was overworking, bringing back memories and feeling of that experience. It didn’t help that you heard some strange noises from Bucky’s room. Muffled voices and tossing to be exact. Trying not to picture what was happening there, probably between Bucky and the doctor. You hoped that Mickey didn’t wake up to hear them.  As sleep wouldn’t come, you decided to go to the common room and watch a movie or make some tea or anything really. Before you entered the room though you heard familiar voices

“You are really passionate about those stories… no wonder the kid likes them so much…”

You weren’t exactly eavesdropping -alright you were but who cares, really?!- but you needed to make out the voices

“It is my time... What I know… ”

“And there is nothing tying you to this time?” the female voice asked. Could it be doctor R? You weren’t completely sure

“I am not with someone, if that’s what you are asking…” that voice was definitely Steve’s…

“I didn’t mean to sound too forward…”

“No... I… didn’t… I don’t want to… I didn’t mean…” frustrated Steve was the best Steve you thought trying to suppress your giggles. While you were trying to be silent the conversation stopped. You thought that they had made you so you walked in the room to seem casual about your presence as if you weren’t going to gossip the whole thing with Natasha… or Tony… or Clint… or Bruce…

The sight before your very eyes was completely unsettling and honestly it made Steve look a little less than a virgin national icon.  It was a rare occurrence to see Steve above a female making out passionately. Actually it was an one time deal. It had only happened this once.  Steve. On the couch. Doctor R below him, failing to suppress her moans as he sucked on her neck. You tried to clear your throat but it came out as a laugh instead. Steve blushed a crimson red that made the whole situation even funnier and he stood up immediately trying to save his and most importantly doctor R’s dignity. Because her honour was above anything else! God bless America! Those thought didn’t help your situation and tea and movie forgotten you erupted in loud laughter.

“Just, get a room next time!” you said as you walked out still laughing hard

 

Which only left one question: what was going on in Bucky’s room?

 


	14. What to do when you dont know the whole story: keep your mouth shut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone!
> 
> Thank you so much for your kudos and your comments!! you really have no idea how much they mean to me!!!!
> 
> about the story:
> 
> I have some extra things that could happen in the story and I wonder if you would be interested in continuing reading or should i wrap this up? I wonder if it is becoming tiring so I really need your opinion on the matter!
> 
> warnings: Language! :P 
> 
> as always I hope you enjoy the chapter and I cant wait for your feedback!

It was a weird week. You were balancing your time between your home and the tower.  Your mom had settled in pretty nicely and since she didn't have anything to do, she made it her mission to lecture you on everything that she could. How your furniture was dirty (-I haven’t been here for ages mom! - That is not an excuse young lady!) or how the dishwasher didn't do a good job and you should be washing the dishes by hand. On one hand you were getting frustrated by the constant nagging but on the other hand it was good to have your mom so close to you and her nagging was a nice reminder of your normal life, something that you didn't have before. 

The avengers of course found out a couple of days later.  It wasn’t easy to keep anything from them. Natasha was a great spy but still, Tony and Steve were watching every move you made so that they could protect you, Clint was as good as a spy as Natasha was and Tony told everything to Bruce who was a genius as well. They put two plus two together and since you could hide much from them, you told them about your mom, stepfather and uncle.  They were shocked -and a little impressed by how you handled it. They didn't know the details of the time that you were held captive, just that you were operated and that your best friend was responsible. You suspected that Bucky had told Steve everything but he was a gentleman about it and never brought it up. You could tell though, by the way that he was looking at you, that something was eating him. Your mom didn't know anything about you being held captive so when she was invited in the tower to get to know everyone they were instructed to not bring it up.  With the amount of foods that your mom made that day you were eating leftovers for a day and a half. She was told that Steve was eating a lot due to his serum so maybe she overdid it a bit…

You could say that your life was returning to normal. Tony and Bruce didn't find anything odd in your exams so they couldn’t say what they had done to you. They said that they were impressed by the state of your body and that you were almost as healthy as Steve but besides that nothing out of the ordinary. That was a relief. Mikey kept refusing to use his powers or to be tested even but Ironman himself (!) but you would get there.  He had gone through so much and it was a miracle how social he was with the avengers. 

Bucky you hadn’t seen. He was in his room and he rarely got out. Steve was the only one who got in and out of his room and every time he got out he was more depressed than when he got in. a couple of times you stood at your door to see how it went and Steve would look at you disappointed. You didn't know if he was disappointed in you or with Bucky’s condition but it hurt. The void he had left in your heart with his behavior was growing stronger with his absence. Being able to see him, yell at him and generally get your frustrations out made you feel better. You were angry at him, you wanted him to be honest with you and most of all you were confused. He wasn’t in love with the doctor, that much was obvious. You still didn't know and couldn’t understand why he treated you like this. During the day he was absent and not a sound could be heard from his room. The only exception was the times that Steve was there. Then the captain’s voice would either be raised in anger or in concern but after that you couldn’t hear a sound.  The nights were different though. You could hear his door open and close and when you asked JARVIS of Bucky’s location he would always say “the gym”. The times that he was indeed in his room the muffles noises and the tossing in his bed were a giveaway of his presence. One thing was for sure. He wasn’t sleeping. Even Mickey was wondering if he had left but you assured him that he was still there. You wished you could go in his room and ask him what was going on, why he was like this. You were angry that he was acting like he was the one hurting, like he was the one who had been mistreated, violated, yelled at and deceived.  It was hurting you to know that he was hurting and seeing Steve looking at you made you believe that he was blaming you for his condition

“Hey Steve” you greeted him when you entered the gym. Tony made you train regularly and although it did wonders to your figure, it was exhausting. Steve only nodded as a response and kept lifting his weights. You went to the treadmills and started your workout.  Steve used to make conversation with anyone who was in the gym, even when you were just their assistant and joined them in the gym for small talk, he would talk while he was working out. Now he was silent. 

“Anything new?” you asked trying to sound casual. When he didn't answer you tried again “so…?” at that Steve put the weights aside and stood up

“You want to know what’s new? Bucky having a mental breakdown because of you! That is new!” you surprised yourself with how calm you were that moment although anger boiled inside you. Yes, you were concerned about Bucky, yes, you cared but this was too much! He had been playing the victim for far too long! The worst was that you had no idea that Steve was mad at you. Yes he had been a little distant but you thought that he was angry that you had told everyone about his relationship with doctor R.

“Really?” you asked getting off the treadmill as well “did he tell you that he has a mental breakdown because of me? Did he also tell you how he used me and lied to me about wanting to have sex with me just because he needed to fuck me for show and didn't have the balls to tell it to my face? Did he tell you that when he finished with me he proceeded to fuck the HYDRA scum that pretended to be my best friend? Did he tell you that once he was done with me he was ignoring me and never -not once- asked me if I was ok? Did he tell you that he didn't even care how I was after I killed someone? Someone I knew my entire life? How he yelled at me when I tried to talk to him when we were leaving? Did he tell you any of this or am I the monster that treats everyone like shit just because I can? Is that what he has been telling?” you had never seen Steve look so ashamed before but he deserved it. What you didn't deserve was the audience in your outburst. Meaning that when you turned to leave you saw Tony, Clint and Natasha standing at the door. Great! 

Once you left the tower you went to your house to see your mother. You needed her and you were glad that she was there to comfort you. Maybe it was time for her to find out the truth about everything. When she saw how upset you were she made some hot coffee and you sat down to talk. Three cups of coffee later you had narrated how you met Bucky, how you felt and how everything went south.  You told her that you were being held captive and even though you didn't explicitly tell her what had happened she understood.  She was shocked but you expected worse. When you told her how thing were going in the tower since you came back she composed herself and focused on you and your story.

“I don’t think that he doesn’t care about you…” she concluded “you said yourself that you are concerned about him. He is clearly distressed. Captain America is angry at you because he thought that you would make him feel better and now he is worse. It is to be expected after what you both went through. I am not saying that he was right because he completely forgot about you but he isn’t in a better place.”

“What am I supposed to do moooom?” you asked

“This is up to you. But I advise you not to make up your mind before you let him completely explain to you what he feels.”

You always felt better after you talked to your mom.  Not having to hide what had happened to you made it all better. As you walked on the street, you breathed in the air of the city and you felt a little better. You felt dizzy but full of life and energy. It was weird but you paid it no mind.  When you returned to the tower Mickey ran in your arms and you span him around smiling. You had missed your little kid although you needed the talk with your mom.  Steve was in the doorway looking at you. When you let Mickey down and told him to wait for you in the kitchen Steve approached you

“Hey” he started and you nodded. _Oh how the tables have turned!_ “I am really sorry about… what happened… I didn't know… Bucky never said anything bad about you…. He is worse than I have ever seen him…”

“You know Steve, I am tired of thinking about how everyone feels and then no one caring about me. I wonder how it will be when I stop caring about everyone for real. And you really don’t want to see that side of me. So shut your pie hole next time until you have learnt the whole story.” You were mad at Steve but you were even angrier about how he made you lose control and have everyone find out about what happened.

“Bucky found out what happened. He... he was mad at me.  He said he would talk to you… if you’d have him…” you didn't bother answering and walked in the kitchen.  There was everyone, including Mickey and were ready to eat. Clint prepared a dish for you and you sat next to Tony.  He immediately put his arm around your shoulders and held you close to him

“You should have told us everything pumpkin” he whispered in your ear

“You have done more than enough Tony. I wish you would never find out about this…” you whispered back

“Ugh! I wish I could officially adopt you!” he said ruffling your hair like you were a five-year-old “can we adopt her Peps?” he said to Pepper who was also there. It was weird to see her there and not be the one who arranged her arrival.  You would have to talk to Tony about this later. 

“No Tony we can’t adopt her!” she scolded him and smiled at you

“Whyyy?” he whined “we could built her a crib and bottle feed her and give her buy her lots of teddy bears!” he kept on

“But daaaaad….” You played along “I am a big girl now! I want my own room! Where am I supposed to bring my boyfriends?” at that a crack was heard and you saw Bucky leaning on the door, grabbing it with so much force that it gave away. But that was the least of your concerns. His hair was sticking on his sweaty face, his eyes were red with dark circles and he seemed like he didn't have the strength to stand in his own feet. You had never seen him so pale or so weak. He was staring at nowhere and his hand was trembling. Before you had the chance to say anything his legs gave out and he fell on the floor.

“BUCKY!” You and Steve shouted simultaneously and rushed to him. His eyes were closed and you were gently hit his face, trying to wake him up

“Please give him space to breathe and get him to the infirmary now!” doctor R. said sternly and everyone obeyed.  You felt your own hands tremble and you stayed on the ground, next to where he was moments ago.  Mickey walked to you and you enveloped him in your arms

“Is he going to be ok mommy?” he asked

“I don’t know dear” you said trying to contain your tears and failing “I don’t know…”

 


	15. Sweet Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!!!!
> 
> sooo... here it is!!!!
> 
> I am so terribly sorry for the long wait!
> 
> since I am on family vacation and I don't have my laptop with me it was really difficult to write this!
> 
> The next one will probably be up on Friday. that is the soonest I can make it... 
> 
> my sincere apologies and I hope you enjoy this chapter (I can guarantee that I toned down the angst!)
> 
> Thank you so much for your kudos and comments and I cant wait to see what you thought of this!!!
> 
> xoxo

When you felt more certain for yourself, you stood up and led Mickey to his room. Everyone had left the kitchen and followed Bucky to the infirmary so dinner was probably over. After you made sure that he didn’t want a sandwich or anything at all you decided that it was time to put him to bed. He, however, had other plans

“Why can’t I go see how he is doing? I want to see what’s wrong with him!”

“That is for mommy to worry about! You need to sleep” you said sternly as you tucked him to bed. He didn’t argue so you kissed his forehead wished him goodnight and walked out. You needed to go see Bucky but you were for some reason afraid to go there while everyone else was. You sat on your living room, trying to read a book but your mind refused to register the words and nothing seemed to make sense. Frustrated you closed it and asked JARVIS how was Bucky.

“Mr. Barnes, according to doctor Reynolds assessment, is malnourished, dehydrated and insomniac. She estimates that he hasn’t slept for more than 72 hours and his condition is close to critical. His enhanced metabolism was worsened his case but his immunological system has helped him regenerate his brain cells so there should be no damage. He has been issued some anti-depressants and mild anesthetics.”

That made you feel even worse than you did before. You had seen him during and after severe episodes where he couldn’t remember who he was. You had helped him through his night terrors that left him panting and sweating, but the mental image of him laying sedated on the infirmary bed and everything that had led him there, were too much. You were hoping that everyone would have returned to their room after he was settled so you checked on Mickey once more. When you found him sound asleep, you smiled fondly and left to find Bucky.

Walking in the infirmary you heard Steve’s and doctor R’s hushed voices. When you realized it you were already at the door and every move that you’d make would give away your presence. Your tries to stay silent were futile and some seconds later both Steve and doctor R turned towards you

“(Y/F/N)…” Steve whispered shocked that you were there. You opened your mouth but since you had nothing o say you turned to leave “please stay!” he pleaded and you stopped on your tracks but didn’t turn to look at them “he… you are the only person he would want here…” your eyes widened and your heart sped up. You couldn’t deal with that. Your feet walked fast out of the room and you heard footsteps following you. These footsteps were nothing like Steve’s. Steve’s were heavy, certain and authoritative. You slowed down and looked behind you. Doctor R was coming closer to you her heels clicking on the floor.

“Hey…” she said when she reached you

“Is he going to be ok?” you asked

“He is stable for now. He will get better with proper rest” you nodded and turned to leave. “he loves you, you know…” she said and you froze. She moved to your front and smiled “he would only talk about you… if you were alright, if you were hurt. He didn’t care about anything else.”

“Then why did he ask you for help? Why did he act like this?” you said bitterly

“I don’t have all the answers. I can tell you only what I know. I know that when he came in he was in full control and I wanted to get out. I was a prisoner there and I was forced to operate on people. I had heard so much about him. He was my ticket out. My only responsibility was your well being. He did everything else. When they brought you in my office, beaten and almost dead I thought that I would never get out of there. He would get so mad at me… when they told me to operate on you and that you were of no use to them I lost all hope. I was pleading you to be strong during the operation because Bucky would go nuts! When you survived I went to talk to him but he was harsh, he wouldn’t look at me, he was only looking at his metal arm. He mumbled some things that didn’t make sense at the time but I understand now that he knew about what he was going to do to you. At the safe house he was asking about you. When you were in the bathroom he was asking me if he was too harsh, if you hated him, if you had told me anything… he was rather… insistent…” when she finished talking you couldn’t believe your ears. It was too good to be true…

“Listen, I am not saying that you should run into his arms and forgive everything that happened in one night. Just go there, listen to your heart and give him a chance. He deserves that, right?”

“I… I wouldn’t like company…”

“Steve will be in his room…”

“Alone?”

“For now yes… in a while though…” she said smiling. You smiled back, not a forced smile this time but a genuine one. No matter how much you wanted to stay mad at Steve you knew that he had gone through as much crap as Bucky and none of them deserved it. You wished her goodnight with a knowing smile which she returned and you went to see Bucky.

This time the only one in the room was Bucky. He was laying motionless on the bed, some machine was monitoring his heart and the needles on his right arm were connected with some liquids that you didn’t know what they were. Probably drugs and vitamins… the smell wasn’t the one that you would expect in a hospital but the environment was a bit more sterilized than the rest of the tower. The open window let the moonlight in and it gave Bucky’s pale face an eerie glow. There were so many things that you wanted to tell him but nothing would come out. Your throat felt completely dry and your hands were shaking. Instead of talking you decided to just sit quietly on the chair next to his bed.

Thoughts were going round in your head. Could he be interested in you when he treated you like garbage? Could it be possible that he liked Jackie to the point of starving himself to death? Everyone told you that he cared about you more than anything, that he wanted to protect you. If that was the case why did he care about the doctor’s wellbeing more than yours? The image of him asking if she was alright was burnt into your mind and you couldn’t forget it no matter how hard you tried. Eventually the thoughts that took over your brain became too much and you closed your eyes. The chair was comfortable –it was Tony’s tower, you didn’t think that anything would be uncomfortable- and you could easily fall asleep there. You shouldn’t though. It wasn’t your place to seep by his bedside and you doubted that he would even want you there when he’d wake up. You stood up to leave but your tired body felt heavy and you fell on the chair with a thud. You closed your eyes and groaned. The sudden noise in the otherwise silent room and probably the inability of the drugs to hold him for long due to his serum woke Bucky up. His eyes opened slowly and almost immediately focused on you. You could tell that he was scared both by the look in his eyes and by his increased heartbeat.

“hey” you said as soothingly as you could “it’s alright, you are safe.” His eyes never left yours and although he seemed less terrified, the look was still intense. “Do you remember who you are?” you asked remembering your first days with him. He simply nodded. “o you want me to call doctor R or Steve?” This time he tried to speak but his dry throat didn’t help him. He started coughing and you quickly poured some water in the glass on his nightstand, put a straw in it and held it close to his mouth. He opened his lips and closed them around the straw sucking lightly, his eyes never leaving yours.  This could have been so arousing if he wasn’t in a hospital-ish bed and you weren’t so angry at him. After a few sips you took he glass away.

“I…” he started saying but he closed his mouth again

“JARVIS please call…”

“No” he said quiet yet firmly. You turned towards him curious to why he had stopped you “could… would you like… want to… would you want to stay…here… with me?” he asked hesitantly

“You want me here?”

“Yes!” he replied almost desperate

“Ok” you said even though you didn’t know why you had agreed. This man used you, lied to you and mistreated you. Yet, the hope in his tired eyes made your heart clench in a familiar and not unwelcome way. He looked so beaten and lost, the ghost of the man you had grown to love but still, despite everything, he held a gentle handsomeness, a childlike spark in his eyes and a calming aura that you couldn’t resist.

He fell back on the bed letting out a sigh. You found a comfortable sleeping position on the chair, taking off your shoes and closing your eyes when you heard him shuffle on the bed. You opened your eyes and saw that he had moved on the right side of the bed, making room for you. He didn’t voice his question. Instead, he looked at you with a small hesitant and hopeful smile.

“Bucky, I don’t…” you said but before you could finish your sentence his face fell and you could almost hear the shattering of his heart.

“I am only saying that you should sleep…” he didn’t seem to listen. He had closed his eyes pretended that he was sleeping, still on the edge of the bed, leaving the invitation open. His heart though betrayed him. The machine was beeping like crazy saying that his heart was still restless. His face was frowning not like he was angry just… sad. Sometimes you hate how soft you could get. You moved from the chair and stepping only on your shoes you reached the bed. Bucky sensed the movement and opened his eyes. You slid under the covers and looked at him. It had been a while since you last slept together and in your mind it seemed like an eternity. You didn’t know if he would want any intimacy or like all the other nights that you had spent together, you would sleep at your respective sides. You closed your eyes hoping that he would do the same but after a couple of minutes of feeling that you were being watched you opened them again.

Those baby blue eyes with the prominent sadness and the spark of hope that you loved were staring at you and yet it didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. It was intimate, private and it held a closeness that you has severely missed.

“Bucky” you whispered, your voice husky, betraying the need you were suppressing so strongly for so long. Bucky only nodded and lowered his head to kiss your hair, inhaling deeply as he did so. You stomach flipped happily and you were glad that it wasn’t your heart that was connected to the monitor because it would give away everything.

Needing no further confirmation you moved closer to him, resting your head on his chest where his skin met the metal of his arm. You looked up silently asking f that was ok and he just smiled, leaned back and sighed this time, happily. You smiled and snuggled closer to him, breathing in his unique scent and held onto his shirt. Closing your eyes, you heard his steady heartbeat which was enough to lull you to sleep.


	16. The talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!!!
> 
> I am so sorry for the dely but life and writer's block got in the way! 
> 
> here is the new chapter and I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Kudos and Comments make my day so please tell me what you thought about it!!!  
> I can't wait to hear your opinion
> 
> xoxo

The first thing that you realised, when you woke up, was that you were warm.  The second thing was that it was probably morning judging by the sunlight that irritated your closed eyelids.  The third was raised voices. Someone was arguing with someone else but it seemed so far away…

You slowly opened your eyes and immediately regretted it.  The soft moonlight that illuminated the room was gone and it felt like the sunlight would make you blind! You looked up at Bucky’s still sleeping form and smiled. He needed the rest.

“Good morning” a soft voice said quietly. You looked at doctor R who was taking notes smiling. You were feeling a little embarrassed that she caught you like this so you decided to let her do the talking. 

“It is 12.30. Michael is with Hawkeye at the park. Steve is arguing outside with Mr. Stark whether you should or shouldn’t have slept here. I gave Bucky same stronger medication that will hold him down until noon probably. He will then start eating solid foods. Did I cover everything?” she half asked herself, half you.

“Thank you” you said sincerely. It wasn’t hard getting away from Bucky. The medication was keeping him asleep so you sneaked away from him.  You bid the doctor goodbye and walked out. 

“Alright boys!” you said getting the attention from the two arguing men “let’s take this elsewhere.  The drugs don’t work well with the serum so we need to be quiet or Bucky will wake up” you dragged them to the elevators and they didn't resist.  Once you were in you could feel Steve getting nervous

“Pumpkin…” Tony broke the silence but you shushed him and he obliged.

“Now, I’m listening” you said when you reached the main floor.

“Why were you there?” Tony asked sounding a bit angry. His question caught you off guard.  You were there because even after everything he put you through, there still was a place in your heart for him.  Your heart rate increased and you felt your palms sweat. 

“I was there … I was because… the main reason was…. that I was there… the only reason I was there… was because he fainted. He fainted and I checked on him. That’s all.” You stammered. Admitting to the team and especially your boss about your feeling considering a team member wasn’t something that you were planning to do. 

“Listen up pumpkin” Tony said with a sigh “I know first hand how kind hearted and caring you are; but I would never allow something to happen between you and him. Not after what he did.” He said sternly.

“This is not up to you to decide!” Steve replied “Bucky truly loves her and if you…”

“Will you both shut up?” you screamed “Tony, I love and respect you but this is my life! If I want to go jump off a cliff I will not ask for your permeation. And Steve stop making this about Bucky! I am here too damn it! This is not the Steve I befriended when I came here!” your tone had turned calm after they stopped talking.  Tony rushed to apologize and explain that he was worried about you and what he did to you while Steve had the decency to look embarrassed. 

“And now, if you’ll excuse me I need to see my son. Knowing Barton he has probably put him on a tree and teaching him how to shoot at people!” Tony chucked and nodded his head “Oh and Tony, do you know how can I adopt someone whose parents we don’t know?” you asked blushing

“I’ll talk to Fury about this one. Don’t worry” he said and you left the room asking Jarvis if he could contact Clint so that he would return with Mickey. A few minutes later you were standing on the door waiting for them to come back.  Mickey jumped on you, as usual, and started bubbling about his day at the park with Clint. It turned out that he had indeed taught him how to spy on people from the top of a tree which earned the archer a glare from you and a threat to tell Natasha.  After that he patted your head and left you alone with Mickey.

“Sooo... what would you like to do?” you asked with the kid still in your arms

“Play!” he said happily and you laughed

“Of course you do! Do you wanna go finish the puzzle we started the other day?” he nodded and you walked in your room. 

The day was uneventful. You continued your puzzle, after lunchtime Natasha joined you as well and you had agreed for him to be homeschooled until he was ready to return to a normal school.  The puzzle was almost done by the time Steve came over. 

“Hey guys, what are you up to?” he asked looking at your puzzle

“We are making the Eiffle tower” Mickey announced

“Honey, what was the name again?” you asked

“Ei… Eiffel?” he said unsure

“That’s right!” you praised. Steve and Natasha smiled

“You are doing a great job, it’s almost finished!” Steve commented making Mikey proud.  “(Y/F/N) can I talk to you for a second?” he asked hesitant. You stood up from where you were having your puzzle pieces, you told them not to finish it without you and followed Steve out of the room. 

“What do you want Steve?” you asked hoping he would just get it over with so you could get back to your puzzle.

“Listen (Y/F/N), I know that you are angry at me; and you have every right to be, really…but I just wanted to say, I’m sorry.  I do care about you. It’s just that… ever since Bucky came back I have been focusing on him and… I put the friends that I made in this age aside. It was wrong. Bucky is a great guy. He was… well, he was quite the ladies’ man back then, but now, he needs you… he needs you more than you know… I can’t say more because it is his story to tell but trust me when I say that he cares about you…. Even before the abduction…” he said almost in one breath and he sighed. Damn his puppy eyes! You couldn’t stay mad at him for long!

“Steeeve!” you whined and enveloped him in a hug “I know that you need to hold on to him because he is your past but… ugh… just don’t baby! Build a future with him in it but don’t shut us out. He is not the same, you are not the same, stop trying to relive the past and abandon your future!”

“I am sorry(Y/F/N), I really am”

“It’s ok…” you said reassuringly “you know, we could use more hands to finish that puzzle.  If you are not busy…” you said breaking away from his hug

“I would love to but I have to see Bucky.  He will wake up any minute now… you can come too if you want….”

“Just after we finish the puzzle…” you said walking in the room, Steve right behind you

“Mommy! We were waiting for you! You want to put the last piece?” Mikey said enthusiastically

“Well, it won’t take that long right?” Steve said smiling

 

* * *

 

 

You softly knocked on the infirmary door.  You didn't know if Bucky was up or if it was just doctor R there.  Mikey was playing video games with Tony and Bruce and you were hoping that they would put him to bed not very long past his bedtime.  You trusted Bruce to be on time, Tony on the other hand…

Doctor R opened the door with a smile and you saw Bucky almost choking on his desert when his eyes met yours

“D… doll? Hey!” he said and his face lit up “hi Steve” he added once the captain was shutting the door behind both of you

“Nice to see you too pal” he replied sarcastically. Bucky rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to you

“I… how… you…” he couldn’t seem to find anything to say but that could be said for both of you.  You knew that you were still mad at him but you also knew that you wanted to cuddle and kiss and hold him. It was messed up. 

“Alright!” doctor R said “you are free to leave whenever you want and we” she said motioning between Steve and herself “are leaving now. Try to talk ok?”  She pushed Steve outside, closed the door and left you and Bucky alone. 

You sat on the chair next to his bed and tried to make this a little less awkward

“How are you feeling?” you asked

“Good… I was fed and I slept… great…” he answered while a blush made its way to his cheeks. 

“I can’t even understand why you did this…”

“You don’t?” he said, his tone accusing

“No Bucky, I don’t! As I don’t know how you…” you understood that you were getting angrier and this would lead nowhere if you didn't keep your cool. “I really can’t understand any of this” you said calmer but failing to mask your pain

“Then let me explain to you. Let me tell you everything”


	17. You didn't say that he was enhanced!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!!!  
> I am so sorry for the long wait! My finals arae starting and I need to focus on that....   
> I dont really know when the next one will be up... :/  
> Anyways,   
> Enjoy and I cant wait to read what you think about the chapters!!!

“I... I actually… uh, I don’t know where to start!” he said his face flashed and his heart rate increased. You both looked simultaneously at the beeping machine next to his bed and laughed nervously. 

“Listen, I…” you started to say but you were cut off

“No, please let me explain. I… I need to do this.” Bucky said and you simply nodded.

“When you came I felt so nice around you. Steve was a bit pushy and even though he told me stories about ‘Bucky Barnes’ it felt like it was someone else and not me.  Stark was afraid of me - not that I blame him. You… you seemed to trust me…” you thought about telling him that you were scared out of your mind but you decided against it.  “You were so... refreshing, so beautiful… it was amazing. You helped me be more like myself, you helped me be less afraid of the world and you made me feel like I hadn’t felt for over seventy years. Steve had told me about your kindness and patience. I could see that right away. You never treated me like anything less than an equal. A person, not a weapon, an experiment or someone else that you hoped I would become.  It took me some time to understand this weird feeling I had around you. The way you laugh and smile and blush, the way you dance when you cook or how you move and mumble crazy stuff in your sleep…” your eyes widened in embarrassment and he just laughed “I fell in love with all of these, with all of you. I wanted to hold you, keep you close to me and protect you…The day that you left to go to your parent’s house, I wanted to tell you but then you said… you said that I should find someone and I lost all of my courage to tell you anything” you had to remind yourself to punch you in the face for saying that “I missed you. I missed you terribly those days. I was so happy for the moments we had before they took us. You never told me why you came back earlier…” he asked looking at you. For a second you forgot how to speak but when you realised that he was waiting for an answer you cleared your throat and answered

“Steve gave this speech, and I didn't feel like I was at home so I… I needed to come back…”

“Oh” he said looking disappointed “well, I guess it doesn’t matter what I thought…”

“Bucky…” you whispered

“No, it’s alright. Don’t mind me… it was all in my head… just tell me this… that day at the base… when you said you wanted it, did you mean it? Please tell me because I have been going crazy about this”

“That seems so long ago…” you started, trying to avoid giving him a straight answer but seeing the defeated and tired look on his face you decided against it. If he could bare his soul to you and tell you everything you could be vulnerable in front of him too “I did. _I_ wasn’t lying…” he sighed relieved and then looked at you puzzled

“What is that supposed to mean?” he asked

“What is that supposed to mean?” you repeated sarcastically “it’s supposed to mean that I don’t say stuff like ‘sorry’ and ‘I wish I could do this properly’ and then not caring about you or volatile with only one fucking question and start flirting with the other two women we came upon right after you had fucked me for show and then have the nerve to say that you fucking love me!” at this point you were screaming as loud as you could go and by the end of you rant you were panting and you were sure that your face was red. You were waiting for an answer or an excuse but when none came you turned to leave. Just as you reached for the door you heard his voice weak and tired

“I never flirted with anyone, not since I met you…” you felt to tired to scream so you turned around and faced him

“I saw you with her Bucky… right after we… _finished_. And when you couldn’t spare a second to see if I was alright, you cared for the doctor”

“You think I enjoyed it? You think I liked having her touch me when I couldn’t touch you like I longed for all this time?”

“Well, it didn't seem like it!”

“How else were you going to get in? How could I have known that you were safe?” at that you were left stunned “you needed to get there… neutralize the guards, guide the rest away from our position, you come to me, we get the doc and the kid, hack the lock, get away, detonate.” He recited the plan more to himself than you. Then he raised his eyes to you “I needed to distract her, to give you time”

“Then, if you care so much, why did you act like that around me and so differently with the doctor?”

“Because she is a civilian!” 

“And I am not?”

“You put a silencer on the gun and then planted a bullet straight between her eyes while I was inches away from her!”

“The guys taught me how to use a gun! When I saw you like that, I saw red! That doesn’t mean I have used a gun before outside of the range!” he looked at you with wide eyes “let alone kill my childhood ‘friend’”

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry (Y/F/N). I was so on mission mode that I counted you as an agent... I didn't know that she was…”

You were feeling overwhelmed and your legs were ready to give out.  As your head started to spin, two strong arms wrapped around you and carried you to the bed. 

“I’m sorry doll, I never meant to make you feel like this”

“Is that why you shouted at me? At the car?”

He nodded

“And in the house? Why were you like this in the house?”

“I told the doctor that what had happened was mutual. That I love you and that maybe you like me too.  She told me to apologize to you for what happened in the car and then when you saw me you threw up.” He took a deep breath to calm himself and continued “I didn't know what was going on and it felt like those first days when I couldn’t tell dream from reality”

“I’m so sorry Bucky. I should have asked you… I should have known that something was going on”

“I’m sorry too doll, I should have never done those things… doll?” he asked and you turned to look at him “I did something and I need to tell you… if you decided not to talk to me again I understand.  I would completely understand…”

“What is it Bucky?” you asked scared

“When we got there they thought that I was brainwashed. The doc told them that but they didn't completely believe her. So they put me through some tests.  You see, what they did… the brainwashing, it is still here” he said pointing his temple “I remember everything with extreme details. Every name, date, sound and smell are still here. They asked me question after question and I answered them all. But then, then they brought you in and asked me hit you. You were there, chained in that chair and I had to hurt you... I hurt you (Y/F/N). It was me in there.  ” you remembered that you found it odd that there were no questions asked, you remembered that someone was watching you, you remembered how you thought that the person hitting you was wearing brass knuckles. You hadn’t thought that it was Bucky’s arm… you looked at him and saw the guilt in his tearful eyes. Ignoring the numb pain in your chest you reached your hand to his face and wiped the tears away. It wasn’t his fault. He needed to do that, to make them believe that he was on their side and that he didn't recognize you. 

“I don’t expect you to forgive me. I can’t even forgive myself. When they said it was enough I stopped and I was brought back to my cell. The doctor came some time later and told me that you were brought to her beaten I knew that it was by my hands and I have never felt so sick of myself.” You touched gently his metal hand feeling the metal but he moved his hand away. You took it in your hands again and held it. It was the hand that had brought you so much pain yet it was the same hand that kept you safe.

“It’s alright Bucky… you had to do it… I forgive you”

“I hurt you doll, you were screaming in pain and I hurt you again and again.” You closed your eyes trying to block the memory but it was there.

“You were holding back, weren’t you?” you said remembering how your knees were cracked. If Bucky really wanted to hurt you your kneecaps would be in the other end of the planet right now

“I didn't want to do too much damage…” he said apologetically

“Bucky, I told you, I don’t blame you for this…”

“Does than mean that we are alright now?” he asked, his blue eyes pleading you to say yes

“No Bucky, it doesn’t…” you said remembering the pain and the heartbreak you had felt “But we can be… it just takes time… we have time, don’t we?” at that his eyes lit up

“Yes doll, all the time in the world!” he said and hugged you. There, in his arms, you felt every negative emotion disappear from your heart. You let yourself be taken away by the musky strong scent that was completely Bucky’s, to the feel of his strong body against your skin and the rapid beating of his heart that was matching yours. It felt like all the tension between you that had been dissolved it had been transformed into something new, something that you couldn’t name. You felt dizzy and disoriented yet safe and warm at the same time.  It felt like your stomach was turning upside down yet you had never felt stronger.  The sensations became too much and you had to break away from Bucky’s arms and that seemed to break the trance you were into.

Once you regained your composure and felt normal again, you got up from the bed and guided Bucky back to his room. He said that he wanted to catch up with a book so you left him and went to look for your son.

“JARVIS where is Mickey?” you asked the AI

“There seems to be a disturbance in the main floor and both your mother and Michael are present.” You widened your eyes and ran to the elevator. What was your mother doing there? Suddenly you felt your face heat up at the thought of her knowing about where you were. She wasn’t a mind reader but still it was quite uncomfortable to have to admit that you were with him. She would smile knowingly and it irritated you! Once the elevator’s doors opened you came face to face with your mom you rushed to hug you. 

“What’s going on?” you asked seeing that the whole team was there and trying to avoid suffocation

“What’s going on?” tony mimicked your voice angrily “what else haven’t you told us? Who is this guy?” he asked handing you a tablet with a picture on it.  You took the tablet in your hands and examined the picture. There was a hooded man surrounded by deep forest and a building behind him.  You couldn’t see much of the face but the square jaw and the body betrayed a man. A man that seemed starved. His face was pale and although he seemed somewhat familiar you couldn’t place where you had seen him

“It’s your stepfather (Y/F/N)” Natasha said from the corner of the room “he massacred the whole facility and got out”

“Why don’t we know anything about this?” tony asked and he sounded furious.  You had never seen him like that and especially to you

“I thought that Nat and I had taken care of him…”

“Clearly not!”

“Why did you put him there?” Steve asked calmer

“He sold information to HYDRA about (Y/F/N) and Bucky” Natasha answered for you

“The shopping trip…” Clint said looking at Natasha and she looked down

“The way those people were killed…” Bruce commented but you cut him off

“Now Bruce?” you asked moving towards Mickey who was sitting on a chair looking scared. You held him close to your chest to calm him down

“Are they going to get us?” he asked

“No baby. We are safe…” you said soothingly, fixing his messy hair. 

“Let’s go get some ice cream from the kitchen, alright?” your mother asked holding her hand out for him to take.  Mickey looked at you and when you nodded he followed your mom out of the room. 

“As I was saying…” Bruce continued looking at you and you mouthed ‘sorry’ to him “the people at the base weren’t killed in a conventional way. It seems like they died of old age. Very old age.  ”

“What do you mean?” Natasha asked and swiftly walked to the laptop that Bruce was using

“Imagine having something suddenly such all the energy from your body leaving you a two hundred year corpse. That is how they died. ”

“You didn't say that he was enhanced!” Natasha accused you

“I didn't know! He didn't seem enhanced when you captured him!”

“The important thing is to get him before he gets to us” Steve said trying to calm everyone in the room. “(Y/F/N), you, your mom and Mickey don’t leave the tower for any reason. Tony and Bruce, try to find how we can deal with him. Then, we go from there. ”

Suddenly all eyes were on you. Some accusatory, some angry, some calculating. It didn't seem like a nice place at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, the reader gets this weird dizzy feeling a lot lately, right?  
> What could it be? ;)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!  
> Sooo, I'm baaaack!!!  
> Sorry for the long wait but I couldn't write a word on this story and after I wrote something else and re-watched the first season of Glee, I finally started writting this!!!
> 
> I am so sorry for the wait, I hope that this chapter wont disappoint you!!!
> 
> Thank you so much for your kudos and comments and I cant wait to read your opinion on this!!!!
> 
> Enjoy!!! :)

You walked out of the room as soon as Steve said that you were dismissed. You couldn’t bare the look on your friend’s faces. You had always had a home there and you were trusted. Had HYDRA managed to break that trust? To make them see you as a traitor as well. It was to be expected and maybe you didn’t want to see it.  Natasha, your supposed best friend, was a spy who never trusted anyone so would that change with you? Tony is a man who deals with his problems aloe and at the end of the day he is only your boss.  Steve is captain America, the untouchable idol, the perfect tactician who was going to evaluate the situation, solve the problem and then move on.  You didn’t know why you ever thought that you could be friends with people like these, perfect, heroes.

You were lucky that your mom and Mickey were there. If they kicked you out you could cope with it. You had some savings, you had a reason to move on… You were going to miss Bucky though.  You didn’t part on exactly good terms but still, you said that you would try and when you left it was the only thing on your mind but now, it seemed so far away and unimportant that it broke your heart. On your way to the kitchen you bumped into doctor R. she seemed friendly enough and clueless about what had happened. You didn’t feel like telling her.

“So, how are things between you and Bucky?” she asked smiling softly.  She wasn’t a bad person. You didn’t like her at first, mostly because you thought that something was going on between her and Bucky, but she was nice. There was no wonder why Steve liked her.

“We are in the right way I guess…” you said uncertain of what the future would hold for you

“I am glad” she said

“You know Bucky didn’t exactly tell me the same things as you did…” you said remembering what she had told you “you said that he asked about his behavior; he said other things…”

“I… I wasn’t really comfortable saying these… and I didn’t know if he would tell you. You were so persistent, so... jealous” he said smirking at you “that I couldn’t just not answer you” you giggled at her answer. It was good to have a normal conversation with someone. 

“You know there were some strange readings of your condition while you were in that room with Bucky…” aaand that was the end of normal

“What do you mean ‘strange readings’?” you asked not sure if you wanted to know the answer. You were almost outside the kitchen and you had stopped walking to hear about this without interruptions.

“JARVIS was monitoring Bucky’s condition and he picked up some strange activity in the room. But it came from you. We can’t place it and I told him to keep it a secret from the others until I talk with you. Do you know anything about this?” she asked

“No, maybe it has to do with the operation? We never found out what it was, just that I was super healthy” you said seriously. You were scared for your condition and this didn’t help at all

“I do know anything either. Anyway, I didn’t want to scare you, just to let you now.  Don’t keep them waiting” she said motioning towards the kitchen where your mom and Mickey were eating ice cream. You smiled weakly and walked in

It took some convincing to get Mickey off the ice cream and the three of you went in your room. You explain to your mom that she would be living there for some time for your own protection. You gave her your room and she helped you put aside some sheets and pillows for you to sleep on the couch. You were almost done when Jar made an announcement

“Mr. Stark has the guestroom number 17 ready to accommodate Mrs. (Y/L/N). Guestroom 17 had a master bedroom, a full stocked kitchen and a fantastic view…”

“It won’t be necessary” you interrupted “Please inform Mr. stark that we thank him for his generosity but we have to decline his offer. We are comfortable in this room and we wouldn’t like to be more of a burden”

“I am afraid that Mr. Stark insists” came JARVIS’ reply a few minutes later

“We wouldn’t want to bother. We are absolutely comfortable here” there was no reply this time

“I thought that you and your boss were on a first name basis, what happened?” you mom asked

“I don’t know mom… I don’t know anything…” you said resting your head in your hands.

“Maybe you are overthinking things again. Go do something fun and I will watch over Mickey.” She said gently rubbing your back

 “What do you think of him?” you asked hoping that she wouldn’t be so mad at you for taking him under your wing without asking her

“He seems like a nice child… he is a bit close but you know about that stuff, don’t you?” she smiled and you looked down “honey, you have always been wiser than your age. If you decided that you can support this life I am sure you will put your heart and soul into it and I am sure that this boy will grow up to become a great man”

“Thank you mom, really thank you” you said swallowing the lump that had found its way to your throat and you hug your mom tightly

“Go have fun dear” she said as she let you go

 

You walked out of the room but there was one more problem left. You had nowhere to go.  You turned to the elevator but once you were in you had no place to go so you walked out. And then you noticed it. Bucky’s room. He was there, he probably didn’t know about what happened earlier so he wouldn’t be mad at you. You had agreed to start over so why not now? You found yourself hesitant to knock on his door but as you had your hand raised, debating in your head if you should stay or leave, the door opened to a smiling Bucky. The moment he saw your face his smile fell and at that moment you realized how bad you must look.

“What’s wrong doll? What happened?” he asked concerned

“I… I just thought that, if you are not doing anything, we could watch some of the movies we have planned…” you asked uncertain but he opened the door widely and stepped aside to let you in

“Are you sure that you are alright? You don’t seem good…” he insisted

“Nothing to bother you about…” you answered smiling but you knew that it wasn’t a real smile and he would see it. You walked in, leaving him behind you until he grabbed your arm and turned you around

“Doll, you are not bothering me. You may not want to tell me and that’s… ok, but you are not bothering me” he said and the emotion in his eyes was so much that almost made you forget how to breathe.

“It’s a long story…” you warned him.

“We have time, don’t we?” he asked and smiled

“Yeah, yeah, we have” you smiled back.

As you sat on the couch you told him the whole story, how you went in the living room to find everyone there, how your stepdad, who you thought was just a major douchebag and HYDRA informant, had turned out to be an enhanced psycho who killed many good people, how everyone blamed you for this and how your friends who claimed to love you and stuff like all being family, now hated you and even thought of you as a HYDRA agent or something like that.  Bucky laughed at the last statement but when he looked the sad look in your eyes he stopped

“Doll, let’s get one thing straight. You are not a HYDRA agent. You couldn’t be a HYDRA agent even if you tried to be” he said holding back his laugh but letting a smile escape

“You didn't see the look in their eyes Buck, it was what they were thinking.”

“You wanna tell me that especially Stark and Romanoff are thinking that you are a HYDRA agent and they hate you for it?” he asked disbelieving

“You know what?” you asked tired as you stood up to leave “you don’t want to believe anything like this happened alright!” but before you could leave the couch he made you sit back down and laughed lightly

“I am not laughing at you and I believe that this is what you thought that happened but let me tell you, these people really care for you. They don’t blame you and seeing that as an… as a former operative, I can tell you that their minds were trying to find a solution, a logical explanation or a plan of attack as you were speaking.”

“I still don’t believe that. I mean, Nat sounded very angry at me, she thought that I knew he was enhanced and I didn't tell her.  Tony was shouting at me like I have never seen him before.  It was awful…”

“What do you say, we make some dinner, eat, watch a movie and then worry about this?” he asked running his hand through your hair.  You felt that the roles were changed, that now he coached you through this situation and it didn't feel right.  He had many things that he needed to overcome, many things to learn and you had to be there to teach him, not the other way around.  You put on your bravest smile and went to the small kitchen.

“So” you said looking around the cupboards to find anything that could help you find inspiration for the meal that you -lets be real, Bucky didn't know how to boil an egg…- were going to cook, just like the old days “pasta?” you asked showing some that you found and looking for the ingredients of your favorite sauce.  Bucky sat on the counter, watching you cook and made small talk, helping you relax and not get bored with cooking.  When dinner was ready you asked JARVIS to check on your mom and Mickey. He told you that they had already eaten and your son was getting ready for bed.  You smiled and enjoyed your food with Bucky. Small talk consisted of book recommendations, as always but also with stories about Mickey’s accomplishments.  He was happy to listen to you and sometimes he would add things that he had randomly heard around the tower or things regarding books and pop culture that he had researched online. 

When you finished your dinner, you sat on the couch once more to watch a movie. You decided on Pirates of the Caribbean since it was the trilogy you were going to watch before the HYDRA fiasco. Half an hour into the first movie you felt Bucky move closer to you but you didn't say anything. You needed the closeness and you didn't mind him at all.  You didn't even notice when you leaned your head on his shoulder as his hand was playing with your hair. The repeated pattern that his hand was drawing on your hair worked as a lullaby and you didn't notice when your eyes closed and you snuggled on his chest once more.

If it had been minutes or hours you couldn’t tell.  What you could tell was that Bucky was moving and you weren’t going to let him ruin the perfect sleep that you were getting. His arm around you and the rise and fall of his chest helped you sleep immediately and deep. It was pure relaxation.  You grabbed his sweater and tried to hold him down

“Don’t leave” you mumbled, your voice thick from sleep

“I am just bringing a blanket for you… you seem cold” he said smoothly and you smiled at the tone of his voice.  You didn't exactly register what he was saying but as he tried to get up again you held him down.

“Don’t leave me” you said this time sounding a bit more coherent. You felt him stretch and then something heavy and warm fell on you.  You opened your eyes to see what it was to find Bucky’s jacket around you, keeping you warm. You sighed at the feeling it was giving you but you felt your self more awake by the second. 

“I should go back to my room, it must be late…” you whispered as a yawn escaped you

“Stay here” Bucky said caressing your face “three people in your apartment are too many. Stay here” his eyes were so soft and content that you couldn’t disagree.  You nodded your head and started to get up when his arms wrapped around your shoulders and under your knees. He held you close to his body and walked you to bed.  You took off your clothes and bra and wore one of his t shirts while he had gone to the bathroom to give you privacy.  You hid under the covers on your side (as you had it in your mind) and not a minute later Bucky joined you, pressing his chest on your back and holding you protectively. 

“Goodnight” he whispered on your hair, the warmth of his breath giving you goosebumps and an involuntary smile found its way on your face. A good night indeed. 

 

And as for the next day, you were going to deal with it when it came. 

 


	19. Look who's home!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!
> 
> Here's the next chapter! I hope that from now on I'll be able to update sooner...
> 
> Thank you for your kudos and comments they really mean a lot to me! :) 
> 
> Hope you enjoy and as alway feedback is much appreciated! Please tell me what you think! :)

You stretched on the big bed as you slowly opened your eyes.  You looked around you lazily and recognized Bucky’s room.  You smiled as you turned on the empty bed, burring your face in his pillows. It was a good morning.  The digital clock next to you read 10.30am. It was weird that Bucky hadn’t woken you but since you had no job to attend to you could oversleep.  As you were getting ready to get up you heard voices from outside. You couldn’t exactly understand what they were saying and once you had moved closer to the door they had stopped. You opened the door and came face to face with the two super soldiers. Bucky was looking at you with his mouth open and Steve was smiling while looking anywhere but you, his face red. You took a look at yourself and you saw that you were wearing only Bucky’s t shirt that was big enough to at least cover your butt. 

 

“Ehm… good morning” you said and walked behind Bucky. You didn’t know why Steve was there but if they stopped talking when you woke up it shouldn’t be good.  “I should get going” you said squeezing Bucky’s hand and starting to leave

 

“Not so fast” Steve said “Bucky told me about what you said happened last night” you looked at Bucky wide eyed and he just shrugged! You couldn’t believe it! “Do you really believe” Steve continued “that we think you are HYDRA?”

 

“I didn’t say exactly that…” you tried to justify yourself

 

“Buck…” Steve said and he just nodded and walked out of the room without talking to you, just squeezing reassuringly your shoulder as he passed by

 

“You know (Y/F/N)” Steve said “this has been very difficult for all of us.  First you two get kidnapped, then you get back relatively unscathed but at each other’s throats and now this?” you looked down “we weren’t mad at you because we thought that you betrayed us. We were mad at you for not trusting us enough to tell us the whole story. We knew that your dad was an abusive man but you never told us about his ties to HYDRA”

 

“I didn’t wanna make a big deal out of it…” you mumbled without looking at him.

 

“Lie” Steve called you out. “You didn’t tell us because you didn’t trust us enough. You told Natasha only because you needed her and you chose the one person who could manage this alone and wouldn’t tell on you.”

 

“You are wrong. I told Natasha because when I lost my best friend I knew that I could count on her. I need a girlfriend to help me out of this mess.  It isn’t that I don’t trust you, like you are going to betray me or turn out to be HYDRA or something like that. It’s just hard for me to let people in…” you confessed and you had to admit that you were feeling better about it

 

“Well you better work on that because you have people who care for you and it would be a shame to lose them for something as stupid as this. Go talk to Tony, the sooner the better” he said and left you alone with your thoughts.  You got out of Bucky’s room and walked in yours, expecting your mom to lecture you about not sleeping there last night. Instead she smiled knowingly and said that Natasha and Clint had taken him to the circus as they had promised him and they would be back for dinner.   You thanked her and went to your room to change. You wore the clothes you usually wear at work, hoping that you could get your job back and with it some sense of normality in your life.  Exiting your room, you kissed your mom, grabbed one of the left-over sandwiches that she had made for Nat, Clint and Mickey and left to find Tony. You were pretty sure that he would be at his lab because that was where he always spends his days when Pepper is not around.  When you reached the lab you heard Tony talking, probably to JARVIS or one of his robot-helpers. 

 

“Mr. Stark?” you asked as the glass doors slide open. He turned around with his brows frowned

 

“I… um… I was wondering, would I be returning to my previous position or is it taken?” you asked hesitantly. You were almost sure that he would decline and you could feel your heart beat fast in your chest. 

 

“What the hell is wrong with you kid?” he asked putting his tools aside. “First you hide things from me, then you start all this crap like ‘Mr. Stark’ and ‘don’t wanna be a burden’. What happened to you?”

 

“I… I thought that you didn’t want me around anymore because of the thing with my stepfather and that you would kick us out or…”

 

“Are you crazy?” he asked and you looked down “did they do anything to your brain that we also don’t know about?” he slammed his hand on the table and closed his eyes frustrated “listen kid” he said as he looked at you again “your job is gone, you’re done with it, you lost it. Now you are under protection from that crazy lunatic that we haven’t been able to locate yet. Understood?”

 

“Yes sir” you said defeated. So that was it.  The end. Once the avengers contained your stepfather you were going to be kicked out and you’d never see them again

 

“Cut that bullshit!” he said pointing at you “what is wrong now?” he almost whined like he couldn’t wait to get rid of you

 

“Nothing sir, I completely understand the reasons of my dismissal and me and my family will be gone as soon as you allow us.” You said as you turned to leave

 

“You know I thought we understood each other, you and I. what happened to you?”

 

“I don’t understand” you stuttered

 

“Why did you ask Romanoff to help you and not me?” he tried to sound casual but you could see the hurt he tried to mask. Had you really hurt him so much? Ever since you returned from that hellhole that you were being held you had hurt so many people. You mistrusted Bucky, thinking that he had used you and it resulted to him ending up to the infirmary. You had hurt Tony and then thought that it was him who didn’t want you there. You needed to get your life together but you didn’t know how.

 

“I don’t know” you answered him. He just nodded and returned to his work.  You stood still for a couple of seconds, not knowing if you should leave or stay and since no words came to you, you did the one thing that seemed right. You moved and hug him from behind. Every other time you had done this when he was working here he would laugh and turn around. This was something you did when he overworked and you needed to remind him to sleep or eat. This time though he just tensed.

 

“I am sorry” you mumbled but his didn’t turn “Tony…?” at that he turned but he didn’t hug you back

 

“What happened to you kid?” he asked disappointed

 

“I am sorry Tony, I didn’t think that it would upset you, I didn’t think that it would escalate like this! I promise I won’t hide anything from you ever again” you said looking up to him. You felt like a child again, when you had cause chaos around the house or at school and your dad would reprimand you. Tony sighed and hugged you back. You sniffled holding back your tears. You were so relieved that Tony had forgiven you. The thought that he wouldn’t speak to you again or that you would ever see him again made you feel terrible.  This hug was so different than the ones you shared with Bucky. Those were filled with unreleased tension trying to be soothed by that small touch. This held the fatherly love that you had been deprived of for so long. It was calming and made you feel safe. 

 

“Don’t pull stunts like that again. Clear?” he asked ruffling your hair. You nodded smiling and walked away to let him finish his work.  As you were reaching for the door you heard him call you back

 

“You know kid, if I ever had any children with Peps, I wouldn’t mind them growing up to be like you” he said without looking at you. And he didn’t have to. You knew how hard was of Tony Stark to confess something like that and you felt honors that he told you even though he didn’t look at you.

 

* * *

 

On your way to your room you made a detour and went to the gym. You saw Bucky sparring with Steve but you didn’t want to interrupt so you just left.  You spent the rest of the day with your mom, talking and preparing dinner.  Bruce, doctor R, Steve and Bucky joined you eventually and the kitchen became brighter when all those people started talking together. Bucky actually made an effort to join in the conversation something that everyone welcomed.  When Natasha texted you that they would be back in about ten minutes and dinner was ready you went to the lab to bring Tony.  Mickey jumped in your arms when they entered the kitchen and during dinner everyone listened about their day. Clint had also told him some stories about his past at the circus which you guessed were a bit exaggerated.  After everything that had happened it was nice to have a normal, quiet dinner with your friends. Even before you agreed to help Bucky you would eat with them since your job kept you there until late at night. It was nice to have that tradition back with home cooked meal this time. 

After everyone’s hunger was satisfied you rested in the common room with Mickey, Natasha, Clint, Steve, Doctor R and Bucky to watch a movie before you put Mickey to bed.  You settled with your son in your lap and resting your head on Bucky’s shoulder.  You asked JARVIS to play ‘The Goonies’ and everyone relaxed as the movie started.

Halfway through your eyes were almost closed as Mickey was sleeping soundly on you. Doctor R was cuddling with Steve who along with Natasha and Clint were watching the movie with great interest.  Suddenly banging noises made you jump off the couch. Three loud knocks. And then again.

 

“JARVIS, report” Steve called on alert and looking for his shield. When the AI didn’t answer everyone stood from their places and retrieved their hidden weapons. Bucky stood in front of you and Mickey who had woken up and constantly asked what was going on and Steve protected doctor R.  You all heard the sound of glass smashing and Tony flying in the living room with his suit on.

 

“All systems are down. Could be anything but let’s be prepared” his voice came from inside his mask. When he finished his sentence the lights went down and a figure appeared on the living room’s door. You were scared about your mom who was alone in her room and hoped that whoever it was would only stay in that room. You held Mickey tightly on your chest doing your best to protect him

 

“Who are you?” Steve asked using his ‘captain America voice’

 

“Show yourself!” Tony ordered

 

The figured slowly moved closer and suddenly appeared in front of Bucky. The moonlight that was getting in from the large windows showed his face.

There in a ripped hoodie, with his face pale like death and his eyes completely dark stood your stepfather.

 

 

“Move”  

 


	20. A/N

Hey everyone! I am so sorry if you waited for a chapter. I just wanted to let you know that my laptop has ctashed down and I hope to have it fixed soon. Writing from phones is too hard for me so we will have to wait until my laptop is fixed. Maybe i will even work on 2 chapters after it's fixed ;) 

Thank you for your patience

buckyl0ver143


	21. The light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!!!!  
> I am back!!!!!!  
> I just came back from hell... um excuse me, i meant family vacation.... and as if the crashing of my laptop wasn't bad enoug, my cell phone was destroyed in the beach as well. I dont think it gets worse than that!
> 
> Aaaanyway, here I am again!!!
> 
> Hope you enjoy the chapter and remember: comments and kudos make my day  
> Please tell me what you think!

“Move”

Your stepfather said to Bucky and the only thing you could do was to hold your child closer to your chest, hoping to protect him.  Poor Mickey didn't say a word, he just buried his face in your neck trying to block the horrid face of the attacker from his mind.  Your stepfather looked like you had never seen him before. His eyes were dark and swollen, his skin so pale that you could see the veins underneath, making black patterns throughout his face and ending in his eyes.  Bucky was standing up in front of you and if he tensed he didn't show it. You didn't know if he didn't have a chance to answer or if he wasn’t planning on it but the next thing you saw was a light beam and Tony’s voice telling Bucky to get you out of there. You looked to your right where your stepfather had flown by Tony’s shot but he looked like he was getting over it pretty quickly. Before you had a chance to understand what was going on, Bucky took you by the hand and urged you to get up. You followed him blindly and met with Natasha at the door. She took Mickey with her and nodded. You didn't know if she nodded to you or Bucky but Mickey’s cry shook you from your thoughts. You managed to nod at him and smile but he kept crying until Natasha carried him over her shoulder and ran at the opposite direction of where Bucky was taking you. You could hear the fight that was going on in the living room but didn't dare to look back. In the elevator you stood with your back to the wall and you realised that if this was how you died there were so many things that you had left undone. You needed to tell Bucky that you loved him so much that it scared you, you needed to tell Natasha that she was the most bad-ass best friend you could ever ask for, you needed to tell Tony that he was a god damn great man, a real hero, because he tends to forget how great he is from time to time. Most importantly though, you needed to live. You needed to live so that you could say those things to your family, to experience what being in love and happy with Bucky feels like, to raise and support your child and mother.

“I don’t wanna die” you whispered to no one in particular. Bucky was snapped out of his thoughts at your words and turned to look at you

“You won’t doll, I promise you. I am not going to let anything happen to you” he said cupping your face. You felt like that was the moment, that you had to say those three small words but nothing would come out of your dry throat no matter how hard you tried.  The elevator dinged and opened in an armory room that you had never seen before. You guessed that it was above your clearance level but now it didn't matter. Bucky left you at the door and started gathering various weapons. He was running around and talking to himself when you heard a voice stuttering from the ceiling.

“Ms. (Y/L/N)… your m… mother… doctr Banner…”

“Is my mother safe Jar?” you asked worried

“Yes” Jarvis answered and you sighed relieved

“Don’t worry Jar, Tony will fix you soon” you said but there was no answer after that. Bucky put two guns in your hands and looked at you seriously

“I hope you won’t need to use them, but if we come to this… can you…” you put him put off the difficult place to ask you by nodding. You were going to do what you needed to do. He looked at you and you started feeling lightheaded again, like you wanted to smile and not care about anything that happens and just hold him and kiss him and then that dizziness that came with this feeling.  It was too fast and not in a good time. Soon the dizziness overwhelmed you but this time it came with an unpleasant feeling; a weight on your chest made you feel like you couldn’t breathe and suddenly everything good in your mind turned bad. Every unhappy emotion that you had ever felt in your life became real, much too real and seemed to have manifested right before your eyes.  The only thing that kept you from going absolutely crazy was Bucky’s bright blue eyes looking at you worried. That was the last thing you remembered before you were thrown on him and almost to the other end of the room. You crawled to Bucky and held him tightly

“Why the sad face?” he asked and raised his hand. As if that day hadn’t been crazy already, you saw his hand prune, turn black and yellowish sickening light shown around it. You stared at him in shock “you thought you were the only one who could do tricks, didn't you?” he said smiling menacingly “you always thought that you were special, extraordinary. You, nothing but a scared little girl, thought that could turn my life around. Tsk tsk tsk… such a shame, such a pretty face with such a wrong mind…” he said approaching you while Bucky stood in front of you to protect you. You didn't understand a thing of what he was saying but you were too scared to think about it

“Don’t touch her” Bucky said in a deep, scary voice that you had never heard before. Even this small phrase was enough to make you shiver in fear or something else that you weren’t in a position to dwell upon at that moment, but it didn't seem to affect your stepfather in any way. He only raised his hand and touched Bucky. Everything was moving so fast yet so slow at the same time. In a second the other avengers came in the room and started fighting with your stepfather again. Shields and arrows flew towards him while tony was throwing small blasts from his suit. You couldn’t tell when all these happened or how you saw any of it - so quickly they seemed to happen. He only thing that moved in slow motion was your voice calling Bucky and his body falling down motionless. 

You kneeled down next to him and even though everything you saw around you was bleary from tears you could tell one thing for sure: Bucky had aged 50 years on two seconds! You knew that he was old, as old as Steve but he didn't look old. This time his face was full of wrinkles and what was left of his hair gray and weak. His smile and eyes however remained the same ones you loved. With great effort he raised his tired hand to cup your cheek.

“I’m tired doll” he whispered. You had to try to hold back your tears but they kept on falling

“No, no, look at me, don’t close your eyes” you begged him “Bruce will figure something out, please, don’t leave me” you sobbed

“I am happy doll, I … I met you…” his words came out with more difficulty by the second.  “I only wish…” he said as he moved his hand from your cheek to your lips. He didn't find the strength to finish that sentence but he didn't need to. You sobbed harder as tears were streaming down your face quicker than rain.

“I’m sorry” you chanted again and again kissing his hand as his breathing became more erratic and unstable.  His eyes were still open and although he tried to speak, no words came out. You closed your eyes and leaned down to taste his lips. It wasn’t like all the times you had fantasized about it but you felt his breath hitch as he responded with all the power he had left.  But that didn't last long suddenly he stopped kissing you and before you opened your eyes, the pain in your soul told you that he was gone. You resumed your previous position next to him and saw his eyes closed and a smile on his face. At that point you had no control over your tears and your breath wasn’t coming out of your body. Your chest was heavy and Bucky’s death came like a rock on you but instead of squeezing the life out of you, it was pushing out an energy you didn't know you possessed. When you managed to somewhat control yourself you felt that energy pulsate inside you and it finally came out in the form of a scream. 

You didn't know what was going on around you. You didn't know where everyone was or what they were doing. All you knew was that you felt free for the first time in your life. It felt like a small bird that learns how to fly, when it leaps in the void and comes up again instead of crushing down to the ground. It felt like a cat landing on her feet after a two storey fall. It felt like every pore in your body was blocked by an invisible barrier that had now disappeared. When you stopped screaming you fell on top of Bucky’s body and there you felt like that time in the infirmary. When his body touched yours, every single negative thought and emotion disappeared from your mind and heart, you felt your stomach turn but at the same time you felt strong, like you could conquer the world if you tried. You felt warm but not too hot. You felt like the sun rays were enveloping you, encouraging you to keep going, to keep fighting, to keep living and giving; giving love to the people you cared about, giving hope to the ones who had lost it, giving life to the ones who needed it. You felt your body become liquid and unite with Bucky’s. You felt his love, his thoughts, his touch. You felt everything and suddenly, you felt nothing at all.

Natasha POV

“Auntie Tasha where are we going?” Mickey asked. Clint had taught him to call her ‘Tasha’ only to make her angry but now she couldn’t really care. She had civilians to protect. Even thought doctor Banner was with (Y/N)’s mother, Natasha wasn’t sure that she was safe until she saw her with her own eyes. 

“We’ll meet your grandma Mickey. She must be with doctor Banner and doctor R will hopefully find us in a minute” she replied as she ran. They first checked doctor Banner’s room and when they found it empty they ended up in (y/n)’s room.  There was every civilian that was currently living at the Avenger’s tower. The kid ran immediately in his grandmother’s arms and she held him closely like she was holding her own flesh and blood, thanking Natasha for her help. Unfortunately she didn't have any information about (Y/N)’s whereabouts and current situation.  All they could do was wait there and be calm. She didn't want to risk leaving them only with doctor Banner. If the other guy came out he would wreck havoc in the building, scare the living lights out of everyone but she wasn’t sure if he was going to help with their current problem.  The only thing that she could do was try and fix - as much as she could - Jarvis from the laptop that was in the room. 

As it turned out this was (Y/N)’s laptop. Natasha recognized it from the image on the screen. It was a selfie that (Y/N) had made her take before they went out for a girl’s night in the city. They were both wearing their favourite dresses and their biggest smiles.  She was feeling bad for shouting at her. She knew that in her line of work the only worse thing than no intel is no intel but poor (Y/N) didn't know any of that and she wished that neither (Y/N) or anyone else would ever have to know that kind of stuff. But this didn't matter now.  This was home, family and this man threatened it.

Natasha didn't care about gathering intel anymore.

“Natasha, why is everything so silent?” Mrs. (Y/L/N) asked and she was right. Even with the building’s top soundproofing they should be hearing something… Natasha checked her stingers and guns and walked to the door

“Lock the door after me…” she said but before she had time to finish her instructions a bright, warm, golden light flew in the room and illuminated everything.  Natasha saw herself as a happy three-year-old, playing in the snow. It was Christmas in Russia and she was with her mama and papa, buying gifts. Then this memory vanished but she didn't miss it. She saw the first time she had a class with (Y/N). Such and eager student and she reminded her of herself. Patient, careful and persistent. She pushed herself but no more than her limits allowed her. Next thing she knew, she was in her room in the tower and she had just come back from a date with Clint. It had been great and she was on top of him on the couch. She knew how this was going to end, she knew that he made her happy.

As suddenly the light had come in the room, just as suddenly it had disappeared and had left everyone with dreamy smiles on their faces which she guessed that matched her own.  After everyone returned to their right minds, chaos erupted.  Mickey started crying, Banner tried to control the other guy, Mrs. (Y/L/N) and doctor R were shaking and she needed to see what had happened before she had time to analyze the things she had seen. 

She asked the back up system where was everyone and she ran to the operation’s room.  There she found the rest of the team, in no better condition. Clint ran to her and hugged her, trying to block something from her view. She broke free and then she saw it.  Barnes was sitting on the ground with (Y/N)’s unmoving body in his hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: Bucky POV
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!!!!! :D


	22. Bucky 2.0  -  with a dash of Nat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!!!  
> Here is the next chapter!
> 
> on the next one we will return to normal POV -or not, who knows-
> 
> Thank you so much for the support, the comments and the kudos, you are really amazing guys!!!!
> 
>  
> 
> Hope you enjoy and remember: feedback is love and greatly aprreciated!!!!!  
> xoxo

I had no idea how I ended up this way. The last thing I remember was dying and then I was holding (Y/N)’s body in my hands.  Do I mourn? Do I hope? I have no idea what to do. Suddenly the door opens and Romanoff runs in. I can barely see anything that happens around me. Everything is a blur, everything besides my love’s beautiful calm face. She looks so pale, so tired and yet there is still spark in her. Her eyes are closed but I know she isn’t dead. I can feel it.

“What did you do?” Romanoff yells at me as Barton is trying to hold her back “you were supposed to protect her!” I don’t even try to answer her. I don’t care about what she is saying? I don’t have a logical explanation about everything that happened there? I don’t know.  Steve comes next to me and touches her neck

“There is a pulse! Get Sarah and Banner NOW!” he screams and tries to take her from me. I can’t let that happen. I grab her and hold her close to me she is mine.  I don’t deserve her, I have hurt her but I love her so much that I will try to make everything alright. No matter what it takes. She is mine.

“Buck, we need to get her to the infirmary” Steve says and I stand up with (Y/N) in my arms. I will get her there. Stark flies in his suit in front of me

“Where are you going with her Frosty?” he asks but his tone betrays his mistrust.

“Infirmary” I growl and walk past him. 

When I get there the two doctors have already arrived and they are looking agitated. I put her gently in a bed and smooth her hair. She is so beautiful surrounded by all this white. Like an angel. No, no, she is alive, she is not an angel, not yet. She has always been my angel though. I was forced to leave her side as the doctors worked feverishly.  I have no idea what they are doing. Somehow I am completely calm. It’s like she is in my head telling me that everything will turn out fine. Is this the Winter Soldier playing tricks on me? If it is and she wont wake up I don’t think that I want to come to my right mind either.  It is taking quite long.  Stark has been asking every two minutes if he can help and if he keeps it up doctor Banner will turn green.  Romanoff is glaring daggers at me from the corner of the room.  (Y/N)’s mother is crying silently by the door. Barton is the only one missing. He went to check on the kid.  He never had any special bond with her, he just cares about Romanoff and she is the one who asked him to take care of the kid. 

Everyone around me moves fast, slow, I can’t tell. It is like I am watching everything unravel through me eyes yet I am only in some part of my body. I don’t panic. I know it is alright. I think I can almost hear her thoughts. Could it be her inside my mind?

“Bucky!” a slightly raised voice pulled me from my thoughts. Doctor Reynolds. “We are doing the best we can. She… she doesn’t seem to have anything on the first look…”

“Look again!” could they be so stupid? If she was fine she wouldn’t be on that bed, she would wake up, talk, sing, smile….

“We are doing our best… I need you to take everyone and go, please” the people around me don’t seem ready to take orders from me. Who would, really…? I walked out of that room, what else could I do?

 

Hours passed and it seemed like days. Time sure rolls slowly when you sit outside a room with four other people and nothing to do or say.  I don’t know what they had been doing over there but I sure as hell was happy when they let us come in

“She is in a coma. Her vitals are alright, were organs are working perfectly but she can’t wake up.  It is like she shut down. We have no idea when she will wake up. If she… ” the doctor said.  Her mother sobbed and sat back on her chair in despair.  Stark punched the wall next to him and I… I am empty. How can she have nothing? How can she be perfectly healthy and be in a coma. Steve escorted (Y/N)’s mother in her room and she just followed him, looking like a ghost.

“How can” Stark said while rubbing his temples “how can this be? We all remember how this happened right?”

“Barnes couldn’t protect her like he said he would” Romanoff said sternly

“Actually, he did” stark said while pacing up and down “he protected her from that man, right?” he asked turning at me. I don’t speak again. I have neither the will nor the energy to. “He stepped in front of her. And then that light came in…”

“You saw it too?” Romanoff asked

“It came from the room we were into. It came… it came from (Y/N)!” he concluded triumphantly. “You saw the light too?” he asked Romanoff and she just nodded to let him continue his ramble. “So it was seen from many places. JARVIS hasn’t recovered the security videos yet. If you could see it five floors up then maybe, maybe some external camera caught it on tape. But what was it? If I can get JARVIS completely back up and he can analyze the molecules of the light and then compare them to (Y/N)’s tests… I have to get to work, I have to save her somehow…” he said without looking at any of us. It was like he was talking to himself, trying to put his thoughts into place. 

“Did…” Romanoff hesitated; it was a rare occurrence… “Did you feel something strange when that light… when (Y/N)… when that happened anyway!”

“Memories… it was like I was reliving some things… no, not living, it was like I was watching my memories unfold in front of me…”

“Happy memories…” Romanoff added like she was lost in one of them.  I felt those too. I saw the first time that (Y/N) fell asleep on me. It was late and she had a very busy day, arranging meeting and overlooking the work of some charity programs ran by Stark industries. At days like these she had used all of her energy trying to be polite to some idiots in suits who thought that her job was to make the meeting comfortable for them and take care of the worlds problems in less than a day. Usually at days like that I would always make her some hot chocolate -the only thing I learnt how to cook because of her- and then let her relax as she saw fit.  But not that day. She had promised me that we would watch ‘The Hunger Games’ since I had just finished the books.  So, despite her exhaustion she sat with me to watch the movie. It wasn’t even halfway through the movie when I felt something on my arm. And not just my arm, the arm… (Y/N) had fallen asleep on my metal arm.  She was so relaxed and unafraid of it that made my heart clench in way I didn't know it could. She had touched me again there but it was fleeting and I didn't put much thought into it. Next thing I knew I was back my time and I was getting my orders from the army. I was so happy that I would get to play hero, get many girls after that and intimidate everyone on my path that I didn't even think of the dangers.  The next memory was fresh. It was (Y/N) over me, kissing me through endless tears; yet it was the sweetest kiss I could ever ask for.  Was the golden light really her? Did she bring me back and if so, at what cost? Would she ever be alright again?

Hours passed and the doctors didn't let us in. Natasha was eventually convinced to leave but I stayed. How could I leave her?

“Hey” a soft voice said to me, (Y/N)’s mother “would you like to have dinner with Mickey and me?”

“I don’t think that it is a good idea…” the kid doesn’t like me that much and the last thing I want now is to upset him

“I think it is.” She said in a stern motherly tone. Despite everything I found myself smiling because that motherly touch in the whole situation was nice.  As I followed her to the room I found the rest of the team there as well.   Great, I thought, the last think I need right now is the whole team looking at me. When I sat down the kid threw his fork at his plate and left to his room. 

“I’ll go talk to him” (Y/N)’s mother said

“Maybe Barnes should go…” Romanoff commented without looking up from her plate. Suddenly all eyes were on me. Exactly what I wanted to avoid but since I had no choice I followed the kid. I knocked. Twice. The kid never answered. When I was ready to return to the kitchen, Romanoff looked at me and I walked back. This time thought I didn’t bother to knock. 

“Kid? You in there?” as I opened the door all the way I got my answer. He was sitting on his bed holding a pillow tight. “Are… are you alright?”

“What happened to my mommy?” why is it that kids ask the most difficult questions right away?

“I don’t know… Stark and Banner are working to find out.”

“You made her cry” he accused me and he was right. I should have thought about her more, I should have cared, I should…

“I am sorry…”

“Are you a good or a bad guy?” I was wrong, kids keep the hard questions for the end. 

“I don’t know kid. All I know is that your mom means everything to me. I want to make her happy” he looked at me with sad, almost pleading eyes and suddenly he hugged me.  I froze. How could I not? The kid that hates me now hugs me?

“I miss her too”

 

When we got back Romanoff was missing. They told us that she went to see (Y/N) but (Y/N)’s mother didn't let us leave, she insisted that we should eat. I let Mickey there and told him that I would take him with me when I got back. If I could see (Y/N), I would, no matter what. 

 

Natasha’s POV

“Hey there kid” I said as I sat on the chair next to her “the doctors said that I could see you so, I did.”  I had no idea what to say to her. That I miss her? That I am worried? Can she even hear me? “I am not good at this. I haven’t made a new friend since I met Clint.  I know that I don’t say or show it but you mean the world to me. You are the most extraordinary normal person I have ever met; and I am proud to call you my friend. I am sorry for snapping at you. I really am.  But this is the past and it remains. You need to wake up. You really do.”  I was so tired at that moment so I rested my head on her hand that I was holding. As I closed my eyes I felt it. The feathery touch of a finger on my cheek. She was moving!

“(Y/N) MOVED!”


	23. The Awakening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!
> 
> So, we are moving towards the end and I hope you are prepared because we have guests!!!! ;) 
> 
> Thank you so much for your kudos and comments, they help me keep on writing!  
> Dont hesitate to give me your opinion and I hope you enjoy! :D

“(Y/N) MOVED! JARVIS get everyone here (Y/N) moved!” you heard Natasha's panicked voice, yet you could feel the hope gushing through her to you. She wished so hard for you to wake up that you felt like going up, magnetized by the energy in the room.  “(Y/N)! Can you hear me?” she called again and although you wanted to answer you couldn’t. You felt like your voice was stripped away from you.  You heard many voices, your mom, Bucky, Tony and Mickey.  No matter how much you wanted to go to them, no matter how clear their voices were heard, you couldn’t reach them.  It felt like you were in the sea, underwater everything was a bit blurry but not unpleasant. Apart from the distant calls of your friends and family everything was silent and unmoving. You weren’t swimming. Swimming meant that you would have to move but nothing moved there. It was like you were floating in that enormous sea.  Around you the colors that dominated the scenery were pale blue and greens. Just like those beautiful photos of exotic places.  You let the calmness of the moment flow through you and you could feel real happiness. Like every problem in the world was solved and everything was that calming blue and green.  It could be a second or a week but you didn't care. Suddenly the water turned darker and all the tranquility was lost. You jerked upside down and then you were shaking, like you were sobbing.  Mickey. You could feel his presence all around you and he was crying. Why was he crying? You were alright, everyone was alright. He needed to calm down, your sweet, lovable child needed to calm down, his mommy was there, and she would always be there. Little by little everything turned back to the initial calmness you liked.  As you took a deep breath you saw the bottom of this weird sea that you were in. the golden sand that was illuminated by the brightest star of the world had nothing on the golden shine that this bottom emitted.  What was that thing and where had you seen it before? Suddenly your mind cleared of this tranquil high that you had been and you remembered what had happened. Where were you? Could this be your subconscious? Then what you felt around you as water should be your body. And that thing on the bottom? It seemed so familiar yet so strange…

You ignored your uncertainty and fear and moved towards the bottom.  You felt like you were moving but just like before, no motion was involved.  Upon closer inspection, the bottom was like sad, made out of million of small pieces, every one with its own glow, every one looking so precious yet so different from the last.  You were looking at every little piece for what felt like hours and you had totally forgotten about the voices above you.  Everything worry seemed o far away when you were fascinated from those small wonders. It was perfect until you saw a black spot.  Despite the whole environment the sight of that spot made chills ran down your body and your heart quicken with fear.  You moved closer to see it better and you found that it wasn’t just a black spot. It was a void that emerged pure darkness.  You didn't stay long to find out what it was exactly. With your heart almost exploding from fear you ran towards the voices, towards the light with your mind thinking only one thing: if that was your subconscious, where was all this darkness coming from?

It was like waking up from a vivid dream.  You gasped and flew up from the bed, your body and mind didn't catch up to the fact that you weren’t in any danger.  You didn't get far from your bed though; something was holding you down. You looked around to find everyone there.  Nat with Clint, Steve, Doctor R., Bucky, Tony and doctor Banner and of course your mom.  You must have looked terrified because they seemed ready for action.  You looked down and saw Mickey holding tightly onto you and you relaxed. You thought that you heard everyone sigh as you ruffled your child’s hair smiling but it could just be the dissolving tension in the room.  You had no idea what had happened or how long you had been sleeping.

“Um… hi?” you asked and you felt a little offended when everyone started laughing. “Can anyone explain what happened to me?” you asked moving Mickey to sit on your lap and holding him tight. 

“You really scared the shit out of us this time pumpkin” Tony said sitting next to you on the bed and hugging you with one arm. 

“She always had a thing for pumpkins…” your mom said sitting at the foot of the bed rubbing your legs, as she always did when you got sick. 

“You should see her last Halloween” Clint joked “I still can’t understand how so much pumpkin pie can fit into one person’s stomach”

“Can we get back to the point please? I would like to know what is wrong with me!” no one answered you though. They were too busy looking at their feet or anywhere else for that matter except you. Finally Doctor R spoke up

“We don’t really know…”

“You never do, do you?” you asked fed up by all this stalling

“How much do you remember (Y/N)?” Steve asked seriously. You suddenly felt all the memories wash into you but they weren’t complete. It was only bits and pieces in your mind trying to get in the right order but failing.

“Not much” you responded “I remember watching a movie, my stepfather coming in… he was weird… he said something about doing tricks, I don’t know what he meant. There was a fight, I remember Bucky taking my to that room, you guys came in and then Bucky was hit and he…” you stopped and looked at him. He avoided your gaze and he was smiling at the ground looking young again “he was looking old, dying… how?”

“What else happened dear?” your mother asked you calmly

“Do I remember right?” you asked scared

“Most of it yes, some things are a bit confused but in whole it is correct” Natasha smiled reassuringly

“Go on…” your mom urged you on

“After that… I remember…” kissing Bucky… looking down at Mickey who had his big curious eyes trained on you, not missing a single word and seeing that everyone else was doing the same, you thought that it was better to omit that detail.  After that the only thing you remembered was the sea but that couldn’t be…

“Darling?” your mom shook you gently

“I can’t remember anything else…” you lied. Bucky’s head jerked up to meet your eyes but you looked elsewhere. You felt like you were betraying him but you had no other choice. 

“When Barnes was dying of old age, as JARVIS recorded, you emitted some kind of light that affected everyone around you.  We were all re-living our happiest memories and I have to say that it was so overwhelming that even people who weren’t in the same room with you, myself included were affected by it. I was this close to turning to the other guy…”

“I am sorry…” you mumbled knowing how sensitive that matter was to the doctor. 

“No need to apologize. What you did apparently saved Barnes’ life. After a while you fainted and the light faded as well. Barnes got up like nothing had happened and after some tests we saw that he is in a great shape. Tony fixed some wires on his arm but nothing major. We have taken some blood samples from different times and we are examining them as we speak, they will be ready in a couple of hours”

“Thank you Bruce” you said calmer.

“I think that it is better for us to leave now” Steve said holding Doctor R from the small of her back and guiding her out “(Y/N) needs rest” he said smiling at you from the door.  You nodded your thanks and everyone started getting out one by one.

“How about having me for company kiddo?” Tony asked nudging your shoulder. Before you could respond Natasha grabbed him by the sleeve, gave you a small smile and dragged him out

“Nobody wants your company Stark” you heard her say as they were exiting

“I’ll have you know that I have an amazing personality!” Tony complained

“Hey there…” you said to Bucky seeing that he was the only other person in the room.

“Hi” he replied sheepishly

“Is it normal that after all this time sleeping I am still tired?” you laughed trying to resolve some tension. Bucky only gave you a small smile in return. 

“You should sleep then” he said and walked to the door

“Wait!” you called “Do you wanna keep me some company?” you asked hesitantly

“Sure” he replied but didn't sound sure at all. He sat at the chair next to your bed, silent

“So… how long have I been off? And what did I miss?” you said trying to keep him in the room. Since Mickey left, you felt strangely empty. 

“You were sleeping for a bit more than two days. The night all this happened, we all spent some hours here, your mother cooked us late dinner to ‘regain our strength’. Then Natasha came to see you and it was almost morning when she screamed that you moved. After that we came back, the doctors ran tests and Mickey refused to leave you so they let him sleep here. He sensed that you were waking up and called everyone here.” He sounded tired and as if he didn't really want to be there. You gulped and decided that it would be better if you let him leave

“If you don’t want to stay…”

“Do you really don’t remember?” he interrupted you

“I.. I do…” you were sure that you were blushing worse than Steve that one time you made him watch the second Se and the City movie “I just didn't want to say it in front of everyone…” you said avoiding his look

“You do realise that it happened in front of everyone?!” he exclaimed and you hid your head in your hands in embarrassment

“Are you that ashamed?” Bucky shouted. You had never seen him like that before “you only did this out of fucking pity! Only because you thought I was dying! Then you should at least let me die! ” this was so socking to you. Bucky was so kind and gentle when he was in his right mind but even when he had an episode he had never shouted at you like that.

“Bucky, what are you talking about?” you managed to whisper

“I have been dying every day, I told you how I feel and all I get from you is pity…”

“Bucky I…” you tried to explain but he dismissed it

“No need for excuses” he said as he walked out

“Bucky! Wait!” you shouted and tried to get up and follow him but your feet betrayed you. As soon as you touched the ground you felt dizzy and you would have almost fallen down if two strong arms didn't wrap around you and put you back to bed. After making sure that you were securely on the bed Bucky made to leave again but you grabbed his arm and held him there

“The first time I saw you I… you weren’t ready, you weren’t prepared for something like this and the last thing I wanted was to interrupt your progress with my stupid feelings.  Then you were getting better but I thought that you would never see me like that. You could literally have any girl you wanted. Then, with everything that happened. I don’t think I can do this… I don’t think I can even trust myself. I don’t know what is wrong with me, I don’t know how I feel about the world or how I fit in like this. I have been harboring these feelings for so long and now I can’t do this… ironic isn’t it?” you rambled. Bucky was listened to you and kept on looking dumfounded without saying a word.  “What they did to me…” you continued “apart from the things in my body, really scarred me.  Steve said that I don’t trust them anymore. I don’t trust anything anymore. How can I trust someone when the person I knew all my life did all of these things to me? How can I truly open up to anyone again? How do you become normal again when you have cold-bloodedly killed a person? I am broken Bucky…” you could feel the tears roll down your cheeks but make no move to wipe them. 

“With help” was all Bucky said before he climbed on the other side of the bed and wrapped his arms around you. Your body welcomed his warmth and you surrendered yourself to his care.  His hands stroked up and down your back soothingly as he planted soft kisses on your hair. “With patience, faith and lots of help from the people around you. Don’t forget doll that you have more than enough people around you, who love you and are willing to help you overcome this. Just like you helped me, let me help you now”

“Oh, how the tables have turned” you mumbled in his shirt, smiling and snuggling as close to him as was physically possible.  His arms tightened around you and you raised your head to kiss his cheek. His stubble tickled you but you didn't mind. You hid your face in his neck and took a deep breath.

“Will you stay with me?” you asked and you felt him shudder from the touch of your lips on his neck

“As long as you’ll want me, I’ll be here”

You smiled as he moved your bodies so that he was laying on his back and you were almost on top of him. One of your hands combed into his long hair while the other was running up and down his torso, feeling the strong muscles underneath until you rested it on top of his heart, where you could feel its steady beating. Bucky’s arms were holding you as close to him as possible with one hand on the small of your back and the other on your head. 

“I think I am a bit sleepy” you mumbled and smiled

“I’ll be here when you wake up baby doll” he reassured you “Sweet dreams” he said and you were certain that they would be.

                                                            ***

“I swear to any god that you believe in Barnes!” _Tony’s voice_ , you thought “If you dare hurt my little pumpkin I will personally test how indestructible you are” why was it that every time you were sleeping with Bucky, Tony was yelling? You thought that it was better for you to pretend that you were still asleep and so you did

“Come on Stark! You are being ridiculous!” _Steve’s voice too_ “You know that Bucky wouldn’t hurt her and besides she isn’t your daughter to dictate who she can or can’t be with”

“That doesn’t mean that I don’t care about her like that!” Tony raised his voice and Bucky shushed him while rubbing circles in the back of my neck to lull me to sleep. I moaned and shuffled keeping up the act.

“You are the one who insisted on this and now look what happened to her” Tony continued

“She agreed to do it”

“Of course she did! Did you ever think that she was going to refuse?”

“Can you respect her choices and stop acting like she is twelve?”

“If you weren’t so stubborn and sure of your own opinion you would see the truth in front of you”

“Two people who love each other?”

“A girl who should have been protected from our line of work and dragged her right into it!” at that no one had anything to say so you guessed that it was your turn.  You sat on the bed and looked at everyone’s panicked faces

“How much did you hear?” Steve asked

“Enough…” you replied with a yawn. You smiled and as you weren’t feeling like torturing your poor boys that evening you motioned for Tony to come closer. He started apologizing but you hugged him and he stopped

“You really are something else Tony! You are right, I could never refuse to help you guys, you are like family to me; but Steve is right too. I made that choice on my own and no one pushed me into it. If you boys want to fight blame HYDRA or my stepfather but not each other.”

“You are really smart for your age kid” Tony commented “But remember that I am still the smartest person in the room so I am right.”

“Alright smartass in the room, why don’t you tell us why you are here, disturbing my sleep?”

“Watch your mouth; I can still fire you!”

“You wouldn’t do that I am too lovable! Besides you are the most fucking unorganized genius in the world so you need me! ” you shot back grinning

“Language!” Steve warned you and both you and Tony facepalmed

“You know, you could really be his kid…” Steve concluded and reached for some papers that were resting on the table “these are the results of your blood tests. The good news are that we didn't found anything life-threatening…”

“ _We_ …” Tony scoffed

“What do you want Stark?” Steve asked irritated

“Oh, nothing, ignore me please, I was just pointing out that _we_ had no help from the person who says _we_ ”

“Tony you aren’t making any sense. Steve why do I think that there is a ‘but’ there?”

“ _They_ ” Steve emphasized and Tony smirked satisfied “found some strange particles in your blood that couldn’t be identified.  They were taking up 75% of your blood on the sample that was extracted ten minutes after the incident and on the last sample they take up to 2%. They aren’t reacting with your blood in any way, they are just… there….”

“We have no idea…” Tony said seriously but was interrupted when the building started shaking violently. Bucky quickly took you in his arms and rolled you over so that he was shielding you with his body. For some moments you could see nothing but when the shaking stopped a loud voice filled the room

“FEAR NOT MY FRIENDS FOR WE HAVE ARRIVED TO AID YOU IN YOUR TIMES OF DISTRESS”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... Can you guess who are the guests?? tell me in the comments!!!!


	24. Visitors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!!!
> 
> I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> Kudos and Feedback are always appreciated! 
> 
> xoxo

Everyone stared at the figure that literally took most of the room and was blocking the sun from your window.

“Thor!” you said happily making a move to get closer to the giant thunderous teddy bear that the Asgardian was but he put his hand on your shoulder with a warm smile keeping you in place

“IT IS GOOD TO SEE YOU MY FRIENDS!”

“Yes, yes, you and you pathetic lot! Let me see my apprentice!” a smooth voice filled the room and behind Thor emerged Loki looking around the room until his eyes landed on you.  Before he could say another word however, Steve and Tony had taken fighting stances and were ready to attack while Bucky’s arms tightened around you.

“Thor, what is he doing here?”

“My friends, he is needed to help lady (Y/F/N) with her condition. We have made amends and I guarantee that there are no schemes this time” Thor defended his brother

“And now that this is settled” Loki said and moved closer to you, pushing his brother aside “I believe you must be lady (Y/F/N). I have to admit that your beauty surpasses the description Thor made of you” he said as he took your hand to kiss it. before his lips could make contact with your skin, Bucky’s arms pushed you back, closer to his chest and you let out an ‘oooph’ from the pressure, your hand falling down

“Oh, I see, you are betrothed then…” he said with a smirk “I assure you that I shall make no claims that would disrespect you” he said

“What a joyous situation! You did not inform me of your betrothal and Heimdall failed to report such a thing to me” Thor boomed happily. The rest of you were still pretty much frozen in shock

“I think I speak for everyone when I say” you said after you blinked a couple of times “What the fuck is going on?” Steve turned to glare at you but didn't say anything this time.

“I believe our friends are overwhelmed by our presence here” Thor said looking confused

“You would think that those mortals would be accustomed to our visits… ” Loki added shaking his head

“Ok, lets get this straight…” Tony suggested

“What the hell were you thinking Thor? Bringing him here?” Steve said threateningly

“I explained that my brother and I have made amends and he is the only one who can help lady (Y/F/N)”

“What do you mean?” you asked interested while rubbing soothing circles on Bucky’s hand that was still holding you tightly close to him

“You have interacted with an Asgardian artifact that was lost on your realm for thousands of years.  We wish to help you understand the results of that interaction.” Loki explained calmly

“By interaction you mean kidnapped and experimented on without my consent?” you asked irritated. Both Thor and Loki looked down simultaneously and you could clearly see the resemblance between the brothers.  You sighed trying to calm down and you snuggled to Bucky who kissed your hair. 

“So, how about you give me a minute to change and then we can go to the living room and discuss this whole thing properly?” you asked and everyone agreed and left the room to let you get ready

“You need any help doll?” Bucky asked as he reluctantly got up from the bed

“I’m ok Buck. I’ll be down in a minute” you said as you kissed his cheek

 

When you went down fully dressed you saw all the Avengers gathered there.

“Well, this family dinner could go down real fast…” you said as you took a seat between Tony and Nat.  She put a hand on your knee and smiled

“Glad to see you back” she said

“Glad to be back” you replied and nudged her shoulder. The tension however in the room was palpable as Clint was glaring at Loki, Steve fidgeting with his shield, ready to use it, Tony wearing his suit and doctor Banner trying to remain calm at the back of the room. 

“Friends, we have gathered here today…” Thor started

“No one’s getting married Goldilocks” Tony scoffed

“Can we please get to the point?” you pleaded, this was going worse than you had imagined, or better, you had no idea what was good or bad with these people “What is that artifact?”

“The Asgardian goblet of Life has been in your realm for thousands of years.” Loki said seriously. Thank god there was one normal person in that room, and he wasn’t who you would have thought would be “your elders call it the Holly Grail. It grants a variety of powers to anyone who interacts with it depending on the character of the person and the circumstances.  Heimdall informed Thor as soon as you had escaped and he came to me -one of the few things by brother has done right.  Your powers, my lady, are beyond your imagination if only you train to control them.  I can help you with your training and help you defeat your stepfather.”

“Yeah, let’s vote” Tony said interrupting Loki “Who is against letting this maniac alone with pumpkin to turn her into whatever crazy thing he has in mind?” he said raising his hand and immediately everyone else did as well. Everyone except you.

“I want to try” you said sternly

“Concussion!” Tony announced

“You are no doctor Stark! You can’t just stop this just because you have a beef with the guy!”

“A _‘beef’_ with the guy! The _‘guy’_ is a mass _murderer_ who tried to take over our _world_ a couple years ago, in case you forgot!”

“Yes, of course, let’s stop the only person in the universe who knows how to help me because he tried to take over _New York_ while his brother, _THOR_ , insists that has changed.”

“No one said that he is the only one! Thor, isn’t there anyone else who can do this?” Tony asked turning to Thor

“Of course there is! Our mother!”

“See?”

“Unfortunately she is dead…”  

“Seriously?” Tony sighed and slouched his shoulders.

“Seriously.” You said and put a hand on his shoulder “when do we start?” you asked Loki who was smiling impressed

“Whenever you want dear” he said and Tony stood straight again

“Oh no, don’t you dare 'dear' her! You start and your training will be under strict observation from at least two avengers” you sighed but as you were ready to accept the deal, Loki spoke up. 

“I am afraid that this cannot happen”

“Brother, I believe that Stark has seen reason so why…” Thor tried to convince him but he shook his hand dismissively

“In order to help you control these powers we need to explore every hidden aspect of your brain. Every memory, fear and hope. This is a difficult process especially since you will have to share those with me.  Sharing those with your closest friends and colleagues will be impossible.”

“What if Jar is watching us and then, if he doesn’t find anything threatening deletes the files?” you asked

“I am always watching you miss (Y/L/N)” the warm British voice sounded from the ceiling

“That didn't sound creepy at all” Clint chimed in

“If you all agree then, I would like some moments with my apprentice” the rest of the team grumbled but left “Is there anything you want o ask me darling?” he asked as he sat on one of the armchairs. You sat opposite to him and sighed

“There are so many things….” he motioned for you to go on “I don’t know what kind of powers I have… the one time that I used them I fainted. My stepfather... he has full control, why?”

“Your powers emerge from life and love. His from death and pain. The ways of evil are always easier than those of good.” He laughed a little to himself “Trust me, I know… yours are harder to tame and control but when you do you will truly see the light”

“But what is it that I do? He can kill someone with a simple touch”

“Do you wish to kill too?”

“NO!” you said without hesitation and he smiled

“The goblet chose well… even though you were being experimented on without your permission, you were hanging on to life with all your might for those you loved and needed you.  That is the reason you have your powers.  You managed to bring your lover back from the brink of death. That is no small feat.”

“He is not…” you mumbled looking down

“What?” he asked

“We are not… you know…”

“I don’t think that you could have done such a deed if you didn't love him deeply… there must be a strong connection between you.”

“I… it’s complicated.”

“Then we should try and simplify it. He holds a part of your heart and we need you to be open to all of your emotions. I sense a wall in your heart… we need to break it down for you to unleash your true potential.”

“I don’t know if I can… I feel so alone… before… the incident…I loved those people and I knew that they loved me back. I belonged. Now, I love them, I really do but I don’t truly believe that they love me.  With every argument I feel lonely and betrayed and I have hurt them because of that.” he looked at you skeptically

“It could be a side effect of your powers.  You need to feel loved constantly. When someone holds you and shows you love, do you physically feel the loss when they leave?” you remembered when Mickey visited you and left, how empty you had felt. When you told him that he stood from the armchair “I knew it! You need to constantly feed the love within you. If you manage to break that wall in your heart this will stop, I promise you that!”

“Can we start tomorrow?” you asked feeling a little tired

“We will start whenever you are ready” he said putting a reassuring hand on your shoulder. 

You were scared that you would have to open up again to a stranger and to your friends.  Talking about your feelings always ended up with you in tears after the abduction. You helped Loki to Thor’s floor and made all the arrangements for him to get comfortable.  You wanted to see that your new teacher would be comfortable in the tower, something that you were sure the others wouldn’t care to make sure. Apart from that though, you wanted to see Thor alone.

“Hey, Thor, can I ask you a favor?” you said as Loki was in his room

“What can I do for you lady (Y/F/N)?”

“You know the kid that I took in?”

“Indeed I do”

“Well, he is.. Special… he can control electricity in some way. I have no idea how or what it is that he can exactly do. He is terrified of it and I thought that maybe you could…”

“Say no more me dear friend! I shall see into your matter.”

“Thank you Thor! Thank you so much!” you said and hugged him -as much of him you could squeeze between your arms. His massive arms surrounded you and he squeezed you a little too tight for comfort

“Thor…” you mumbled against his armor

“Oh! I am sorry my friend, I forget how tiny and fragile you humans are” he said with a grin.  His words were a little demeaning but you knew that he didn't mean it in a bad way.  You patted his bicep, bid him goodbye and left.  You, now, could make your way to Mickey and tell him the good news. You were hoping that he could relate with Thor and he wouldn’t be scared of his own powers anymore. With these thoughts you walked to your room to be greeted by your mom and your son. You took him in your arms and shuffled his hair playfully

“Baby, there is someone I want you to meet.” You said as you kissed his temple

   
  
  


Finally, for the first time in a long time, you thought that everything was going to be alright…


End file.
